The Way Out

Dark emotions, battle scarred.
He walked in the shadows of death.
The broken one with eyes so hollow,
For justice and love he never had.

Cold bullets, a shattered heart.
The ones he loved most,
Were the ones he lost first.
Wounds that never got taken care of.

Hidden tears, a painful road.
Always pretending that life didn't hurt.
He lived in a delusional world,
And concealed the mess with cold words.

Burning light, deep within.
Found in the words of wisdom.
Everlasting love, heartwarming.
Shown by the sacrifice of another man's life.

All he had to do was open the door,
And dark emotions would fade into the light,
Cold bullets would be forgiven,
And hidden tears would find their way out.

Hi there!

My corrections/suggestions are in bold

qaralynn wrote:Dark emotions, battle scarred.
He walked in the shadows of death.
The broken one with eyes so hollow,
For justice and love he never had.
Great opening stanza. It sets the tone for the rest of the piece

Cold bullets, a shattered heart.
The ones he loved most,
Were the ones he first lost first. (This sounds more natural if you put 'first' at the end)
Wounds that were never got taken care of.
Good job at keeping the intensity consistant

Hidden tears, a painful road.
Always pretended pretending like life didn't hurt. (This line flows better if you change the tense of 'pretend')
He lived in a delusional world,
And concealed the mess with cold words.

Burning light, deep within.
Found in the words of wisdom
Everlasting love, heartwarming.
Shown by the sacrifice of another man's life.
Wow...nice change. You went from dark and depressing to bright and hopeful

Opening the door was All he had to do was open the door,
And dark emotions would faded into the light,
Cold bullets were would be forgiven,
And hidden tears would found find their way out.

Those were just a couple suggestions that I thought would help make this poem flow better. You don't have to use them. Overall, I liked this piece. Keep writing!

QARA! Hellue!

You managed with the 4line-stanzas! And you managed well! Good job!
Also, AMAZING, GREAT, AWEGREAT Imagery and description and stuff! This piece is really, truly vivid!

I only found one thing that I personally would change and that's this;
"Were the ones he first lost" - Think first and lost should swap places, it flows better that way

At a few places the lines were too long, followed by a very short one and that made a little hop in the flow but overall it worked well. I also like that you use good punctation!

So, I give this.... wait for iiit.... 4/5 splendide spiders!

Good Luck & Keep Writing

// Demoness

Hey there! Great poem, just so you know. I couldn't find any corrections to make (I'm guessing Noelle found them all lol!) I can't put my finger on what I liked most about this poem, I just know that it caught my eye and held my attention all the way through. Keep up the awesome work!

Hey Qara!

I agree with Demoness, the imagery in this piece is wonderful!

The only issue I had was that there was a bit too much abstract. I kind of latched on to this man as a character, and I was intrigued about his story but it wasn't really told. Battle wounds, loved ones lost, someone else's sacrifice and a door being opened... I guess if I knew what it was about then it would all make sense, but right now it's a bit like pieces that haven't quite tied together yet.

Let's not forget the positive. Not just the wonderful imagery, but how involved I felt with the piece and the man in it. Getting the reader involved is something many writers struggle with, but you dragged me straight in.

Good work! Keep it up
~Ten