deleted

5 posts
Random avatar
Gender None specified
Points 1245
Reviews 142
deleted
Last edited by lele253isme on Thu Sep 15, 2011 2:23 am, edited 2 times in total.




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 367
Reviews 165
This was an interesting read; How you portrayed standing out as a bad thing, instead of positive individuality and such. It's one that makes people think. Anyway, I had one critique to make:

They look me up and down
Scanning me
Judging my difference
They ways stand out
Like a white washed spot
On a black cloth
A splash of bold colors
In a gray sky


The phrase "They ways stand out" does not quite make the sense it needs to. I think you meant to say "The ways stand out", but I could be wrong. In any case, a minor typo that should be easy to fix.

Again, I enjoyed reading your poem. I can tell you put a lot of thought into it. Great Job!
Last edited by Sassykat on Mon Aug 15, 2011 4:43 pm, edited 1 time in total.
Shakespearian tongue-twister:

To sit in solemn silence
In a dark, dank dock
In a pestilential prison
With a lifelong lock;
Awaiting the sensation
Of a short, sharp shock
Of a cheap, chippy chopper
On a big black block.




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 1850
Reviews 82
Hi there!

Wow. I honestly love the concept you are going for. No matter how hard you try, you're always the "odd one out", just like you're title says! Anyways, I have just one nit-pick:

They look me up and down
Scanning me
Judging my difference
The way I stand out
Like a white washed spot
On a black cloth
A splash of bold colors
In a gray sky


I think that's how it's supposed to be. If not, I'm proved wrong :). Anyways, awesome job and keep it up!

- gleek456 <3
YOU'VE GOT THAT ONE THING




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 5063
Reviews 228
I think the title you've chosen for the poem is perfect. It suits it. I really liked the part where you wrote 'A splash of bold colors' as in the odd one. And also the line 'It's not all physical pain. The words hurt more than the punches'. It was really touching. The entire poem was touching, full of emotion. Keep it up! :)
You can wish for death... but you can't wish it away




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 5497
Reviews 117
Hey there!

I love you're concept but (Oh darn. Sorry ->) its a little old. Its been done alot. So lets see if you're poem forgives and covers up your plot.

They look me up and down,
Scanning me , I think Scanning should be Scan
Judging my difference,
They ways stand out.
Like a white washed spot,
On a black cloth.
A splash of bold colors,
In a gray sky .


Now, I'm not going to point out what the other two reviewers said in this paragraph. (though they are right.) What really... got to me was your lack of puntuations. ItWasLikeReadingTheEntirePoemAsOneWord <- annoying right?

So why don't you check out my blue marks, and read with the puntuations. It flows more better, yeah? But then again, placing a puntuation in one place can change the meaning of a poem, so it is up to you how you want to put them.

Also, I kind of hate your grammer in the first few lines. The sound so awkward. Sorry Dx

It's not all physical pain
The words hurt more than the punches
Its not all verbal
I've got the bruises to prove it
The worst is mental
They make me believe
I believe what they say
All of the names they use for me
Like coded words for pain


Baby, I'm loving you for this paragraph! Seriously! I thought after the first one that this poem will take some heck of a review but man! I was sooo wrong! This poem was it!

So, yeah, other than that, they weren't much mistakes (except the puntuations.) and this sure covers up for the cliche.
Well done and hope I wasn't to harsh in the beginning.

PM or wall me if you need anything!
-JT
If I were to have a super power, it would be to time-travel, so that I could turn back time, and erase your very existence.



I feel like if I was the mafia I’d leave a voicemail.
— Atticus