Twist of fate

This is just the worst way to spend all her days
Its dark on a summers Friday
She works late cause she's with a sicko making love on he's pay day.
The word rape defines what goes on every day in her life
She recalls the way her client went mad last night
Now shes looking at the mirror hoping she doesn't start to cry
So she wants to go on a trip to a quick clinic just to check up on her eye
But she's afraid that they'll ask questions like "how and why"?

She makes her mind up,
she decides to go even though she can hide it with makeup
but shes sure she makes up an excuse so she'll be allowed to get by
So with hope she wishes it's the guy
Who fixed up her ripped lips
Last year when her boss just lost it
Plus she knows the Doc wouldn't recollect her anyway
Cause the drugs she takes is making her age
But she knows she's a crackhead
For taking the pain of being a hooker and following he's ways
And playing he's game
It's a shame she sends all her income by Moneygram
Helping her mother build land
Her Mother put her daughter in her cousins hands
so she can study but for her he had other plans
Now she sees him as the reason shes in her current state
All she hopes is getting a bowl
full of revenge on her dinner plate

Back to reality and she's shaken with fear
Her thin figure makes her look like a starving dear
Shes Sitting facing a officer and hoping her boss ain't here
The cop Is trying to calm her down
Swings he's chair near her
But she says "come a step closer And I'll Shout"
He keeps saying that he won't hurt her and asks her questions on who's hurting her and who she's working for
Then she realises he's talking to her like she's more then just a Whore
But she's a pessimist so she's thinking the conversation she's having she can be killed for
But she's filled with knowledge that shes never heard before
So just before she's leave he reassures that help isn't far
And points out he's number on he's card
Asks her to use it and not play stupid so she can keep him informed so in that way he won't be useless
She going home hoping she's not being followed
but life is cold so when she reaches her door she feels a frozen knife on her throat
And then she hears a voice which says
"where you been hoe I need to know"
She opens her door and gets shoved inside
She sees something different in him and she starts to cry cause she's filled with terror
and she knows her life would be slashed away if she makes an error
He now closes the door
Throws her derelict hand bag So all her items fall on the floor
Despite all the mess there's only one thing that catches he's eyes
She now knows shes knocking on deaths door
cause shes no longer going to be Alive
She left this world in the sickest way,
and it all started when she received a fraudulent passport on her
15th birthday

I liked this I really did. The only error I saw was this

So just before she's leave he reassures that help isn't far

But otherwise it's good keep up the great work.

Very nice D It tugged on my heart strings a little, very easy to see in my mind. I liked the way it flowed, it almost sounded like lyrics to a song in my head -

Kinda? You stated to sing along with it.

Yes Mira, thanks... Anyways,it was - to me at least --

And me!

Mira! Sorry about her, crazy voice in my head... It was very poignant to me, very I'm not sure how to explain it, just felt, real like it could happen (and yes i know that it does, often). End was very, angsty and that really made me wanna cry. Over all very good, dark subject matter and all

First off, you need to work on your puncuation. The comma (') button exists for a reason! I CANNOT stress how important that is.

It wasn't very descriptive. Imagery. No images flew through my brain.

You need spaces between sentances, like so:

Roses are red,

Violets are blue.

Other than that, nice job.

-Ariel.

I loved it! It made me want to cry! But a lot of the time you seem to be using he's instead of his. It flows better. But, other than that, it was golden. Keep on writing!

Hi Abid115,

This little jet of self-pleasure went just about as far as I'd expect - that is, any form of thought was evaporated by the third line from the top. It's a sob story about a girl who runs into problems and whine about it without settling an emotional resolve within the hearts of those who go over this.

You have some good rhymes here (state, plate and hoe, know for example) but when paired with an absolutely incompetent story and meaningless word-wandering, they don't do much to save the poem. Get rid of it as soon as you can. Work on a new one.

Hope that helped,
Galerius

I really liked this poem. It was very dramatic and nice.. But I felt it was a little long. I think it should be in more of the dramatic poetry simply because of it's length. I couldn't read all of it, but it's still wonderful!
If you need anything feel free to contact me!
-Hayley

Thank you guys for the replies, all the comments have taken into much consideration and i believe i am now a better writer
So Thanks Again Guys, I Really Appreciate It