Thou Shall Not Murder

Spoiler

Hello! I wrote this a bit ago and decided to post it. I'm not sure if I want to continue to write it - to make it a novel or leave it as this. So, please feel free to give your honest to goodness opinion.

Ginger

I was killed on October 30th, 1962.

No - no, I wasn’t. I didn’t die.

But I wish I had.

I was only seven.

My family and I were at the orchard. It was the night before Halloween.

I wondered off. Getting lost in the hay maze with my best friend.

We had giggled ridiculously; as we tried to find our way out.

She decided to go the opposite direction. I continued forward.

Running.

And running.

Trying to beat her to the end.

But I ran into something. Someone.

I looked up. Afraid of seeing a mad face staring down at me.

Instead, it was a huge goofy grin that I saw.

I smiled back at the boy I knew as Billy.

I had seen him around the neighborhood.

He gave me and my friend piggyback rides.

Use to.

“Sorry!” my mouth exclaimed as I moved around him.

I didn’t get far.

A hand on my shoulder stopped me.

It hurt. The grip hardened as something dug itself into my back.

Screams.

Blood.

So much blood.

Screams for help.

Sobs ringing in the cold air.

Stab. Stab.

Screams.

***

Soft hands gripped gently on my shoulder.

Flipping me over so I could face upward.

Sting.

Bleary sight.

Moan.

“It’s okay, Gin. I’m here now.” my big brother’s soft whispering carried worry and reassurance towards me.

His careful hands wrapped a coat around me.

Lifting.

Nauseous.

My head rolling to the side.

Moan.

Straw. Hay.

Everywhere.

Blood.

Splattered.

Soaking the hay that had been torn from the maze walls as I had struggled.

***

Screams.

Anguished screams.

My mother.

My brother’s pace fastened.

Though he had already been running.

“My baby!”

Mommy!

Gasps and shouts.

Strong arms.

Ruff hands.

Buttoned shirt.

Papa.

“Baby, we’ve got you. You’re safe.” he whispered.

Brother’s soothing words,

directed towards mother.

Engines.

Doors slamming.

Papa’s arms leaving me.

Giving me up to an awkward bed.

Anguished screams.

Mommy!

This is sad, but beautiful at the same time. you should definitely make this into either a novel or a series of poems. The was so good that I am still stunned by your words. WoW, you wrote this really good. Keep writing!!! *thumbs up*

This was really fantastic. Even though you broke your words up alot by using periods, it did not make your poem choppy. It ran together smoothly, like a thumping heart (haha i know its cheezy but its the best way i could explain it ). Anyway, there was only one error that i saw throughout the whole thing: "Ruff hands" should be "Rough hands". Other than that, this poem was perfect. Please write more, i would love to read more stuff relating to this. Keep writing!

Well, this is definitely a good little read. You have a riveting story, and tell it in a way that cause my gut to clench.

Yet, while this was an awesome piece, you did have a couple errors within it.

I wondered off

You made a slight mistake here. The correct version of the phrase is:

I wandered off

It's a very common mistake, so don't kill yourself over it.

I suggest that you change

I looked up. Afraid of seeing a mad face staring down at me.

to

I looked up, scared to see an angry face looking down at me.

Also, after Billy is introduced as the guy who gave piggyback rides, the proper word use is

used to.

Besides the aforementioned changes, this was overall a good piece.

Keep up the good work!

Wow! I am so interested! What happened? Did she die or not? Keep writing on this, please! It would be great! And if you do, let me know so that I can read more.

Please continue this! I found it very intriguing and although it worked very well as a poem, I think it would work even better as a short story or a novel. It reminds me of a mix between The Lovely Bones by Alice Sebold and The Shining. Both very creepy but very good.

-Abigail

Wow. Just wow. This was absolutely fantastic!! I really enjoyed reading it! It was very beautifully written and it was very easy to follow and know what was going on! Here's all that I found:

JustMeNathalie wrote:I was killed on October 30th, 1962. This is PERFECT! It draws the reader straight in I like it

No - no, I wasn’t. I didn’t die.

But I wish I had.

I was only seven.

My family and I were at the orchard. It was the night before Halloween.

I wondered offVery simple mistake. It should be WANDERED off instead of WONDERED off. Getting lost in the hay maze with my best friend.

We had giggled ridiculously; It should just be a comma here instead of the semi-colonas we tried to find our way out.

She decided to go the opposite direction. I continued forward.

Running.

And running.

Trying to beat her to the end.

But I ran into something. Someone.

I looked up. Afraid of seeing a mad face staring down at me. Here, this is just my opinion, I think you should have combined the two sentences making it 'I looked up, scared to find a mad face staring down at me.' or something along the lines of that xD

Instead, it was a huge goofy grin that I saw.

I smiled back at the boy I knew as Billy.

I had seen him around the neighborhood.

He gave me and my friend piggyback rides.

Use to. Here it's just another simple mistake. It should be USED to instead of USE to.

“Sorry!” my mouth exclaimed as I moved around him.

I didn’t get far.

A hand on my shoulder stopped me.

It hurt. The grip hardened as something dug itself into my back.

Screams.

Blood.

So much blood.

Screams for help.

Sobs ringing in the cold air.

Stab. Stab. Hmmm here I don't know if it would sound/look better with one or three 'stabs'... It's just that two 'stabs' make it look a little awkward... but it's your choice

Screams.

***

Soft hands gripped gently on my shoulder.

Flipping me over so I could face upward.

Sting.

Bleary sight.

Moan.

“It’s okay, Gin. I’m here now.” my big brother’s soft whispering carried worry and reassurance towards me.

His careful hands wrapped a coat around me.

Lifting.

Nauseous.

My head rolling to the side.

Moan.

Straw. Hay.

Everywhere.

Blood.

Splattered.

Soaking the hay that had been torn from the maze walls as I had struggled.

***

Screams.

Anguished screams.

My mother.

My brother’s pace fastened. Here it's another simple mistake. It should be QUICKENED instead of FASTENED. (Fastened means to clasp something like a button while quickened just means to speed up)

Though he had already been running.

“My baby!”

Mommy!

Gasps and shouts.

Strong arms.

Ruff hands.

Buttoned shirt.

Papa.

“Baby, we’ve got you. You’re safe.” he whispered.

Brother’s soothing words,

directed towards mother.

Engines.

Doors slamming.

Papa’s arms leaving me.

Giving me up to an awkward bed.

Anguished screams.

Mommy! Hmmm I think that the ending could be different... but I think it's just fine the way it is if you don't want to change it.

Overall, this was an AMAZING poem and I enjoyed reading it! It would make an awesome short story or novel if you're into that stuff! Keep writing! BRAVO

Neeey, this is sooo, sooo sad! Beautiful yet, but sad! I agree on the others, this could make a great short story! At times it actually felt more like a short story than a poem as you rather told than showed us the settings and happenings.. - So, ehm, since it's a poem I'd like for you to add some more imagery to this Anyhowss, overall this was really good And Therefore I will award you with 4/5 icky spiders

Good Luck & Keep Writing

// Demoness