Here We Go *Edited*

Well. New poem. You may have seen it in my NaPo thread, but anyways. Feel free to rip it to shreds. *throws to sharks and ducks*

Edit: So, I did some major editing, with the help of Mushroom (Whoever that was). Feel free to compare them and tell me which you think is better. Etc, etc. *hides*

Here We Go

Here we go again.
With the yelling and the screaming.
We both know we don't want to do this.
That this isn't how it should end.
Not with me on the floor
and---wait. That's too far.
I should probably rewind,
show you how it went down;
You wanted me to do
everything for you,
and wanted my heart
on a silver platter, still beating.

You know what it is you want:
My pride, my life.
Everything that I am.
And you know that it's what I won't give up.
That's right. You know how this ends
--with me, on the floor.
And you love the way it makes me feel,
the way it makes me look,
battered and broken like that old toy you used to love,
with the chipped paint and shattered arms.

And guess what? You were right.
I was stupid enough to trust you,
to listen to your lies.
And yes, you know how to break me;
again and again, it never ends.
Do you have what you wanted
and all that you have longed for?

But it doesn't seem to be enough.
Why? Aren't you done with me?
Done with all the things that could have been?
I don't see why you should be ashamed of it.
After all, wasn't it all my fault?
Didn't you say that as you pushed me down,
and smashed me into peices? Again and again,
like the mirror you shattered back in seventh grade?
Yeah, the one you cut your hand on,
with the blood coating your skin
and the dangerous scowl you gave me.

Now do you see what you've done to me?


Old Version:

Spoiler

Here we go

Here we go
again.
You know that
we don't want to do this.
You know that
this isn't how it should end.

So, here we go
again.
You want this
and you want that.
You want my heart
on a silver platter, and
still beating.

Yes, here we go
again.
You know what
it is you want.
And you know that
it's the one thing
I won't give up.

That's right. Here we go
again.
You know how
this ends--with me,
on the floor.
And you love the
way it makes me feel,
the way it makes me look.
And guess what?
You were right.

And yes, here we
go again.
And again, 'til
it never ends.
You have what
you want.
You have all
that you longed for.

But it doesn't seem to be
enough. Why?
Are you done
with me?
Done with all the
things that could have been?
I don't see why
you should be ashamed of it.

I think this is really nice. I also loved how you structure your poem. This gives a whole lot of meaning into your words. I especially love the language. It is so dreamy and so spacious it almost sends the reader into an angelic trance, almost to the beat of Heaven's drums. It was really lovely to read. Perhaps one of the best poems I have ever read.

Mornin’, Scarling.

I like being honest in my reviews, especially with friends as opposed to strangers, so I hope you won’t mind if I chew on a few loose ends here.

First off, let’s address the elephant in the room that is the frequency and unexpectedness of your line breaks. Now, while I’m a believer that not every line break warrants a pause in the reader’s mind, it’s typically what’s going to happen with your mass audience—that said, it’s good to understand the power of line breaks and how it affects our flow, poetically. I believe that flow is essential to the accessibility of poetry, and if we don’t have good—or great—flow, then we essentially have nothing but chunky words. Now, this is remedied somewhat by the repetition you have going for you, but that’s another matter entirely. So, my first challenge for you with this piece is to assess where you want your breaks and pauses—be intentional with how you format. That’s the best advice I can give anyone on punctuation, capitalization, or line breaks. Intentions.

Secondly, I’m a bit unfazed by this poem in that it begins in a very vague set of words—this, it, this, that—and then a quick burst of imagery with your heart on a silver platter, still beating. That’s unique, and that’s what will draw an audience in. Not your vague nouns and phrases that you have flying everywhere else. I challenge you to get specific with your details and paint a picture for your reader; it’ll do more justice to your own work as opposed to just talking about how something or other is bad and how it was wanted by someone who is apparently “you”. It doesn’t work.

Continuing on the imagery kick, I’m intrigued by your stanza regarding the narrator on the floor—it has promise to be the core of the poem if you allow it. And it would be a very stable core at that. Is this a poem about sexual abuse? About self-degradation? The reader can’t really gather from what you’ve given us, but this is the biggest hint here; also, I love how you address the target of ‘you’ as loving the way it makes the narrator look. It’s phenomenal characterization.

And then we dive back into vagueness! There’s much fat that can be trimmed from this. And it may not even be fat—it’s mainly just air that doesn’t belong. You have two key images, in my opinion—the beating heart and the narrator on the floor—stem off of these and give the reader something worthwhile that will impact him and leave him wanting to read more of your work.

Hope this helps,

-Lumi

Hi Scarlett Fire
I liked this poem. I liked it a lot. I don't know much about poems, but I'll say what I liked and what I think could be improved

Things I liked
I liked the way it was in first person but you addressed the reader. It made me feel part of the whole thing and it was as if it triggered a video in my head of the poem.
Some of the imagery was great here:

and wanted my heart
on a silver platter, still beating.

Or

battered and broken like that old toy you used to love,
with the chipped paint and shattered arms

This one ^ reminds me of those old Barbie dolls that are now unloved. Is that the kind of thing you meant?

Didn't you say that as you pushed me down,
and smashed me into peices? Again and again,
like the mirror you shattered back in seventh grade?

Wow, that one was a powerful bit of imagery for me. The narrator must feel like a piece of glass smashed over and over again...

I didn't understand the bit in bold there. I don't think it was meant to be part of the sentence because it makes it feel like half the sentence is missing. Was that just a mistake?

Yeah, the one you cut your hand on,
with the blood coating your skin
and the dangerous scowl you gave me.

'Blood coating your skin' was brilliant

Things that could be improved
None! There's a big improvement between the original version and the second version. Most of the things I would've said has been improved I love the last line by the way.

Overall
Brilliant! I don't know much about poetry but I can say that there is a massive improvement between the drafts

Keep writing!
Mac

Scarli! ^.^ Here to attempt to review. (Note that I'm still just getting back into practice here. x.x)

First of all, this is definitely a major improvement over the first version. I read over Lumi's review, and I have to say that I agreed with him about the first draft. However, you seem to have taken his advice, and I am going to have to say that I really liked the outcome.

The flow is souch easier to read now, and you took those strong images and put them at the core of the poem. The bit about the narrator, and then the bit about the mirror added a lit of extra support. You glued everything in nicely, and the read got better as you got closer to the end. It would seem that you were leading up to something, and the way you finished was excellent.

The only thing that seemed a little off to me was that you seemed to have the stronger, more thought/emotion provoking bits nearer the end... and of course, I said that it felt like you were building up to something, so that can be partially justified, but, what I found was that the first parts seemed a little repetitive. You've made a strong point right off the bat, but it seems to have been dragged out a little long before we hit the strong areas again. There needs to be a bit added/taken away (depending on whether it's repetition or the replacement for repetition) closer to the start of the poem. Of course, I can't scroll down and tell you exactly what stanzas this is in on the iPod, but if I remember correctly, it was the second/more the beginning of the third? >.< (my apologies about that)

But, all in all, the poem really was quite well-done. ^.^

Keep writing loffly,
~~Ish.