Music and disparity

###Portions in italics are lyrics from ‘Here without you’ by ‘Three days grace’ and usually, portions in inverted commas indicate a conversation of the character with herself.###
‘Slip knot’,
her t-shirt quotes,
sprawled on the floor,
she sighs and lets go,
staring up ahead-
‘tick-tock’ it clocks,
‘Wonder who’s on?’-
to herself she talks.
The computer,
her dearest friend of all-
let not the others
hear her thoughts.

‘Oh why? do we have to grow up
and move on?’
Some questions don’t need any answers,
she knows.

Her back to the wall,
her mp3 on,
earphones in,
let the music dissolve her world:
A thousand years have made me older,
since the last time that I saw your pretty face……
The yearning in her singing,
proves the value of her words-
‘best friends forever’
they were supposed to be called.
‘Forever seems to be over,’
like some others quote-
now she’s the only one left,
from what was ‘once upon’.
‘They hadn’t left on intention,’
she clearly knows-
yet it hurts when you’re separated,
from what you valued most.
Every mistake made,
every word she’d said wrong-
she’d repeat it over,
make it up to them all-
‘Life isn’t over,
I have to move on:

I’m here without you, baby-
but you’re still on my lonely mind
Her cry out loud,
made things no better-
the emptiness inside,
could devour her up together.
A tear close-
to the corner of her eye,
‘Rub it away
before anyone can find’
Why hide emotions?
Why keep the misery inside?
‘They were all I truly had,
the only to understand my mind’
This back and forth in her conscious,
was nothing new to see-
self-control she’s practiced,
everyday at everything.
Life was no new battle,
for this lost soul to appease.

I’ve heard this life is over-rated,
and I hope that it gets better as we go…
Oh, how she loved to sleep,
and her computer and TV,
‘objects for the empty-
to fill their vessels within’
The ephemeral joy,
yet it does make her smile
and so did he,
who left her emptier inside.

‘Why am I the only one left?
Still waiting on this land-
while everyone’s already met,
all the dreams they wanted,
all the hopes they had-
Why is it that I’m the one still trapped
with this brick cage around?
When my friends call up saying
they’ve found their perfect route-
for whom am I waiting?
Oh, just let go of it all
and let the song move me on,
let the song dissolve my world:

Everything I know and anywhere I go
It gets hard but it won't take away my love
And when the last one falls,
when it's all said and done
It gets hard but it won't take away my love

Restraint works no more,
when emotions are so true-
her tears can say no more,
than the disparity she lives through.

the song is by three doors down. How do I know that ? Because I once was in middle school. This is a highly sentimental piece that relies heavily on cliche and seems to use song lyrics as a crutch. You don't need to do that. You can write something autonomous if you want. You're asking the right questions, but you're not putting any thought or reflection into it, you're not putting enough of yourself into the poem. What you should look at are specific details, salient moments, sensory information. That's what draws a reader in. If I want something cliche I'll just watch reality shows or listen to pop music. That kind of talk is cheap. The inner-conversation thing is good. That's a good place to start. Also I want you to keep in mind that poetry is a useful tool when it comes to therapy. A poem doesn't have to be GOOD or PUBLISHABLE to be constructive and worthwhile. Sometimes we need to take these emotional journeys in order to help ourselves heal or make sense of our experiences. But if you want to be taken seriously as a poet then your writing will require discipline. You will also find it helpful to read as much poetry as you can. Even if its just a poem a day. That's perfect.

best,

This is great and good! I like your style in writing.

Don't laugh but... I'm in love with your poem!!
It's soooo perfect!
The confusion in it just makes us get close to the character, to emphatise...
I loved the lines:

Maimoona wrote:I’m here without you, baby-
but you’re still on my lonely mind
Her cry out loud,
made things no better-
the emptiness inside,
could devour her up together.
A tear close-
to the corner of her eye,
‘Rub it away
before anyone can find’
Why hide emotions?
Why keep the misery inside?

It is so "something I would do"!!
Congratulations for your work! It really impressed me!
Let us hear from you again soon!

lololol what the hell? Sounds so familiar hahahaha