telling of the yet untold

I like to live
b e t w e e n
the leaves of stories
never told
by flapping tongues
and lying lips

instead
these stories spiral
drawn by ink impressed
on thinnest leaves
of paper thinned
so stories voice
true to ones who live
b e t w e e n
the leaves of stories
never told
of stories yet to tell

Hi there!

This poem is great! I honestly couldn't find anything to correct so I'm going to tell you what I liked about it. My comments are in red.

Kyllorac wrote:I like to live
b e t w e e n I absolutly love this part. I like the way you spaced out the word to give it that added effect.
the leaves of stories
never told
by flapping tongues
and lying lips
Great first stanza. It has a lot imagery.

instead
these stories spiral
drawn by ink impressed
on thinnest leaves
of paper thinned I love the flow of these couple of lines
so stories voice
true to ones who live
b e t w e e n again, this is great!
the leaves of stories
never told
of stories yet to tell

Again, this is great. Keep writing!

I have to say I am incredibly confused by this lol. I get the gist of it, but the lack of punctuation makes it confusing as to where to take a break so I found myself readingeverythinglikeitwasonebigword.

I like to live
B e t w e e n
The leaves of stories <-- I love this, book imagery.
Never told,
By flapping tongues <-- And this, makes me think of birds/vultures surrounding the gossip that 'lying lips' like to talk of
And lying lips.

Capital letters at the beginning at every line!

Instead
These stories spiral,
Drawn by ink impressed
On thinnest leaves
Of paper thinned,
So stories voice
True, to ones who live
B e t w e e n <-- I don't get to see this often, I think it's a great technique as you're making the main point of the poem stick out, and the word in itself is an image because it looks like you are actually the space in between the letters.
The leaves of stories <-- However I feel you've used leaves maybe one or two times too many, I would just go with pages or another more imaginative word here instead of leaves.
Never told,
Of stories yet to tell.

The blue edits are where I feel some punctuation could go, to make it flow better. However, as the poet, you can choose exactly where you want breaks to be, I just feel it would flow and read much easier with some pauses in between.

The green edits are comments on the bold parts of the line the arrow is next to.

I hope I've helped, as I can see this has potential but just needs a couple of small edits to make it perfect! I like your idea, and it feels very personal. I LOVE the b e t w e e n it fits really well. Well done, keep it up.

I didn't like the spacing of the word between. It came off as.... too obvious? maybe. This poem is a skeleton, it seems meandering and confused. It is defined by a lack of detail and ineffective repetition. Maybe you should try pushing the metaphor a little further, you have leaves... it's not a far jump to trees, trees have many branches and leaves which is a quick jump to multi-layered cosmic consciousness and quantum mechanics.

"thinnest leaves paper thinned."

too much thin. I'd change the paper thinned part... just sounds like flattening things. You might as well say "pancaked" which lacks grace.

I don't know, I'd try again

I have to disagree with you perdido, as I the 'soft' words he used and the leaf metaphor were used for a reason. Harsh sounds and words would ruin the delicate atmosphere that is being created... I think Kyllorac intended for it to be quite dreamy and whimsical, as it is about 'things untold' which are often random thoughts and dreams that people aren't often 100% about, as they are not facts or things that others know.

I think your poem was great, and it really painted a picture for me, but to me it felt incomplete, but nevertheless well done on a superb peice!

Hokay. Since this is you, you'll be wanting an in-depth review. I'll try my best, but.... let's just say I'm no Mustard. I seem to better at the emotions and things behind a story, so let's see how this goes.

I like to live
b e t w e e n
the leaves of stories

I also love the point you made with spacing, and I positively adore the "leaves of stories" line(s). They make me think of small children jumping into leaf piles and lovers walking down picturesque country lanes in the fall, as well as the imagery you intended. It makes me picture the leaves of a book as actual leaves, and the pages turn as they change from paper to leaf and back again. (I may have to take that someplace, if I can just get it write past the initial concept...)

never told
by flapping tongues
and lying lips

Love this, but why are they lying? Are all storytellers liars? (Incidentally, "storyteller" brings to mind "tall tales", while "writer" does not. ...I couldn't figure out another way to phrase this. -_-)

instead
these stories spiral
drawn by ink impressed
on thinnest leaves
of paper thinned

Spiral... where? Where are they going?

so stories voice
true to ones who live

The wording is a bit confusing to me. It's probably at least partially due to the fact that I was expecting you to describe the thing that thinned the paper, but you moved to what the stories are voicing... I think what's confusing here is that I'm expecting "so stories voice/[what the stories are voicing]" and... well, that obviously didn't happen. You decide if that's good or not.

b e t w e e n
the leaves of stories
never told
of stories yet to tell

Unfinished sentence police! *tweeeet!* ;3
It feel like you're skipping again with "never told/of stories yet to tell", but again, with this style, I think you can decide if you want that or not.

On the whole, I really enjoyed this--my comments were really me getting out a microscope and dissecting things.
I love how you took "Reading in between the lines" and ran with it. The idea is wonderful, it'll probably influence me a lot.