Mind Over Matter

This is so raw and scatter-brained and in serious need of help. Something this personal isn't something I'd normally post, so I apologize if it seems odd. That said, I am looking for serious critiques so don't hesitate to be as harsh as this poem deserves. Thanks in advance for taking the time to read and review this.

My lungs are empty, shriveled
like popped balloons and I can’t
breathe for fear of ripping more
holes into my crinkled skin.
I wonder why the words don’t
fit like lincoln logs into my
empty spaces, black as the
shadows carved beneath our
eyes. Your hands touch my face
and I count the seconds that
your warmth burns my pale cheeks,
branding me as yours. I swear –
grape-stained curses stumbling
out of my lips – that Eden itself
spit you out into my palm, hot as
hellfire but cold as this night.
If you don’t mind, it doesn’t
matter, you said, whispering like
a criminal caught for stealing. So
take the money and run and I’ll
just stay here and wait, fists
clenched around broken promises
to try and keep them together.
But they splinter and crack like
my fingernails biting the lines
in my hands that mirror the lines
on our faces and the lines we’d
intertwine. They splinter like
these metaphors, made for
making sense of everything
that seems all too nonsensical
right now. Truth is just one
more line you’ll never hear:
I do mind. And it does matter.

this was very well written. i loved the part about "words fitting like lincoln logs" this line had great imagery. in fact, the whole poem had really good imagery. but it was a bit confusing, so maybe try to make it a little more understandable! the title really fits with this piece, because of the line "if you don't mind, it doesn't matter" or what the line said. i didn't see any grammar mistakes, but i wasn't sure why one of the lines was italicized...great work keep writing!

Hey Explosive,

This is a really well written piece other then the lack of commas, and I think you should split it differently.

My lungs are empty,
shriveled like popped balloonscomma
and I can’t breathe
for fear of ripping more
holes into my crinkled skin.

I wonder why the words don’t fit
like lincoln logs into my empty spaces,
black as the shadows
carved beneath our eyes.

Your hands touch my face comma
and I count the seconds that
your warmth burns my pale cheeks,
branding me as yours.

I swear –
grape-stained curses stumbling I love this line!
out of my lips – that Eden itself
spit you out into my palm,
hot as hellfirecomma but cold as this night.

If you don’t mind,
it doesn’t matter,
you said, whispering
like a criminal caught for stealing.

So I think it would sound better if you got rid of So
Take the money and runcomma
and I’ll just stay here and wait, Also it sounds smoother with out the 'just'
fists clenched
around broken promises
to try and keep them together. You are a very talent writer with getting words to bend, and show your emotions clearly. Congrats!

But they splinter and crack
like my fingernails biting the lines
in my hands that mirror the lines
on our faces comma
and the lines we’d intertwine.

They splinter like
these metaphors,
made for making sense of everything
that seems all too nonsensical right now. I really liked this stanza at as well.

Truth is just one
more line you’ll never hear:
I do mindcomma
And it does matter.

Very well written. I think its easier to read in stanza form, so just consider it! You have very good imagery, and writing skills!

PM me or post on my wall if you have any questions!

-Boo

Due to your lack of stanzas, I felt like the whole poem was rushed. I didn't have time to let the words sink in because I was just trying to read. I also don't know if I like how a lot of the lines broke right in the middle of a thought. It just felt a bit choppy and rushed. Other than that, you had beautiful diction and imagery. It needs a bit more work, but it is a very beautiful poem.