Since you’re self-aware that this isn’t aiming for publication in The Really Awesome Really Snooty Rich People Book of Poetry, I won’t have too much to rant about; however, since it’s a rhyming poem with a rhythm, I’d like to see it done correctly, and I’d like to think you’d like the same! This won’t be too serious of a review; we’ll have fun.
To kick things off, your first stanza sounds like something you’d find in a cheesy Christian song these days! Though, I have to hand it to you: not many people will describe boys as having grace, and that interests me. It really characterizes the subject of the poem quite well, and for that I have to give you credit. I just think that you may have forced grace in there to hit your rhyme; and if that’s the case, let’s call it a happy accident? It’s cheesy, but it’s nothing overly concerning.
“I miss the way you looked at me” has eight syllables. “And just what you didn’t see” has seven. Add in another to match your rhythm, please! After all, we can have fun and be technically beautiful at the same time! Also, I think this is a good couplet. Depth and contemplation.
Stanza three has another one of those “lol did she really just say that?” moments for me; it’s a bit silly, but I think I’d have a tough time with voice rhymes, too. If you ever get under the hood of this poem, give this stanza some attention. It could be cute.
WHOA NOW. Stanza four sounds implicative! But I guess it is what it is—I just read into it as some sort of unrequited desire or lust. Strange in a cute poem, but I’ve seen stranger! The rhythm and rhyme works here, so let’s move on.
Your stanza “So, I wonder…upon the stars?” is wonky with the rhythm. The first line is lacking a syllable and the second has an extra. Do some trading and you’ll be fine. The opposite happens in the next stanza, but I quite like it the way it is, despite it being uneven with the rest. And then the final stanza matches it…so I think you should leave it as it is.
Overall, it’s a cute poem. Nothing new, nothing too memorable, but cute all the same. I think it’s one of those deals where I imagine the writer writing it in a pink diary, holding it to her chest, and sighing with her eyes closed. Yeah. One of those moments.
Good job bringing me to the mind of a teenage girl!
-Lumi
I am a forest fire and an ocean, and I will burn you just as much as I will drown everything you have inside.
-Shinji Moon
I am the property of Rydia, please return me to her ship.
If you don't know it's impossible it's easier to do. And because nobody's done it before, they haven't made up rules to stop anyone doing that again, yet. — Neil Gaiman
