The Miracle I'd Choose

9 posts
User avatar
creativityrules
Gender Female
Points 15440
Reviews 245
Fri Aug 26, 2011 5:12 am
creativityrules says... · Fri Aug 26, 2011 5:12 am
He trod upon the waters as if they were a grassy meadow.
He fed the multitudes with food fit barely fit for one man.
He caused the weak to stand tall and rejoice with dancing.
He gave breath to those who had ceased to partake of air.

All these miracles He did when he walked upon the earth.
Wonderful and miraculous and impossible they seem.
But, if I were given the power to perform one miracle of His,
I would choose the most marvelous miracle of them all.

I would choose the beautiful miracle of forgiveness.
“...it's better to feel the ache inside me like demons scratching at my heart than it is to feel numb the way a dead body feels when you touch it."

-Brian James
Quote




User avatar
Jasmine Hart
Gender Female
Points 15961
Reviews 661
Fri Aug 26, 2011 9:23 am
Jasmine Hart says... · Fri Aug 26, 2011 9:23 am
Hi,

Welcome to YWS! I hope you like it here.

This is lovely. The title immediately drew me in and your choice of subject matter was original. It flows well and I like how how go through the different miracles. The final isolated line is very effective.

I think "ceased to partake of air" sounds a little strange. I think maybe rhyming the final line of every stanza with the second line would work better throughout this poem.

I'd avoid twisting the syntax in the first line of stanza two. I'd try: He did all these miracles when he walked upon the earth. I'd also rewrite "Wonderful and miraculous and impossible they seem" as there's no reason for the archaic syntax, and I'd avoid "miraculous", because obviously miracles seem miraculous!

Hope this helps,

Jas
"Just like moons and like suns,
With the certainty of tides,
Just like hopes springing high,
Still I'll rise."
-Maya Angelou
Quote




User avatar
Twinkle4ever
Gender Female
Points 5063
Reviews 228
Fri Aug 26, 2011 10:09 am
Twinkle4ever says... · Fri Aug 26, 2011 10:09 am
Hello! I like the way you write. You can definitely go further into poetry. Not once were you drifted away from the title. You stuck with it. You have a good mind and can write better poems in future. I like the way you think,

creativityrules wrote:I would choose the beautiful miracle of forgiveness

This was the best line. I enjoyed it. It was short and beautiful. So keep writing and try harder everytime. :)
You can wish for death... but you can't wish it away
Quote




User avatar
Matthews
Gender Female
Points 4870
Reviews 145
Sat Aug 27, 2011 11:27 pm
Matthews says... · Sat Aug 27, 2011 11:27 pm
Wow, this was very beautiful and sweet. So cute! Not sure if that's how you wanted it to come off as, I was thinking "Aww," and it's truth too...although I think I would have preferred "salvation" to "forgiveness" at the end.
Have I not commanded thee? Be strong and of good courage; be not afraid, neither be thou dismayed, for the lord thy God is with thee whithersoever thou goest.
Quote




User avatar
ScarlettFire
Supporter
Gender Female
Points 8000
Reviews 212
Sun Aug 28, 2011 12:36 pm
ScarlettFire says... · Sun Aug 28, 2011 12:36 pm
Hey there, Creativityrules. I'm Scarlett and I'll be reviewing your poem tonight.

Wow. This was a very interesting piece. It was simple, yet somewhat sweet. And, for a poem about Jesus, I really like it. It flows really well and the imagery is brilliant. I only have one nitpick that the first 'bit' in this line "He fed the multitudes with food fit barely fit for one man." It's not needed and doesn't really make sense. Take it out and it'll flow better. Overall, there is nothing else really wrong with it. I like it just how it is. In fact, I adore it. I'm definitely clicking 'like' when I'm done reviewing. ^^

This is a brilliant and slightly hopeful poem. And I like it (I know I've said that already XD). I hope this helped, even a little. And thank you very much for the wonderful and brilliantly hopeful poetry. Keep writing, and don’t ever give up!

~Scar.
"With friends like you, who needs a medical license?"
- Paimon, Aether's Heart


“It's easier to ask forgiveness than it is to get permission.”
- Grace Hopper.
Quote




User avatar
Rydia
Supporter
Gender Female
Points 6235
Reviews 2631
Sun Aug 28, 2011 2:52 pm
Rydia says... · Sun Aug 28, 2011 2:52 pm
Hi! This is a very nice poem, lovely sentiments and a great conclusion but I think your lines could flow a little more smoothly in places. Shall we take a closer look?

He trod upon the waters as if they were a grassy meadow.
He fed the multitudes with food fit barely fit for one man. [This line was very awkward! Perhaps it's that repetiton of fit that's working against you? I'd suggest something like: He fed the multitudes with a single man's meal.]
He caused the weak to stand tall and rejoice with dancing. [Maybe add in some more description? Starting every line with He and just stating the miracles which people already know is a little dull. You'd keep more people interested if you used some good imagery or just extended each part a little.]
He gave breath to those who had ceased to partake of air.

All these miracles He did when he walked upon the earth. [Earth should have a capital I think.]
Wonderful and miraculous and impossible they seem.
But, if I were given the power to perform one miracle of His,
I would choose the most marvelous miracle of them all.

I would choose the beautiful miracle of forgiveness.

As I said before, I really like the ending. I wasn't actually expecting that, though I don't suppose which I did expect, but it was very nicely done. Thanks for the read,

Heather xxx
Writing Gooder

~Previously KittyKatSparklesExplosion15~

The light shines brightest in the darkest places.
Quote




User avatar
dolwright
Gender Female
Points 913
Reviews 53
Sun Aug 28, 2011 7:59 pm
dolwright says... · Sun Aug 28, 2011 7:59 pm
I love this, at first I thought I'll give it a pass, but on reading it, I'm glad I did. I especially love the last line:
"I would choose the beautiful miracle of forgiveness"; calling the art of forgiving a miracle really struck a message in my heart. Whatever may be wrong in the grammar or structure, the message was made very clear. Thank you for writing this and keep writing. :)
'when I'm gone, my words will remain...
your word is a weapon, either of destruction or re-construction, whatever you make of it,
It's your choice.'
Quote




User avatar
Cailey
Gender Female
Points 11009
Reviews 413
Sun Aug 28, 2011 10:42 pm
Cailey says... · Sun Aug 28, 2011 10:42 pm
He trod upon the waters as if they were a grassy meadow.
He fed the multitudes with food fit barely fit for one man.
He caused the weak to stand tall and rejoice with dancing.
He gave breath to those who had ceased to partake of air.Good, but I think you could do better. Color it up a bit. Us Christians know this all, we've heard it, so make it sound new and exciting to us. Make it detailed, emotional, personal.

All these miracles He did when he walked upon the earth.I like how you worded this.
Wonderful and miraculous and impossible they seem.Maybe say, though they seem.
But, if I were given the power to perform one miracle of His,
I would choose the most marvelous miracle of them all. Good alliteration.

I would choose the beautiful miracle of forgiveness.Good, and I love your point, your message, but could you figure out how to say this without just outright saying it? Make us guess a bit before just telling us what you would choose. Hope I was some help. :D Write forever!
A non-writing writer is a monster courting insanity. -Kafka

Look: A Link! https://caijobetweenthepages.wordpress.com/
Quote




User avatar
Galerius
Gender Female
Points 33318
Reviews 382
Mon Aug 29, 2011 5:12 pm
Galerius says... · Mon Aug 29, 2011 5:12 pm
Hi creativityrules,

Sorry to say but this has already been done before, namely by every single street-hawking boozed up two-bit Chicago penny pastor thumping from a little cardboard box with the words "HOLY BIBLE" scribbled on it.

You have two options. You can either take the theme (forgiveness reigns supreme, etc), and run with it. The reader wants to know Christ, not hear about him - see his actions and not collect rumors and whispers of healing the sick and uplifting the poor. Show the crowded pews in a dirty church, children running fingers over their rib cages and mustard teeth. I want to know why God is important.

Or you can continue wrapping yourself up in the flag of faith and mumble to yourself "Jesus loves me, this, I know, for the Bible tells me so", which seems to be the level of intellectual prowess this narrator is content with anyway.

Hope that helped,
Galerius
Quote

9 posts


Isn't it funny how day by day nothing changes but when you look back, everything's different?
— C.S. Lewis