The Last Waltz

Spoiler

One of two poems turned in for a workshop thus far; curious about opinions.

once i played piano for constellations,
spread apart like sheet music

because like they
i was at piano-forte in my life,
in transitions from a quaint Texas town
spending weekends touring Guadalajara
from night club to the embrace
in the mouth of another’s summer
enthusiasm, like improv jazz between
two passing comets

lured together by gravity, and we would melt
next to the sun, colliding and losing
ourselves in Chopin,
like plants drying in the red mesa
where they play music
to beg the gods for rain

and i played in a traveling band
in that desert, in notes drowned
by the distance from earth
to the stars.

This is great

because like they
i was at piano-forte in my life,
in transitions from a quaint Texas town
spending weekends touring Guadalajara
from night club to the embrace
in the mouth of another’s summer
enthusiasm, like improv jazz between
two passing comets

Your Great Keep writing

once i played piano for constellations,
spread apart like sheet music

there's great potential here for something great, I like the idea of a constellation or a star map to be superimposed onto a ream of staff paper or something, and where each star* falls you place a note. It reminds me of a short story by DC Berman where the narrator's brother writes a piece of music called Adirondack Sketches where he places photographs of mountain ranges onto pieces of music and places a note at each peak. All that aside, I think you could make this part stronger... i mean... it's your setup!

because like they
i was at piano-forte in my life,
in transitions from a quaint Texas town
spending weekends touring Guadalajara
from night club to the embrace
in the mouth of another’s summer
enthusiasm, like improv jazz between
two passing comets

like the comparison of piano-forte to a chapter in your life. That's excellent. Don't think you need to modify "Texas Town," with "Quaint." We know. Improv jazz between two passing comets is completely awesome and I wish I wrote it

lured together by gravity, and we would melt
next to the sun, colliding and losing
ourselves in Chopin,
like plants drying in the red mesa
where they play music
to beg the gods for rain

This is probably the strongest stanza through and through, although it is a bit 'choppy' (haha get it) that we go from this sort of cosmic place suddenly back into this music place. When they work together, its great, but here they just sort of clumsily shift. plants drying in the red mesa I like.

and i played in a traveling band
in that desert, in notes drowned
by the distance from earth
to the stars.

I'd say this is a fairly strong ending, but I don't know if this is really where you want to end it, it's up to you. You're juggling so many great things here and you do it very well, the music, the desert, and the cosmos. This ending succeeds in bringing them together, but that's all it does.

okay that above was me being a poet and editing, this is me being a reader and interpreting, sometimes I like to boil things down to their elements and see their metaphorical structure, kind of like dream analysis except less pointless.

once i played piano for constellations,
spread apart like sheet music

constellations are forms perceived by ancient (and modern) stargazers, they always have the same parallax, so constellation could almost be anything that is organized and dependable or could be something that has many members that have definite, unchanging relationships, like a family or a tight knit group of friends. Or maybe I shouldn't be scrutinizing constellation and I should be focusing in on the piano playing. Artistic expression. Combined the two are pretty potent but I think I'm going to go further to unravel any mysteries.

because like they
i was at piano-forte in my life,

they being constellations, piano forte, soft loud. Piano forte is always kind of a tricky one, isn't it? You can only describe it relative to what is behind and ahead of it, its difficult to isolate. So maybe this is an ambiguous age? One of ambivalence and change. What's especially tricky is that the stars are also at piano-forte. But this is an exquisite comparison and I'll tell you why. Stars are subtle. If you don't look up you won't see them. Sometimes you barely notice them. But they are extremely important, reminders of how unserious we are, how small and humble before the universe. That is soft loud if you ask me.

in transitions from a quaint Texas town
spending weekends touring Guadalajara
from night club to the embrace
in the mouth of another’s summer
enthusiasm, like improv jazz between
two passing comets

so yeah, a transitionary period. Living in a quaint texas town but spending weekends partying in Guadlajara. I'm not sure if this stanza specifies what we are transitioning too, but mouth seems to almost reference kissing. Improv jazz between two passing comets is so beautiful because... I don't know it makes me think about how rare it is that you meet someone that you really adore, (comets are there but they pass by earth very seldom) so the interaction between two passing comets must be so rare and precious you want to make sure you don't miss it. Improv jazz... Improv, by the seat of your pants, making it up as you go along, jazz, I don't know, romantic, rambunctious, reckless. Sounds like a summer fling that wants to be more to me. But of course I'm a hopeless romantic (maybe you didn't know that about me...)

lured together by gravity, and we would melt
next to the sun, colliding and losing
ourselves in Chopin,
like plants drying in the red mesa
where they play music
to beg the gods for rain

I think this stanza furthers my theory of a summer fling that wants to outlast its allotted time. Drying in the summer heat, but you beg the gods for rain, meaning release, some sort of change in the signs or weather or the universe that makes it possible to keep this thing alive. I'm reminded of Sonnet 18 (which is a potent emotional vehicle for me) "summers lease hath all to short a date"

and i played in a traveling band
in that desert, in notes drowned
by the distance from earth
to the stars.

Maybe this is a concession that the gods won't hear your pleas for rain, the notes can never make it to the stars. WAIT I think i get it. The constellations might be the parallax of your life, the way everything fits into place and how everything relates to everything and a path or goal you have set out on that would require massive emotional, perhaps even physical upheaval in order to change. So your gods, stars, and constellations are all the same, and you're playing the music to yourself almost to desperately plead not to give this person up, this summer person. But if you do you will knock everything out of parallax and everything will fall into disarray. Beautiful. Of course, if it were me, I'd say do it.

/wordvomit

Hello there, MMMBop!

once i played piano for constellations,
spread apart like sheet music

This is an absolutely lovely beginning, caught my interest right away.

because like they
i was at piano-forte in my life,
in transitions from a quaint Texas town
spending weekends touring Guadalajara
from night club to the embrace
in the mouth of another’s summer
enthusiasm, like improv jazz between
two passing comets

I am loving the music metaphors, and especially "improv jazz between two passing comets". Also that you used the word "quaint" -- it's currently my new favourite word

and i played in a traveling band
in that desert, in notes drowned
by the distance from earth
to the stars.

A minor note (haha, like A-minor! And it's note! ha...): I actually think the ending could be a teensy bit stronger. Throughout the poems you've used beautiful musical imagery, but in the ending there are only some "safe" ones of the kind, when I feel like you could've done a lot more (and you proved it earlier, didn't you!). For the same reason, the earth and stars seem slightly disappointing as an ending to something like this. They're pretty dull things anyway, when you think about it -- at least in poems.

Overall though, I think you did a great job and I thoroughly enjoyed reading this.


Demeter
x

Hi!

I really liked this I liked the fact, the i is not capitalised, and no capital letters, it reminds me of poets who like this, decided the asthetic form was not important

I like the comparison between the music and space;

improv jazz between
two passing comets

This was my favourite It is a nice piece of imagery.

If there is something i think the poem needs I think it needs some more emotion in it as it felt flat. I didn't feel any emotion at all towards anything (Was this the intention?) Even if it was just a little bit I think it would bring the poem to life a lot more.

Other than that though, i thought the poem was really well written and the last stanza is perfect, thought i'd mention that.

Well done!

~ReDro

I look forward to your poems.

From start to finish, you grasp this extended metaphor and use it to create a sense of sadness or excitement, or really anything at all and I respect that so much about your work. You are so original in the way you take your wording and you make it something gorgeous that is completely and utterly you. You might be my favorite poet on this site simply for that clause.

lured together by gravity, and we would melt
next to the sun, colliding and losing
ourselves in Chopin,
like plants drying in the red mesa
where they play music
to beg the gods for rain

This is by far my favorite stanza, almost to a point where I feel as if the one above is almost pales in comparison. You're so raw with your work that this stanza actually surprised me immensely seeing as it is raw and deep but it also connects in a more flowing manner then what I'm used to coming from you. Its almost a little more on the traditional side as opposed to your passionate contemporary. I suppose, when it comes down to it, I'm a bit of a traditionalist fan so this one definitely won my attention.

Of course, that does mean that the consistency of the poem is a little at edge. You jump from this raw, interesting outlook to this deep, passionate strength that it was quite a bit of a jump. Maybe try and fix the consistency up just a little bit by either toning down the aforementioned stanza or making the other stanza's flow a little more like it.

Either way, I think you are brilliant. Above and beyond it, even.
~Walker