Gotta give replies time. Took over 48 hours for me to get the first review on my most recent story. You can also get people to review me by thanking them with points for the review. Although, don't give me points! I always just give 'em back.
Moving on...
"It makes me weep like the clouds "
Using a pronoun (it) when before you were using adjectives like "glistening" and "cold" made this line sound very much broken from the rest of the poem. You should try rewording it so as to get rid of any pronouns.
I thought that this was done pretty well. I like the descriptive lines you got, and everything flows except for that one line that I already mentioned.
If knowledge can create problems, it is not through ignorance that we can solve them.
Isaac Asimov
I like it! Its short, but sweet in a depressing sort of way. Hmm.. That doesn't make sense, does it. I can feel the motion of the bus.
The only thing I would sugest is not repeating tears twice in two lines. You might want to think about playing with the order of the lines, so its not so repetitive up there.
Even the wipers can't drive my tears away.
That is my favorite line, although I'd put them, insead of my tears.
Jennafina's Love Your Body Already Dammit Campaign
i like the idea of writing a poem on the bus. very original. the poem, however, was nice but not especially unique or memorable. perhaps if you made it longer and maybe used more interesting vocabulary, it would stand out more. but i did like this; its sweet like Jennafina said, and i also agree that the last line was great, the best line in my opinion. great way to wrap up the poem...
"I myself am composed entirely of flaws, stitched together with good intentions."- Augusten Burroughs
*big puppy dog eyes*................................................................................................???????????????????
