Screwed Me Over from the Start

You were amazing,
And I fell for you.
You became my best friend,
But I didn't see what you could do.
I wanted to let you in,
And for me to come into your heart.
I masked myself from what you are,
You screwed me over from the start.
Than you came back,
And said you were wrong.
I gave you a chance,
But you haven't changed after so long.
You say you want to rebuild,
For your sake and mine.
You say you're grateful,
For me never leaving your side.
But before you leave me,
And shatter my heart again.
I'm going to leave you,
Forget me as your friend!

Dear dragonlover92,

I love this poem!!
I love how it turned the tables at the end.
There is no things that i can see that need to be improved.
Perfect as is.

You were amazing,
And I fell for you.
You became my best friend,
But I didn't see what you could do.
I wanted to let you in,
And for me to come into your heart.
I masked myself from what you are,
You screwed me over from the start.
Than you came back,
And said you were wrong.
I gave you a chance,
But you haven't changed after so long.
You say you want to rebuild,
For your sake and mine.
But before you leave me,
And shatter my heart again.
I'm going to leave you,
Forget me as your friend!

Bolded are my favorite parts!!
Sorry I couldn't help more!!



-AnAmericanTeenager

thanx a ton for the review!

Hey, Dragonlover

So I read your poem, and it seems to be pretty simple in itself. I think you were definitely struggling a little bit when it came to the rhyming though. I caught multiple lines that seemed to clash with each other all for the sake of the rhyme it seemed, and that's never a good thing. D:

The thing with poetry is, you don't want to put too much stress on it, because then it begins to stray away from the delicate portrayal we all come to expect from a poetic style. You want words to flow, you want thoughts to seem clever and deep and emotional. If a rhyme scheme is what you're basing your poetry around, it's probably best to leave it. Poetry doesn't always have to rhyme, and though it tends to sound a lot catchier when it does rhyme, you don't want to leave the poem lacking because of it.

There's definitely an idea behind this poem, and I think that you did a pretty okay job of expressing it. When I read of common issues involving love such as this, I like to be able to see some kind of spark within the words. I like to see things not as obvious, but as a little more involved. Like the writer isn't simply putting their immediate thoughts out there just so everything is clear and so to the point. I think what I would have liked to have seen with this is a little less abrupt explanation and a little more involved emotion. Some more injection of feeling. Though it seemed to be somewhat there, there wasn't much of it. At least, not enough to come at me like a pistol. xP

Anyway though, sorry if I sounded a little too blunt or harsh. I really think that this poem can be further elaborated off of until it's something truly beautiful and worth the wow. As a writer challenge yourself a little. Try to reach new heights with what you can do.

-Smylin'

Hey Cutie,

But I think is you get rid of the 'but' it would flow more. Less conjunctions the better. Don't just do it cause I said it. Read it over, see how it sounds to you. before you leave me,
And shatter my heart again.
I'm going to leave you, You have to make this a period or a semicolon. Here you have two sentences shoved together and a comma doesn't help that, even in all its glory!
Forget me as your friend!

So! You know I have already read this! ^_^! You know I like it. I was just re-reading it, and saw a little mistake! You are awesome. Heh.

Hey also you got called pretty, when I posted those pics of you on here!

PM me or post on my wall if you have any questions!

-Boo

Thanks guys! I really enjoyed reading these, and thank you for really reviewing and not just sugar coating it.

So I guess this poem is pretty cliché and there wasn't much originality in it... but I still loved it. It was heartful and you've managed to capture so much emotion in it so I just can't complain - yet it would've been even more interesting to read if you, as Metthew said, expanded your vocuabalary. This could be good not only to make your poem more enthralling but the less cliché words and expressions you use, the more original the poem gets!

So, Matthew pointed out the one grammatic error and Boolovesyou mentioned that the poem would be better off without the "but" which I agree on!

Finally, here's your grade; 4½/5 icky, sticky spiders - Cause honestly, this was pretty awesome and you're an amazing writer!

Good Luck & Keep Writing

// Demoness