Creation Undesigned

Well, before I begin, let me mention this is my first post on the site. And, I'm ot sure of the HTML here, so if I get it wrong, bear with me.

Mist pours over what was once your creation.

Once blooming in growth,
Now falls to the corrupt seed.

As dim, distorted light seeps through the coverings of this alien biome.

And in the depths of this dark, yet somewhat enchanting environment,
The man who only wished for beauty,
Sulks at his failure.

As he himself, becomes moved by what he once resented,
He falls into the darkness he wish prevent.

Even as a prophet foresaw it,
He need not heed the warning.

And now, under the seed of corruption,
He mocks the name of such a prophet.

Myself.

What's the <br> thing about? Anyway, great poem! I loved the way you expressed yoursefl throughout, it was astonishing! I also loved how you used the image of darkness throughout. Talk about depressing! It was very heavy for me, maybe a bit too heavy at some points. Either way, you have been doing a great job so far on YWS! Can't wait to see more things from you! Awesome

Hey there!

Intersting poem, but I'm a little surprised. You've been here 2 months longer than me, and this is your first? :/ Sad, it is, for such a great poet such as yourself, sitting and not rhyming. I consider myself a poet too, though I admit, I'm nothing close to you. I love the darkness and the postioning of the poem. The true meaning layers underneath, but not too foggy, clear for one to see. (Rhymes? 0.o)

As he himself, becomes moved by what he once resented,<br>

What is with the <br>?

Also, I don't think that that comma is needed there.

Keep rhyming!

Well, as explenation. The <br> is an HTML code from another site I go on quite frequently, I didn't realize I wasn't forced to type the blasted thing here!

Hha, aside from the br things that were quite annoying and killed my eyes when I tried to find the next line this was pretty good.. (If you wanna remove the br:s and make us all a favour just click edit in the right corner) I like your imagery, and even though I couldn't find any structure (unsure if it was because there were none or because of the br:s) I still likes this piece alot. But I think my review would be more helpful if I could get an overview and read it properly As it is.. it's hard to find a flow and yeeh... Nice job anyhows :p

Good Luck & Keep Writing

// Demoness

There we go, all the <br>s gone.

I love the expression used in the poem, if I'm not mistaken, this should be an allegory to the fall of man in the garden of Eden.It has a lot of depth and meaning. You did an overall excellent job.

it had no rhyme to it. maybe give it some rhyme? or make a discussion page and have people help with it. but i don't write much so mine aren't very good either.

I feel that forcing rhyme schemes in often ruin a poem. Unless one easily comes to me. Monotonously forcing one in seems like it will ruin the poem.