Deathbed

Spoiler

So, I spent a lot of time on this poem, trying to make it really good. Now that I'm satisfied with it, please go ahead and destroy it in your reviews. I'm serious, feel free to tear my poem apart. I'm feeling very proud of this poem, so I really hope it is at least okay. But... I'm not a poet, and am very curious to see what you YWSers have to say about this.

Waiting in an endless sea of agony
With a frantic, barely beating heart.

Fearing the approaching catastrophe
That will tear your world apart.

Knowing that your life was wasted,
Just like his and hers and ours.

Seeing strangers’ failures pasted
On a collage of misused hours.

Dreading that upcoming moment
When your days will be revealed.

Remembering letters never sent,
Although written and sealed.

Hating each broken relationship;
Each friend turned into foe.

Feeling the searing pain of each rip
That filled your heart with woe.

Hearing every angry, hurtful word
That came from your evil tongue.

Detesting the unbreakable cord
Where your dreams were hung.

Glancing back and observing
Your torn and shattered life.

Realizing at last one simple thing:
You should have had less strife.

Admiring how immensely strange-
That it all had seemed so good.

Perceiving the subtle change
You would make if you could.

Comprehending, if you could go back,
You would fight to make a difference

Grasping the idea of staying on track
Of using some common sense.

Hoping you can find some way
To make your mistakes be yours alone.

Praying that this will be the day
When your problems you can disown.

I can't tear this apart, it's too beautiful; too filled with emotion to destroy it's foundation and so I can only say that I loved each stanza and hoped that you would keep it going.
One thing, though, there are a few stanzas that break the flow and cause some word-gaps ... like in the third last stanza:
"Grasping the idea of staying on track
Of understanding those illusive hints."
The word hints throws everything off before returning into flow in the next stanzas.. Think of it like this - there's a beautiful river, flowing smoothly and then ... bam!... A rock sits in the middle of it .. So obviously the river has to go around it but it's a big rock so it stumbles over it before returning into it's smooth flow.
Good? I hope that made sense, I can't seem to make sense nowadays. Oh! What a tragedy.

I like how the title goes with the poem too..


Anyways- Overall , I loved it and hope that you don't underestimate your poet-ism.

Harro, cailey =-)
Well, let me start off by saying that I love the emotion that was put into this. I believe that if you’re going to write poetry, it “needs” your own, personal emotions put into it—that’s part of the beauty.

Anyway, I have to say, the line: “with a frantic, barely beating heart”, struck me as beautiful. If you look up the word “frantic” in Microsoft Word, it says it means: anxious, worried, frenzied, hysterical. . . .
And then you said “barely beating heart”. At first I was like: “huh?” But after I reread it, I totally fell in love with its relatable feeling. Lol I know I typically sound a little cheesy, but I call them like I see them.

Now then, “if” you asked my opinion, I might possibly “reword” the line: “just like his and hers and ours.” As I was reading, I was like: “wow, whoever wrote this sounds like he/she has a lot of experience.” Lol (Though, I have to admit, my envy was slighting more on the jealous side haha XD)
It was so dramatic and beautiful, but when I got to that one particular line, I felt like the flow fell a little. (But it picked back up quickly soon after)

I also like: “seeing strangers’ failures posted, on a collage of misused hours.”
Lol it reminded me a little of the bible, it’s something I had to think about for a minute until I got it, but even then I don’t feel like I understood the depth behind it. Lol but maybe I’m over thinking it?
And for some reason, this part “dreading that upcoming moment, when your days will be revealed” also reminds me of the bible. Like the end of time or something haha

But my favorite line, probably in the whole poem, was: “remembering letters never sent, although written and sealed.”
Lol I won’t bore you by going through each and every line, because I don’t want it to sound like I’m rambling. Although I think that ship has already sailed T_T

Okay, so, parts I would consider revising:
“Realizing at last one simple thing: you should have had less strife.”


“Praying that this will be the day
when you can your problems disown.”
The last line has a sentence failure, maybe you should reword it?


And epic lines for me personally:
“Hoping you can find some way
to make your mistakes be yours alone.”


“Hearing every angry, hurtful word
that came from your evil tongue.”

“Detesting the unbreakable cord
where your dreams where hung.”

“Glancing back, and observing
Your torn and shattered life.”


Altogether, I thought it was really good =)
So basically, I loved it ^-^ a lot lol
Hope I helped “some”.

*waves franticly* Live long and prosper--Charade <3

P.S: The title is perfect. Don't change it.

The effort you put into this poem totally paid off! It was beautiful, and the rhyming enhanced the poem instead of dragging it down. I envy your rhyming skills!
The only nitpick I found was this:

Detesting the unbreakable cord
Where your dreams where hung.

I'm pretty sure you meant to write this:

Detesting the unbreakable cord
Where your dreams were hung.

Anyway, that's all I have to critic on really. In your spoiler you said you're not a poet, but I have to disagree! This was amazing, and I can't wait to read more of your work!

Hi there!

This poem is great. It's very well written and has so much great emotion in it. I don't have anything bad to say, so I figured I'd point out what I like (this is written in red).

Cailey wrote:Waiting in an endless sea of agony
With a frantic, barely beating heart.
Very powerful. It definitely brings a lot of emotion to the piece.

Fearing the approaching catastrophe Don't we all? *sigh*
That will tear your world apart.

Knowing that your life was wasted,
Just like his and hers and ours. This is great. You could've written 'Just like theirs', but I like it better this way. This is not a simple poem. You've put so much into it!

Seeing strangers’ failures posted
On a collage of misused hours.

Dreading that upcoming moment
When your days will be revealed.

Remembering letters never sent,
Although written and sealed. Ah, the regrets of life.

Hating each broken relationship;
Each friend turned into foe. More regrets

Feeling the searing pain of each rip
That filled your heart with woe.

Hearing every angry, hurtful word
That came from your evil tongue.

Detesting the unbreakable cord
Where your dreams where hung.

Glancing back, and observing
Your torn and shattered life.

Realizing at last one simple thing:
You should have had less strife. Great word. Way to use your vocabulary!

Admiring how immensely strange-
That it all had seemed so good.

Perceiving the subtle change
You would make if you could.

Comprehending, if you could go back,
You would fight to make a difference

Grasping the idea of staying on track
Of understanding those illusive hints.

Hoping you can find some way
To make your mistakes be yours alone.

Praying that this will be the day
When you can your problems disown.

Again, this was a great, great piece. I can definitely tell that you put a lot of time into this. Keep writing!

This is an amazing poem! To manage keeping that great flow and rythm and same time manage with the rhymes must have take quite an effort but it certainly paid off! This is just brilliant!

Only.. I have one little nitpick! You've kept a rhyming scheme up where the last word on the first stanza rhymes with the last word on the second one up until this moment.

These are my favorite lines!

"Hearing every angry, hurtful word
That came from your evil tongue.

Detesting the unbreakable cord
Where your dreams where hung." - I love this stanzas! (One thing though... don't you mean "Were" instead of "Where"

"Comprehending, if you could go back,
You would fight to make a difference

Grasping the idea of staying on track
Of understanding those illusive hints." - I don't know if this was an attempt to make a secondary rhyme but it's just not workin for me ^^

Soo.. overall! I kinda loved this and I think it deserves 4½/5 spiders as soon as you've fixed the frammatic errors and preferable also found away to fix the hop in the rhymingscheme ;DD


Good Luck & Keep Writing

// Demoness

This was absolutely beautiful! You've captured emotion and spread it our nicely for all us to see and experience. Great job! For a a person that's "not a poet" you have done extremely well!

A few things:

Cailey wrote:Detesting the unbreakable cord
Where your dreams where hung.

The second "where" is supposed to be "were" i'm thinking...

Cailey wrote:Glancing back, and observing
Your torn and shattered life.

The comma here isn't needed. Rarely is it used before "and" anyways. If so, usually after. With that first line though, you don't need the comma.

My favorite lines:

Cailey wrote:Hoping you can find some way
To make your mistakes be yours alone.

Praying that this will be the day
When you can your problems disown.

You summed up the poem nicely with these last stanzas. I thought they were great and if the read didn't get the picture before, these lines just told them.

Great job! Brilliant...
-Brie
(p.s. Your rhyme scheme really agreed with me :p I liked it much! Thought it fit perfectly...)