If Looks Could Kill

Because if looks could kill, you would survive the lively journey
Until I brought myself to look into those dangerous eyes
That deceiving smile that led to the faulty cards I had dealt.

But if thoughts could kill, you would be bordering on post mortem
Days now Weeks, a sting forms a bruise and despair hovers through the
Heavy heart; in memory you were more than a memory.

To say that trust was broken does not describe this sour case
To have trust, to have feelings that you know nothing at all of
To have an unforseen fracture of the primary organ

The obscurity of your true, deep, dark intentions unfold
A trouble that began a sight unseen develops colour
Develops dimensions of which were never thought to arise

I read it. This is a bit lofty- if not, too much altogether for a modern reader to enjoy. But I thought it was very thoughtful.

My only criticism is that the abstractions you make should be simpler, so that everyone could see eye-to-eye with this. Other than that, though, I loved it! I was nearly able to derive your meaning; Keep Writing!

Hello alliyah,

Overall, I agree with formslipper. I wouldn't say this was lofty, but perhaps a bit ambitious. You have a lot of great ideas, but that is essentially what this piece becomes: a bunch of ideas connected together. A lot of ideas and very little poetry. When writing poetry, always think about image. Always think about experience. When you have an idea - write it down, and take another step and try to think about how to express this idea through images. How can you express the experience to the readers using specific words and literary devices, such as metaphors, similes, etc.

Another thing to think about is the form of poetry itself. When compared to a novel or short story, poetry is short. It is brief. You have a very limited word choice, therefore your choice of words matter. Always keep a thesaurus handy, but remember: it is not the adjectives that make up a poem. Ultimately, the strength of your nouns and verbs are what make the piece unique and create distinct, vivid images.

That being said, there are a lot of abstractions in this. I just want you to notice:

Because if looks could kill, you would survive the lively journey
Until I brought myself to look into those dangerous eyes
That deceiving smile that led to the faulty cards I had dealt.

But if thoughts could kill, you would be bordering on post mortem
Days now Weeks, a sting forms a bruise and despair hovers through the
Heavy heart; in memory you were more than a memory.

To say that trust was broken does not describe this sour case
To have trust, to have feelings that you know nothing at all of
To have an unforseen fracture of the primary organ

The obscurity of your true, deep, dark intentions unfold
A trouble that began a sight unseen develops colour
Develops dimensions of which were never thought to arise

All the words in red are abstractions. What I mean by 'abstractions' - Things like "emotions", "hope", "freedom","memories" - physically, what are these things? They are just 'concepts'. They are not things that we can see, taste, hear, or smell. So what happens when you have too many abstractions? As a reader we cannot directly experience this poem.

All the words in blue, they are adjectives and adverbs.

Look at what's left. Your noun and verbs - these are what propel action forward. Are you using the best word choices? I see a lot of "to have" "began" "to say" - which can be easily replaced with much stronger verbs:
To have: "Obtain", "embody",
Began: "generated", "triggered"
To say: "declare", "retort"
To look: "to inspect", "to scrutinize"

All in all, you have an excellent start. Now try to see if you can focus on word choice and creating images.

- As Always, Audy

Hey Audy,
Thanks for the feedback
I tried the words you suggested and it just doesn't fit well. I'm not sure if it's a personal thing, but yeah i'm not sure. I do agree with you when you say i'm trying to put too much into one poem though. I guess at the time i was just lashing y'know ? Thank you so much for all your feedback! I really do love YWS