My Best Friend

Spoiler

I wrote this at the beginning of this year, and I'm happy to say my poetry writing has improved since then. I did almost ten reviews for review day (and I'm not talking about short little reviews, I'm talking about reviews that were at least 3000 characters in length and really well thought out) even though I was only by my computer on Saturday night and Sunday afternoon. I am ready to write my own stuff and not review at least until tomorrow:)
So here's a short poem I wrote about my best friend in the world that I showed to her and she loved it. Feel free to tear it apart and tell me there's a lot of work that needs to be done on it. It's not one of the best things I've written, and although it's about my best friend it's also not one of my favorites.

My best friend is always there for me
She knows when I’m down
And we never lose each other at sea
I will never let her frown
And we both have each other’s keys

When someone asks me about my best friend
I say I could never live without her
And we never find ourselves at a dead end
We never use the phrase, “what we once were”
Often times things don’t always happen the way we intend

But I wouldn’t trade her for the world
That would bring too many tears
With chocolate ice-cream that is swirled
We love to laugh and talk about boys whenever they’re near
A wide smile with curls

The value of a best friend is more than the world will ever know
They seem to think you can’t trust anyone
And everyone puts on a show
But I know all the fun
And I know her glow

Spoiler

Yes I realize the last stanza seems to be off topic to what the rest of the poem was talking about. If you have any ideas let me know.

Okay, before I start, remember that this poem is actually really awesome. Im just breaking it down.

My best friend is always there for me/ good opening so far...
She knows when I'm down./okay. Stop right there. This is a good line, but ig does not flow. Maybe try "when I am down" it sounds better i think.
And we never lose each other ar sea/ once again, no flow. Plus, why is the sea here? Is that important in your friendship? The ocean? How about, we will never lose eachother and. I would suggest altering your rhyme scheme. To many restrictions.
I'll never let her frown./ keep this. It is good. Very good.

I would drop every fifh line. They dont fit.

When someone asks me about my best friend/ take out "me"
I say I could never live without her/ errmm. Maybe "we wouldn't last far from eachother"???
And we will never hit a dead end/ hmm. "we will never reach our end"
We never use the phrse "what we once were"/ "or ever use the phrase "what we once were' "

But I wouldnt trade her for the world/ take out but.
That would bring too many tears/ "i would cry too many tears"
With ice crem that is swirled/ what the fudge? This is exactly why you should alter the rhyme scheme.

I dont remember the rest so i wont try. This is an awrsome poem. Really. Everything i said are just things i would do. But this is betwren you and your friend. Keep it that way.

To be honest here, some of the lines seemed forced. I don't think that you should ever put rhyming first in poetry, because if that's the main point of the poem, then sometimes, the poem seems a bit forced and lines appear out of the blue only so the poem could have rhyme, also, when rhyme is used like that, the flow corrupts and... dies.

Now, your poem have some sense of flow in it. It's not brilliant, but it's there. Also, some of your lines do seemed a bit forced. Like here:

stargazer9927 wrote:And we never lose each other at sea
I will never let her frown
And we both have each other's keys

The first line there seemed a bit... unnecesary. It jumped out of the blue. The same goes for the fifth line. Although I do get what you're trying to say and it does link back up to the original topic, it still seemed a bit forced.

That said, I love the rhyming structure you've used and I'm sure that with a bit more practice, you'll be able to rhyme more flowingly. Keep it up!

Hi.. okay, the theme and selection for topic was nice.. But I too will say that it was very very forced.. The flow just was disrupted at so many places that it ruined the complete poem.. It will need a lot of work and much more improvement to make it what it should be.. please do not think I'm being hard.. I'm just giving my opinion.. in case you need help, PM me I will gladly help..
Harshita:)

Hello there.
Your material was good. Well thought of but it got trashed by the forced rhymes. Do not give rhymes the first and the main priority. Just let things flow as they come. Make it natural; not forced. If you right whatever comes to your mind; that would be better than a poem with forced rhymes.
Now time for the nitpicks:

stargazer9927 wrote:My best friend is always there for me
She knows when I’m down
And we never lose each other at sea
I will never let her frown
And we both have each other’s keys

You start off the stanza is a good way but although it being a bit cliché, it’s okay. The third line was a total blunder. It ruins the flow of the poem, the rhyme is forced and it totally does not relate to anything from above. You need to edit it. And then again in the last line. No. Do not force your rhymes; it does not do justice to your poem. It takes away the interest to read. If a poem has a good flow and the rhymes are natural the poem is a delight for a reader. You need to work a lot on this.

stargazer9927 wrote:When someone asks me about my best friend
I say I could never live without her
And we never find ourselves at a dead end
We never use the phrase, “what we once were”
Often times things don’t always happen the way we intend

Why’d you change the tense all of a sudden in the second line? Stick to one tense throughout. I also suffer with the same problems sometime.
You might want to change the second line to: And to this friendship there will be no end. What do you think?

stargazer9927 wrote:But I wouldn’t trade her for the world
That would bring too many tears
With chocolate ice-cream that is swirled
We love to laugh and talk about boys whenever they’re near
A wide smile with curls

Keep it in the present. Do not run off to the past. As I said stick to the same tense. The ‘but’ at the start of the first line is not needed; you might want to remove it. The fourth line is a bit longer than the others so it disturbs the flow a bit. Make it a bit shorter. What is the last line? It doesn’t even make sense in this stanza.

And the last stanza is the best of all the poem. It's in flow and all.
I hope my review helps. If you have any queries just let me know.
Keep writing. (:

Here to bamboozle you ^_^

I really liked this poem, it's good that you know that your poems have gotten better, and that you admit that this isn't your best poem, but like it all the same.

Allthough the topic was a little cliche, the poem was good, and gave you a warm fuzzy 'friend' feeling. I think that this poem has a lot more potential, and that you could improve it a lot more, and add more stanzas.

And now for the critique-y part

stargazer9927 wrote:My best friend is always there for me
She knows can tell when I’m down
And we never lose each other at sea This line seems out of place, forced, it doesn't even make sense to be honest, 'she knows when I'm down and we never lose each other at sea' do you go to the sea together often? I think you should completly rewrite this sentence.
I will never let her frown
And we both have each other’s keys Again, this really doesn't make sense O_o

When someone asks me about my best friend
I say I could never live without her
And we never find ourselves at a dead end I think you should change this line to the one ehte suggested.
We never use the phrase, “what we once were” I think you should cut out 'once'
Often times things don’t always happen the way we intend Again, another line that doesn't make sense.

But I wouldn’t trade her for the world
That would bring too many tears
With chocolate ice-cream that is swirled I think this line is awesome, but it doesn't make sense that tears come with swirly chocolate ice-cream...
We love to laugh and talk about boys whenever they’re near
A wide smile with curls You can see a recurring theme here, can't you?

I liked this stanza the most

The value of a best friend is more than the world will ever know
They seem to think you can’t trust anyone
And everyone puts on a show I don't understand these two lines, your best friend thinks you don't trust her?
But I know all the fun
And I know her glow

Keep up the writing!

~Tinkem

Thanks for all your reviews! I'll have to put the editing of this poem on my list of everything that needs to be edited since I posted it on YWS (trust me, it's long:))

It made me laugh that you guys all liked the line I didn't like the most. But that tends to happen with my things I post. If I'm not too fond of it, everyone else loves it. If I love it, no one even looks at it. Weird.

I agree several lines do feel forced, especially the frown line. To me I feel you'd do better in prose. You won't limit yourself by trying to find a ccertain line that rhymes. You manage to follow the rhythm much better in this poem of yours, the line length, voice, etc remain constant and never really stumble aside from the rhyme points.

There's a sweet, silly innocence to this piece that shines through and it reminds me of myself when I did poetry so I connect with this piece on that level. Its not complex, or particularly amazing, but it doesn't need to be, it's simple and cute.

Sometimes you may love a line that others hate. This is writing, and honestly the reader and audience is more important to consider if you are serious about writing. Sometimes your love for writing can impede you and cause you to miss some cliche or poorly worded lines, I know this happened to me when I did my novel at first (though now it's just great) but I had to go through it from someone elses view and had to cut so many lines.

THis is a solid piece, and with a clean up and redit of the rhyming issue the piece could very well be great.

This was really good. I got the message and it reminded me of me and my best friend. Now, it didn't flow the way I thought it would, it could be because of lack of rhyming, but changing it is entirely up to you. It also seemed a little too simple, which can easily be fixed by using more fancy words, but again that's entirely up to you. Overall, I loved reading your poem. I can't wait to read more! Keep on writing!