Phobia

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OK, so I've been having difficulty polishing up this poem. It's rough around the edges, especially the two last stanzas. Any suggestions are highly welcome. THIS WILL BE A SPOKEN WORD POEM.


It’s a sizzling, desolate war-zone, the deadliest of trenches,
It’s the land without the white walls to womb your fears,
the shields to shade your tears,
or the fences to guard your senses.
You crouch beneath the dirt, doomed and defenseless,
You hear the crisp crackle of gunfire, ruthless and endless.

Your friends, in the grime, are pregnant with death,
You’re the only one who refused to end his breath,
though your lungs are drenched with the stench
and poison of treason,
treason against your sense, essence and reason.
Your forehead sprays sweat like it's monsoon season.

Your limbs shake and shatter like a threatened rattle-snake,
While your teeth split and splatter your tongue,
A pain that crumbles your spine
Like a Richter nine quake.
Your heart is a motor overheating in its whirl,
Your stomach is a rollercoaster on a thousand twirls.

Pupils stretch as wide as the hurricane’s eye,
your veins pump the blood of Anarchy’s smile,
and you grin back like a lunatic freak,
only your grin is a twisted twitch in your cheeks.
Your freckles dislocate from your skin in a waterfall frenzy,
Your bladder is a crevasse, crushed, cramped and empty.

You stretch out your head like a lonesome giraffe
to catch a glance of this apocalyptical aftermath,
you freeze in horror,
your brain leaks and pours out your skull's splintered crust,
The tanks shriek death with canons like tusks,
and you cower back down, with your prayer as a crutch.

That's when your breakfast porridge slithers back up your throat,
it’s a backward river of milk and oats,
that rushes into your mouth in a thick yellow gush,
and you cockle, rumple, clinch, crumple and cough.

You screech against rock with your stalactite nails like a caged wolf
As your head floods with blood
and your iris erupts
into a nebula of bloodstained hail.
You're a shivering puddle of courage turned stale,
Death may have missed you, but Phobia prevails.
Last edited by danipower0204 on Sun Aug 28, 2011 11:20 am, edited 2 times in total.
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Great detail and lit elements.
[b]I'm a Loser, I'm a Winner. I'm a Saint and I'm a Sinner![/b]




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Wow. That's pretty much all I really have to say. It was amazing and I love, just LOVE the details. It kept me reading and I really anjoyed it. A lot of times I'll see a poem with the title Phobia and think that it's a poem filled with what this person is truly afraid of. Not this one. This one was something new, it was different and different is very good.

~Faith(:
I Know I Can Wish Upon A Star But My Past Is My Past, And That Includes Last Night And Yesterday.




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Thanks guys!
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I read this out loud, since you mentioned it was spoken word. It adds a whole layer of imagery to the piece, which I definitely love, especially the "crisp crackle of gunfire" line in the first stanza.

I didn't notice anything with punctuation or grammar in reading it, so good job on that.

My only comment would be on the last two lines. They seem out of place, and add a sort of "moral" to the poem that isn't needed. The last line of the penultimate stanza is powerful enough as it is. I think you can just get rid of the last two lines altogether.

Really powerful stuff. Seriously, I loved this so much. If you do anything else like this, link me to it immediately.

KF




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Geeeh Dani! Once again you've struck me with your amazing skills of poetry!

* This has got flow
* There's structure, good, very good structure!
* You use punctuation which makes me adore you
* No grammatic errors
* The rhyming was... amazing, no forcing at all!

- So nothing wrong with that. As for the content, this piece was really powerful! So much detail, amazing imagery and just... gaah I'm speachless yet I can't stop mumbling!

I'm trying to find something helpful to say, I usually can, but I CAN'T! This is just sooooo good! Touching, heartwrenching yet hopeful and beautiful and... WOW!

7/5 icky sticky spiders for this! Like, I realyl loved it!

Good Luck & Keep Writing

// Demoness
"Some say the world will end in fire;
Some say in ice.
From what I've tasted of desire
I hold with those who favor fire.
But if it had to perish twice,
I think I know enough of hate
To say that for destruction ice
Is also great
And would suffice." - Robert Frost



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— Nelson Mandela