A necklace

4 posts
User avatar
Gender Female
Points 1647
Reviews 57
The chain broke.
My silver heart flew across the room,
and my red one flew into my chest.
Chink-chink, bum-bum.

And we stared at each other.
Belts undone, lips red, eyes wide.
Bum-bum, bum-bum.

Well fuck, he said.
And stood up and bent down,
scuffling on the hardwood.
Thunk-thunk.

I’m really sorry, he said.
No worries, I said, panicking.
We scuffled on the hardwood.
Thunk-thunk, thunk-thunk.

Later, I’m sorry about your heart, he says.
Me too, I think.
It was yours, I say.
Bum-bum, bum-bum.

I love you, he apologizes.
Me too, I say, accepting it.
We kiss and my red one thumps harder.
Bum-bum, bum-bum, bum-bum.

I’ll find it, he says.
I know you will, I say.
I know you will.
But will you fix it? I wonder.
Can you fix it? I doubt.
Bum-bum.

And he puts us in the car and, slam-slam, drives.
And drives and drives.
And we laugh and touch and kiss.
Bum-bum.
But my sight is wavy, watery, salty.
He click-clicks and the car hushes.
Bum-bum.


You know I love you, right?
His eyes are blue today.
Yeah, I say, I know.
Bum-bum, bum-bum.

I’ll see you soon.
I nod, muted by a rebellious throat.
I promise, he says. I promise you.
Bum-bum.

Byedrivesafecallmeloveyou.
We wave.
Honk-honk!
Wave again.
He leaves.
Bum-bum.

I crumple.
I leak salt water.
My red one cracks.
And I leak salt water.
Bum-bum.
Last edited by PenguinAttack on Wed Sep 21, 2011 3:54 am, edited 1 time in total.
Reason: Rating added.
"Why kill time when you can kill yourself?"
-Voltaire




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 1136
Reviews 18
I love this.
It's so complete and well rounded. I love that you portrayed a story as well as internal conflict. You have so few words but I can feel the relationship between the characters and I love how you did that.
My favorite part was probably the
Byedrivesafecallmeloveyou.
and I loved the way that you used onomatopoeia as rhythm and structure with the ba-bums and chink-chinks and so forth.

However, you did lose me a bit when you said
Well fuck, he said.
And stood up and bent down,
scuffling on the hardwood.
Thunk-thunk.

I’m really sorry, he said.
No worries, I said, panicking.
We scuffled on the hardwood.
Thunk-thunk, thunk-thunk.


I'm not sure I understand what they're scuffling for exactly and it makes it all a little more confusing. You also said 'scuffling on the hardwood' twice. If you're trying for repitition here, I don't think it works.

You also refer to your loving heart as 'the red one.' I don't think there's anything really wrong with that wording, but I think there's a better way to describe it.

So overall, I very much enjoyed it.

Sincerely,
xx Jade.
We revel in the unabashed glory of the mind meeting a page.




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 1208
Reviews 20
Amazing! It's almost like a story itself. You have such amazing talent. Keep up the great work!




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 1103
Reviews 48
I actually really really like this!

However you did lose me here:
Well fuck, he said. And stood up and bent down, scuffling on the hardwood.Thunk-thunk.I’m really sorry, he said. No worries, I said, panicking.We scuffled on the hardwood.Thunk-thunk, thunk-thunk


I'm confused. Were they scuffling for her silver heart?
Not to sure, but other than that I loved it. I can feel the connection in their relationship, and turmoil she feels. Great work!
"Music in the soul can be heard by the universe" -Lao-Tzu



"Who am I? I'm just a writer. I write things down. I walk through your dreams and invent the future."
— Richard Siken