Loss

3 posts
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Gender Male
Points 1771
Reviews 29
Spoiler
Just want to point out that this is NOT about global warming or any topic such as that. It's simply dealing with me moving away from the place that I grew up and spent a lot of time whilst in bad depression.


Loss


The cry of a bird in the morning's chill,
The whisper of the stream so soft,
The howl of the winter's full moon wind:
These are what are now lost.

The smell of the pine and oak,
The feel of the naked grass,
The light of the freezing moon:
Are now figments of the endless past.

The lone wanderer of autumn's void,
The mist of the twilight dawn,
The rain that covers the distant lands:
Are now forgotten, forlorn and lost.

The world that was mine has vanished into time.
And the life that I once led,
Is abandoned now for all is said.
Now that my world is lost.


Spoiler
I didn't spend much time nitpicking throught this since I normally lose the motivation to write whilst doing that with poetry. I have NO idea at all for what to do for the puncuation of each line since I normally write stories but any advice would be very, very welcome! :P
Hwær cwom mearg? Hwær cwom mago?
Hwær cwom maþþumgyfa?
Hwær cwom symbla gesetu?
Hwær sindon seledreamas?




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Gender Female
Points 7415
Reviews 117
This was really good!

Just one main thing, then there are lots of punctuation errors; I know you know that.

I want to know exactly why you feel the way you do. All I'm getting is what you miss, but I want to know more. A lot more detail in that way is needed, I think.

The cry of a bird in the morning's chill,


I think it would sound better as just "morning chill".

The howl of the winter's full moon wind:
These are what are now lost.


The light of the freezing moon:
Are now figments of the endless past.


The rain that covers the distant lands:
Are now forgotten, forlorn and lost.


In these three endings, the first line of each I think should end in either a semi colon or a comma.

And the life that I once led,
Is abandoned now for all is said.
Now that my world is lost.


Two comments here: One, I would put the comma after "led" after "now" instead. Also, I don't think you should end the sentence at "said". Make that period a comma for that ending.

Otherwise, great, and I would love to see more poetry!
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User avatar
Gender Female
Points 850
Reviews 56
This poem was good, dealing with Loss is a hard subject so a lot of thought needs to go into what you are writing about... just like you did! You should proof check you're work before you submit it, grammatical errors when seen in such a good piece of writing like yours ruins it, but only slightly! I really enjoyed it.
Love,
Evenslilyx
Write and Smile people! X



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