The boy you have to watch

Spoiler

I Know this is raw.

The boy you have to watch
Who never shows his heart,
Listens to the beats,
While slicing down his arms

Never enough to bleed to much,
Never enough to die
Slice. Slice. Slice.
Never enough to satisfy

On and on
Slide the knife against his flesh,
On and on
Let the blood flow down his legs

You think you’d understand
With all these cutter’s poems
All clique and bland,
but they aren't all same

Nope, not all little wimps,
Just to afraid to die,
Tonight he’ll that blade to his throat
you thought this was another poem a cutter wrote?

Alright, this has potential but I do believe it needs to be fixed.
"The boy you have to watch
Who never shows his heart,
Listens to beets, -- try ; but listens to it's beats
While slicing down his arms" -- as he slices down his arms.

"Never enough to bleed, to much, -- Never enough to bleed too much,
Never enough to die.
Just Slice. Slice. Slice. -- take away the 'Just'
Never enough to satisfy"

"On and on -- I'd use the original repetition and go with 'Slice. Slice. Slice.
Slide the knife against his flesh, -- He slides the knife
On and on -- Slice. Slice. Slice.
Let the blood flow down his legs" -- (Why is he cutting his legs? Maybe try something like -- Red against white or something like that?

"you think you’d understand
With all these cutter’s poems
All clique and bland,
but they aren't all same" -- I would change this entire stanza.. I doesn't sound well, and neither does the last one.



Alright, those are just suggestions - I was just giving off my thoughts so don't take anything I said too harshly, but that's what I saw. The poem is good overall - just needs to be changed and tweaked a little bit before it's perfection .

Write on,

~Writteninstone [Wisp]

Alright, this has potential but I do believe it needs to be fixed.
"The boy you have to watch
Who never shows his heart,
Listens to beets, -- try ; but listens to it's beats
While slicing down his arms" -- as he slices down his arms.

"Never enough to bleed, to much, -- Never enough to bleed too much,
Never enough to die.
Just Slice. Slice. Slice. -- take away the 'Just'
Never enough to satisfy"

"On and on -- I'd use the original repetition and go with 'Slice. Slice. Slice.
Slide the knife against his flesh, -- He slides the knife
On and on -- Slice. Slice. Slice.
Let the blood flow down his legs" -- (Why is he cutting his legs? Maybe try something like -- Red against white or something like that?

"you think you’d understand
With all these cutter’s poems
All clique and bland,
but they aren't all same" -- I would change this entire stanza.. I doesn't sound well, and neither does the last one.



Alright, those are just suggestions - I was just giving off my thoughts so don't take anything I said too harshly, but that's what I saw. The poem is good overall - just needs to be changed and tweaked a little bit before it's perfection .

Write on,

~Writteninstone [Wisp]

Well, this was definitely dark, and overall I liked it. Your descriptions and repetitions were well done, and the poem generally gives off a powerfully depressive feel. All of the mistakes have really been pointed out already, so I haven't much to say. Though, I would suggest not speaking to the audience. I mean, as said before, your last two stanzas are awkward and don't work very well; I think it would work better if you chose not to talk to the readers, thus not saying "you." Of course, if you can make it work, go for it, but in current state, I'd just... not.

Overall, this was well done and a generally good read. Correct a few things here and there, and you're good to go!

Hey there, Boolovesyou. I'm Scalrett and I'll be reviewing your poem tonight. ^^

First off. Wow. I don't really like 'cutter' poems, as you put it, but this one. Wow, you somehow turned it from emo-little-person into omg-deep-and-meaningful. And I like how you've done it. This is about someone else, not the person who wrote it and I like that, because, frankly, I was getting a bit sick of clicking on a poem and seeing a thirteen-year-old girl/boy complain about life and talking about cutting to deal with it. Anyway, back to your poem. I could really relate to the one watching the boy. It felt sad. Really sad. And it's a relief to see it. I must say, for what it is, I really like it.

Secondly, nitpicks. I think there needs to be a full stop here; "While slicing down his arms", here; "Never enough to die", and here; "Never enough to satisfy". In fact, very little of your lines have the proper punctuation. By that, I mean commas, full stops and the like. Also, I think you could add 'take' to this line; "Tonight he’ll that blade to his throat." Other than that, it's just fine how it is and I like it this way, after you add the punctuation, of course. XD

Overall. This is a brilliant and slightly disturbing poem. And I adore it. *clicks like* I hope this helped, even a little. And thank you very much for the wonderful and slightly morbid poetry. Keep writing, and don’t ever give up!

~Scar.

Hi!

The first thing I'd suggest is the title. I think I'd change it to something Like a one word; cutter, maybe?

I like the sardonic tone of the final stanza it makes the poem more real(is it really?). And much more a poem.

Could you make this more poignant by adding a lot more description and bulk the poem out but makin it more graphic and at the same time makes it more real? Just a though.

My main issue is it feels short, I think you need to lengthen it for such a serious issue personally but it may just be me

Overall I liked it a lot and I think you did well tocapture the theme

Pm me for anything

~ReDro

Hello Boolovesyou

You're poem was quite interesting at first but came down to confusion.
I don't know if it really matches to the title but I think it didn't plus I never understood the meaning of the poem.
A little statement corrections.

#1:

The boy you have to watch
Who never shows his heart,
Listens to the beats,
While slicing down his arms-Slicing down his arms? Doesn't match with the other line, love.

#2:

Never enough to bleed to too much,
Never enough to die
Slice. Slice. Slice.-Repetition is used so much. Especially the word "slice".
Never enough to satisfy- ??? What does this mean???

#3:

On and on
Slide the knife against his flesh,
On and on
Let the blood flow down his legs

No mistakes > ;DDD

#4:

You think you’d understand
With all these cutter’s poems- Suddenly poems come in? You were talking about death, and then it turns out to be poems. What's the relation?
All clique and bland,
but they aren't all same

It's like you just started a new poem. >.<

#5:

Nope No, not all little wimps,
Just Are to afraid to die,
Tonight he’ll that blade blade that to his throat
you thought this was another poem a cutter wrote?

You mixed death and poem to this stanza.
It doesn't mix well. Sorry :S

Anyway, it was confusing (I mean so confusing!)
Like it.

Would give this a 7/10.

Cheers and Love,
Cookie or LM