Falling Like Rain

This poem is just a follow up on Teardrops From Heaven. I wrote it after being at the viewing for the girl. It starts out as my feelings and observations, then shifts rather suddenly into how the other people in the room are feeling. I chose not to use any grammar on this poem other than punctuation. I know I capitalized the first letter of each line even if it was in the middle of a sentence. Please, don't comment on either of these things. So now, I'll shut up and let you get on to reading the poem.

She's lying so still
As if sleeping at will
So peaceful and calm
While tears fall into my palm
I don't know why
She had to go die
I wait for her to wake
But alas not a move she will make
Tears falling like rain
People begging in vain
Willing her home to them
Their lost and treasured gem
All they want is a final embrace
Before sending her to her eternal resting place

Hi

I like the content of the poem, I like what you're saying, well no like, but you know what I mean. Unfortuently, I don't like the form of it.

I feel that the poem could be a bit longer to add emphasis to what you're trying to say, and make the emotion clearer in the poem if that makes sense. Just so the reader has a longer period to relate to the character.

i know you said that you weren't going for grammar, but I feel that two stanza's, or if you were to write more three, would make the poem more clearer. It would also take away from the rhyme scheme, which a lot of readers don't tend to like, but it feels as though the poem would falter without one, so i'd add stanza's.

Thought the content was very touching and i like that it's a follow on, but I personally think it would be stronger with more form to it.

Keep writing and if you need anything let me know

~Retro disco666

Hello there =] So I was a bit iffy on this. I liked where you were going with this. But I was a bit off at how you went about doing it. I would have liked to know more about what exactly happened. How she died. What you felt, different physical aspects that let us know what you feel.

I think what put me off on it the most is how you used the same rhyming pattern throughout instead of changing it. It got really predictable. I would have really liked to see a little bit more freeformness in it. Maybe rhyme everyother line, just so it opened it up and made it a bit more fresh for the reader.Other than that, I think you really have a nice piece here. Well done =]

Dig it! It was sweet and had a good rhythm but not to much going on! Really nicely done! Good job!

She's lying so still
As if sleeping at will
So peaceful and calm
While tears fall into my palm
I don't know why
She had to go die

Consider rewording this line.

I wait for her to wake
But alas not a move she will make
Tears falling like rain
People begging in vain
Willing her home to them
Their lost and treasured gem
All they want is a final embrace
Before sending her to her eternal resting place

Aaow, I loved your previous poem and this one was just as touching!
You are good at summoning emotions and feelings inside your readers (or inside me at least) you're poetry is very powerful indeed!!! I also thought this poem had a great flow even though the rythm would work better with punctuation! EHm, also, great rhymes, none forced, that's goooood! So, overall, I kinda loved it!

Good Luck & Keep Writing

// Demoness

Oh my god I completly loved that! It was saddening but I do enjoy saddening work. Again its totally relateable and totally didn't sound forced. I can't wait to read more of your work and you can bet that I'll review it. It was beautiful and passionate. Thumbs up! 5 little owls out of 5!
~ Owl