Seeking

Spoiler

The following is a collaborative poem of impromptu spontaneity and joy!
Written by Flemzo, Idraax, TheGatherer, and Persy.
All members contributed equally to the completion of the poem.

Bright lights spread across the sky --
like crayon drawings cutting through a paper --
towards cities like they were seeking a home;
cars shine their way through night and wander,
churn engines, breathe with lungs of gasoline,
fishtail in the rain on nicotine streets tattooed
across the back of the continent, like a haywire
mishmash of lost maps and lost words,
hitchhikers wondering how the hell they
ended up in a place like this;
they fall into prayers of the road,
jumping from city to city,
following the music in their minds,
trying to find the names of the notes.

A melodic hum-- almost a pulse. A staccato beat resonating
in their bones, the near-forgotten voice of the land beneath their feet.
It's an ocean they've fallen into;
cliff side for a car, a new place to start,
and they swim through a sea of strangers,
coarse hands on steering wheels,
truckers and a backpack on their shoulders,
like a cross to bear.

What sins do these people carry?
What stories can they tell
that make your blood burn cold?
What do they whisper as they drift to sleep,
broken backed and shivering:
what excuses do they make for themselves
to the somber stars?

Condemned to wander,
always moving, shifting as the moon,
nomadic as our ancestors,
they search for the next source of sustenance,
the next stanza in their forgotten songs.

The gathering light at the edge of the horizon,
begins to grow and the fallen hitchhikers retreat
and release their crosses to the waiting ground,
so close to comfort, so far from freedom.

This poem had amazingly strong imagery, and your diction was beautiful. The only thing i think is a mistake is

churn engines, breathe with lungs of gasoline,

I think you are trying to say "...breath with lungs of gasoline."
And if not, maybe think about switching it. It flows a little nicer.
Besides that, wonderful poem, i had to read it multiple times to soak in the whole picture, well done writers!

Hi there, Idraax, Flem, Gatherer, and Daughter!

Wow, first off, let me say that I've never read a collaboration between more than two people! I was thinking to myself that this might be not much short of a chaos, but I was positively surprised at how consistent the whole picture seemed to be, even with so many cooks in the kitchen.

Of course, now that I knew it was a collab, my eyes automatically started to search for style switches between you authors. I'm glad to say they weren't as noticeable as they sometimes can be, but I'm still somewhat sure I can tell which parts weren't written by the same person, if you know what I mean? Then again, it adds an interesting touch to all this -- quite refreshing, actually!

The first stanza is packed with beauty. However, with all the other stanzas considerably shorter, I can't help but wonder whether all of it is actually significant to the whole poem itself. It seems a bit like you've wanted to use all these great images in your head without stopping to think whether they matter or not. I can't be in your head, but this is what it seemed a bit like to me. Granted, I'm not saying it doesn't sound good, because it does.

"Melodic hum" is lovely, for some reason. It's nearly a whole image by itself. And "nomadic" is a fantastic word. It should be used more.

Thanks for the reading experience! You've shown that multi-people collaborations aren't impossible at all and can lead to great results!


Demeter
x

Hi there!

Wow. That's really all I need to say, wow. This is great! I loved it so much I read through it about three or four times! It's written very, very well and I could not find one grammer or spelling mistake. The flow is really good as well and there's no place I found that it faltered from the flow. The rythm of this piece is rather fast, keeping it moving. Your imagery and emotion is great. I'm impressed!

I like the randomness and the, how'd you say it again, impromptu spontaneity and joy of this poem. I like the way that it rambles on from one thing to another. Usually that would be a negative point, but you made it work well in this piece.

Here's my favorite part:

Bright lights spread across the sky --
like crayon drawings cutting through a paper --
towards cities like they were seeking a home;

I like the use of a similie here. It really starts the poem off well.

Again, great job. Keep writing!