A Meditation

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This is a meditation
on my bookshelf:
bloated, dusty, a monolith
of leathery pulp, dashed
in forgotten howls, dashed
in mimicked yearning,
crumbling, armoring me
in brave thoughts that amount to
nothing: a gift to
ironic hipsters.

This is a meditation
on wasted time; on
sleepless nights with less
dreams; on cum-stained sheets
and what it means, to
love, to know; this is a
monologue - because I spoke
to the mocking, starless night -
the wails of my generation answered -
affirming empathy's discretion.

This is a meditation
and this is written in the dark
on lined lined lined papers; a meditation
on the thousands of harlequin faces,
blaring, beckoning as one
from the godless tube that
reaches from the granite walls;
on catatonic incarnation;
on a hiatus from masturbation
and what it means, to love, to know.

This is a meditation
on another layer
of my papier-mache shield;
on drifting catharsis through hazy
streets that all look the same
and lead to the same;
on the day Death strips me
bare, exposing only
what I love and know: nothing
but you.
"The most incomprehensible thing about the world is that it is comprehensible." — Einstein




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Inkwell,
I hope you can appreciate the fact that I actually have no constructive criticizm for you; this was absolutely perfect. I mean, everything was perfect about this. If you want me to go into detail, your pace, your word choice, all coming together peaking into an apex such as this:

of leathery pulp, dashed
in forgotten howls, dashed
in mimicked yearning,
crumbling, armoring me


I would never be able to come up with lines like that. Keep up the great work, and sorry I really had nothing much else to say.
-Alex
Need reviews?
I'd be happy to give them.
http://www.youngwriterssociety.com/topic76104.html




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inkwell wrote:This is a meditation
on my bookshelf:
bloated, dusty, a monolith
of leathery pulp, dashed
in forgotten howls, dashed
in mimicked yearning,
crumbling, armoring me
in brave thoughts that amount to
nothing: a gift to
ironic hipsters.


List, list, list, list, list.

A kick at the end?

No, you're being lazy. Trying to be profound instead of approachable; it's not awful, but certainly not pleasing.

This is a meditation
on wasted time; on
sleepless nights with less
dreams; on cum-stained sheets
and what it means, to
love, to know; this is a
monologue - because I spoke
to the mocking, starless night -
the wails of my generation answered -
affirming empathy's discretion.


Same thing, though you've decided to open up the poem with the personal pronoun...and then you don't do it again until later. Now I would read this to see if that works, but there's too much making this a rough read stopping me from wanting to read this through. I still will though.

This is a meditation
and this is written in the dark
on lined lined lined papers; a meditation
on the thousands of harlequin faces,
blaring, beckoning as one
from the godless tube that
reaches from the granite walls;
on catatonic incarnation;
on a hiatus from masturbation
and what it means, to love, to know.


Yeah, yeah, this is some meditation. This inkwell stating and saying, and then haphazardly showing and describing.

This is a meditation
on another layer
of my papier-mache shield;
on drifting catharsis through hazy
streets that all look the same
and lead to the same;
on the day Death strips me
bare, exposing only
what I love and know: nothing
but you.


Yeah, that's not the ending I wanted to see. Your problem starts in the final two lines. Your problems then spread from there. You have too much of an idea of what you want and where you're going. Stop. The process of moving somewhere is much more important in writing. You don't need to see where, you need to see ahead and to trudge onward. People that act like they need some secret in their poetry for us to figure out...to each his own I guess, but that's the most boring poetry I ever read. It's fabricated. It's assuming it's grand and spectacular. Don't act like you're the speaker, but don't act like you're 100% dettached.




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Points 4822
Reviews 220
Hello,
This is quite a nice poem, I really quite like it. I love your repartition of 'This is a meditation' it connects the stanzas while separating them at the same time. The repartition gives it a nice stop start feeling, each stanza is both a new start and a continuation, I'm not sure if you wanted this but that is what I got from it. I felt like each stanza had a different mood and the sexuality of this poem was executed quite well it was at times well hidden and at other times obvious. In truth I don't really have much constructive criticism for you.
In general it was a awesome 'romantic' poem.

First stanza, another reviewers said it was just listing. Yes. it is listing but its awesome listing. I love how you have cut each line so it leads on to the other, leaving us hanging. I felt like you could put a full stop or comma behind 'meditation' , I'm not sure if its grammatically correct but the line has a sort of finality due to the new line there is already a pause you might as well accentuate it. Some of the phrases you used where amazing.

Second stanza. The mood is completely different the sexuality is much more overt here. I kind of got the feeling of angsty longing but the transition to 'cum-stained sheets' is a little to fast for me, this of coarse is just a personal opinion, maybe bring some sexuality to the first stanza? The voice of the narrator was quite nice here, very strong.

Third stanza, the sexuality diminishes but its still there which is good. The language here is quite different. I have noticed that you are no longer separating lines and phrases, it would be great to continue. To me each stanza is unique and different.

Forth stanza, there is a nice finality to this stanza. The themes of death etc. make it a great stanza to finish with. It was more personal and less physical and sexual than the other stanzas which I like. Personally I think its a nice way to finish the poem.

In general this is a great poem, to me anyway. The only things I can really say is that there should be more continuity between stanzas, I felt that they where different, yet similar and its not really good to sit on the fence. Mr. Mean Mustard said that there was a sort of 'secretiveness' to this poem which is true. You have hidden the longing and sexuality ( I hope its longing and sexuality) in this quite well, your poem is kind of the poem you have to read more than once.
Stay gold, Ponyboy - S.E. Hinton




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Points 1007
Reviews 6
This is a meditation on your piece. Hope it's not too harsh.

This is a meditation...
x4. I can only say "how dull". It becomes dreary and the kind of thing people think "oh not this again" of.

You went N E S W on me, too many directions. What do you want to leave me with? All of this? You're trying to do too much, or you get lost because you're infatuated with the way you tell a story. It's purple. Stick to something, don't try to tell me all these things are related...they're not. Your bookshelf has nothing to do with your nonspecific "you". Your wasted time was not wasted on your "you" because "you" is all you know and love. This was trying to be a love poem but it turned out a haphazard glue stick incident. Nothing sticks and I don't believe those things are connected.

What's more is, what in the world makes this a meditation on your bookshelf, on your wasted time, on a thousand harlequin faces, on another layer on your paper-mache shield, on your "you"? You say it's a meditation on something and then you describe that thing or elaborate with a few specifics, but you don't really meditate and you don't tell us why.

Really, this is just a collection of considerations. You consider being philosophical, you aren't. You consider your "you" but you never make "you" as the driving force behind the words opaque. You disguise it with all these other things that could make you sound philosophical if they actually had substance. I suggest you clean up the path you take. If this is about your "you", you don't need all these pointless meditations.

More than anything, I want to know what's the point of all the excess skin you gave your baby.



constant state of confuzzle
— Quillfeather