Fetch Away

Mind splits the surface of lake –
it's calm, the bow is looming.
Waves and ripples swim away
and the mind is followed by a wake.
Wind is gone and rocks are hiding
somewhere a mere owl is crying
The shore is far,
but no harm done –
it's only a fetch away.

But no matter where one tries to go
the shoreline creeps closer,
closer and closer
and the sandcastle made yesterday
can almost be seen –
no use in turning around
for one can't escape the land ahoy.
In here, can't you become
dependent on the boundless,
flee from the scent of the reed
too damp? Why must it be?

Ah, now I can finally see it:
the little channel, the fairway to sea.
One must avoid the buoys
but when you look back,
the life cries of elation
– though it may daunt inside.
Sandy levees
are licking the edges
but the way is forward
for else you can't arrive.
For the core craves for open sea
away from the port, away from the bay
But there are storms in the sea
and surprise banks that no one remembers
even if they had been there.

The boat squeezes through the mouth –
thankfully it's still intact.
Well, there it is now:
the thing I hoped for, the thing I was for –
sure, it's beautiful, but it's so vast
and I'd actually rather be
watching it on a hot coast
than a rickety jollyboat...
And already the first wave
tries to roll me upside down
Alga clings to my arm
though it can be detached,
and no one can tell from my face
how eerie the sea is
so maybe I'll just move on
though I barely know how to row...

By a bight one may rest.
Behind are the grey foamheads,
dreadful and dire –
but they have honed
the rocks round
and pellucid sand covers toes.
Gone are the nightly terrors
and remaining the knowledge
that they exist –
you must not forget but
no need to remember
because it's only a fetch away.

To start - this was very pretty and obviously well-done. I'll quote a few things, but just to warn you, the majority of them will be complimentary.

One must avoid the buoys
but when you look back,

Here, I noticed you say "one" and "you" at the same time. I'm not sure if that is to serve a specific purpose or not, but generally it's best to stick with one or the other. I saw many more "you"s throughout the remainder of the piece, so I'd pick that if I were you. :]

Well, there it is now:
the thing I hoped for, the thing I was for –
sure, it's beautiful, but it's so vast
and I'd actually rather be
watching it on a hot coast
than a rickety jollyboat...

I love here how it seems like you're making a huge transition from wanting to get as far away as possible from the shore, but now use contrasting descriptions like "hot coast", (which sounds pretty nice, I won't deny it) and "rickety jollyboat", (which...doesn't). "Sure, it's beautiful," is the very first hint, and it's perfectly subtle. Like, "Yeah...it's great and all...but kinda big...don'tcha think?"

And already the first wave
tries to roll me upside down
Alga clings to my arm

I think you may have wanted "Algae" here. :] Sorry.

though it can be detached,
and no one can tell from my face
how eerie the sea is
so maybe I'll just move on
though I barely know how to row...

This is just getting better and better. I'm really curious as to whether or not the "sea" and the "shore" are symbolic for other things. At any rate, it's amazing that you're able to utilize contrasting ideas so well, it now seems like the open sea is the last place you want to be.

and pellucid sand covers toes.

you must not forget but
no need to remember

Astounding vocabulary ("pellucid sand"), great parallelism "must not forget...no need to remember"

Overall, it's tough to offer any constructive criticism beyond what I've already pointed out (and even those things were mostly praise). I enjoyed reading every bit of it, and especially liked how you used "fetch away" both in the beginning and end. I'm a sucker for those types of things. :]
I hope you keep writing things like this, I'd love to read more. =)

Demsy --

Interesting piece! I quite liked it! I thought that your concept was nice and you had a couple of lines that I really enjoyed. Good work.

However, while your concept is good, I think that you took too long to express it. This poem is like a piece of good taffy, except that you've stretched it out between your fingers and it hangs there, sagging. If you could cut back on a few stanzas, remove some unnecessary narration, I think this poem could be a real beauty. I just feel that there's not enough...remarkable about this piece. I think you have too much down time, too many boring words interlaced with the exciting lines like, "Behind are the grey foamheads" or "no use in turning around/ for one can't escape the land ahoy." For your benefit, I'll point out a couple lines that I thought were boring or saggy:

But no matter where one tries to go
the shoreline creeps closer,
closer and closer
and the sandcastle made yesterday
can almost be seen –

"Creep" is a boring word, as is sandcastle. Also, I think this:

closer and closer

should read without the "and" in the middle...It preserves the rhythm of this stanza.

but the way is forward
for else you can't arrive.
...
away from the port, away from the bay
But there are storms in the sea
and surprise banks that no one remembers
even if they had been there.

This is just...boring? I mean, none of these words excite me in the least. Words like "jollyboat" and "pellucid" excite me. I think this poem needs more of that, and less of this. You know what I'm saying?

are licking the edges

Licks. You want your edges licked?

Anyway, good piece. I look forward to more/an edited version...

-Kylan

Dear Demeter
I read your poem Fetch Away this afternoon and I like it.
Unfortunately i can't think of anything addition to say,
that the previous two replies failed to mention.
However I can say from the evidence above, that your a
talent poet who both commands her own ideas and works
well in your own form.

(I am new to her and wrote a little poem myself if you could
review it, I would appreciate it)

Yes, everything that need to be said was written in previous replies but I would like to tell you that I thought it was very good, if a little too long. It started off strongly, got a bit dodgy in the middle but finished well. I like the idea of it and it's sort of simple yet complicated at the same time.

But no matter where one tries to go
the shoreline creeps closer,
closer and closer
and the sandcastle made yesterday
can almost be seen –

I agree with Kylan, "closer and closer" should be "closer, closer" (so without the and in the middle) and there was a typing error somewhere in there too. Other than that, I really enjoyed it and someone complained that you used "boring" words but I thought they were easy to understand words that fitted in with the style of the poem.

Well done

Demi. Tosh. Girl.

Review time:

Mind splits the surface of lake

I just think it's really odd how you have an article ahead of "surface" and not "lake". I think these should be other the way around; I'm sure you intended it this way, but I don't know. On the other hand, I love this line. =)

The entire first stanza is, indeed, very pretty and the imagery is fantastic ("waves and ripples swim away" certainly stood out for me) but on the whole, it's too generic. Like Kylan said, it doesn't go anywhere for a while and so currently there's just imagery and not a lot of meaning/reason/anything else. If you get what I mean.

In here, can't you become
dependent on the boundless,
flee from the scent of the reed
too damp? Why must it be?

This borders on boobolove. I say "borders", because this is a little complex for my tastes; the "boundless, flee" perplexed me at first; I thought that "flee" should be an adjective because there was no noun in the first part, and then I realised it was a two-part question and so by the end of this, I'm lost in confuzzlement and the effect of the question is gone. Although I still love it. Just, you know, fix the grammar.

Throughout the rest of the poem, the images keep coming and they don't disappoint. But in a poem, I like to be able to reread it again and again until I come across a noteworthy meaning, and there is a lot of room here for that - I feel as if there's a deeper part to this poem but it's so winding that I can't quite get to it. What I think is missing is a shock, or something resembling a climax, something to attack the reader because during that middle part I just couldn't really relate to the ideas. I think I'm rambling again.

In all, great poem! I love your poetic style. I just do. It always creates such an eerie effect. Sorry for the random tangents and probably unhelpfulness, but there we go. xD Post moar.

-Blinkseywinksey

Wow, this was amazing. You have so much talent! You had amazing imagery and details. Every line was good, each phrase painted pictures in my mind that were beautiful, and yet eerie and strange. I noticed some typos and mistake in the third stanza, so you should reread that once or twice, just to make sure you get it all fixed. I felt like this poem had a deeper meaning, and I wish I had the time to read it over and over. However, since I don't, I really have nothing much to say. Besides, you already got a few reviews, and I'm sure they've pointed out any mistakes. So, basically, I just had to tell you how much I love this! Keep writing!!!