The Last and The First

Turn doorknob,
Stopped.
Locked.
Swear.
Stare.
Click!
Kick!
Door open
Bones broken,
Steal guard's pass,
Now run fast,
I'm free!
Almost,
Not yet.
Fence
Electric.
Big sigh
Got to fly.
A bark
Guard dog,
Tries to claw,
A kick in the jaw,
Shuts him up,
Stupid pup
Run some more,
Remember what you're fighting for.
Overhead!
A jet.
I'll be there soon
Then, ka-bloom
It bursts like a firework
And crashes to earth.

Fire on one side,
Wire on other,
Too tired to stand.
Sit in the sand.
Tears in eyes,
Remembering the lies.
Looks to the skies.
Whispers the name,
He'd hidden so long,
"Melody."
This is it.
This is the ending.






The beginning.
Baby born,
Everyone's scorn,
Left to die,
Found to die.

Fed,
Clothed,
Finally grown.
Falls in love,
Doesn't last long.
Others' plans,
Others' goals,
The boy has to fulfill.
And not until
Then can he see the girl
Who stole his heart.

Trained.
Changed.
To what they wanted.
A boy no longer,
Now a deadly warrior,
An evil machine.
The assassin,
They wanted him to be.
But underneath,
The girl still held
His heart.

Hi tgirly! I'm really stunned by your rhyme scheme on this. It's probably the most uniquely rhyming poem I've ever read, and I think I like it. It's almost like you took such a serious topic and lightened it by wording it so -- I want to say airily because it makes sense to me, but I doubt it will make sense to anybody else. It just feels airy to me, and it's up to you to determine whether or not you wanted it to be that way.

The only real correction I could make would be to go through and see where the periods are necessary and also see where they are just impeding on the quality of the stanza or the sentence. Remember, clauses can separate clauses! I'm not going to point out a specific instance because it's poetry and I'm wary of infringing upon your poetic license.

I like how this poem is written backwards. It reminds me of Edgar Allan Poe because when he sat down to write something, he worked from the end to the beginning. Of course, his stories and poems weren't published this way, like yours was, but it still reminded me of him. With this in mind, the poem seemed very macabre to me from the start. I don't think it was intentional, but I do think it really added to the feeling of the poem. I'm not making very much sense here, am I?

The one last thing I'd like to see out of this poem is who, exactly, changed him. Who were the others? Was it simply society? His friends? His family? His teachers? It would be great if you could expand upon this, but if you want the reader to make assumptions for themselves, that's absolutely fine, too.

Keep poeming! (I like making up verbs.)

-Abigail

So, I read the first part, and didn't scroll down enough to see the last part. And I was so sad that it was done so soon! I wanted more! Then I saw there was more and now I am very happy. Anyway, this poem was awesome! The short sentences made the poem feel very hurried. When he's trying to get away in the beginning, you do such a good job of making him this evil bad guy! The way you write Bones broken and Karate chop just add to the thrill of the escape. You do such a good job of creating a killer, and then all of a sudden you show that he isn't a heartless assassin! Finally, in the very last few lines you bring the two together and make the assassin into a hero. At least in my mind. I really have no real reviewing, I just had to say something. But, I didn't see anything that I would change.

I like the story, and even how you told it: the final moments before his death, and then rewind to the beginning of his life to show how he got to that point. I love the brevity of it and the mix of thoughts and sound words and little phrases; I thought it was very hodgepodge but in a good way.
What I wasn't so sure about was your rather erratic rhyme scheme. I think you should stick to AA BB or ABAB and just do that throughout the entirety of the poem; some times there were rhyming couplets, sometimes alternating rhyme and sometimes no rhyme at all. If there was set rhyme scheme that I just didn't pick up on, my bad. But I really think you should make it uniform throughout the poem.

tgirly wrote:Guard dog,
Karate chop
Meets mark.

I honestly don't know if this is possible, but I feel like karate chopping a guard dog is kind of an absurd image. Try for a kick, maybe or even strangling the dog.

tgirly wrote:Remember what you're fighting for.

I like this line, but I think your poem should include more phrases; if you're going to stick one in the first half, stick one in the second at least.

tgirly wrote:It falls like lead.

This is kind of a tired image; also it doesn't tell me enough.
.

tgirly wrote:Already forlorn,

I don't know about this line; it feel like you stuck it in to rhyme with born. There's also words like "mourn" and "scorn" that could make up a different phrase in place of this one.
The last two stanzas were pretty wonderful.
If you just made the rhyme consistent, I think it would strengthen this piece a lot; it's still really good as is.
Keep up the good work.

This is an exciting poem. I have never read anything like this. But I don't like it that much. I suppose it was too short for me. I guess you could put in more description.

But underneath,
The girl still held
His heart.

This was an awkward ending for me. It didn't leave you hanging. It didn't end it perfectly. It just stayed there. I think you need to work on your ending.



GREAT JOB AND KEEP WRITING!!!!!


~Kat

This is not really my cup of tea, so I wasn't really into it. However, I loved the way it was phrased and it had me hooked. I couldn't stop reading it! which really suprised me. You have something here, even though it might not appeal a majority of people it will still have them hooked.

I would have liked more discription. I love detail and that's why I wasn't really thrilled with it, but the use of your words had me using my imagination and filling in the blanks. Maybe that's what you had in mind for your readers, I don't know. It was not bad.