What's Forgotten

What’s Forgotten
(This is REALLY rough)

One by one
Your neighbors,
Your classmates,
Your friends,
Your family,
And the people who never saw you there
Buckle their seat belts
And close the door.

As the oxygen
And cheap light
Suffocates you,
You wander through the question:
is it me, or them that is moving?

--

You have tried to unbutton your chest
Because the skin is too tight
For the monster that beats underneath
You have tried to unclog your throat
Of the small claws that can’t decide which way to go
And You have tried to clean your ears,
Your mouth,
Your brain,
Of the oil that pollutes them
But sometimes, the passion
Isn’t there.

You drink the tea
That weighs you down,
And chew on the things you’ve forgotten.
You turn the volume up,
But it’s just sound
It can only cover your ears
Your mind.
You’re still there

--

People
Walk down the streets,
Weaving their bread crumb trails
Through malls, offices, kitchens, and schools.
So you gnaw at your mind,
Picking away at the flesh,
Chipping and peeling off memories,
Trying to remember when you forgot how to follow the path,
Or how to walk
Or dance.

Everyone you knew
Drives farther and farther away.
You wonder if they’re the only speck in the distance,
Or if you’re one, too.

Then you reach the end of the question
And you look over the edge
Just enough so you can see the answer:
i am sinking.

Its really good. But really rough. (As you said.)

Puntuations: A lot are needed. And try making some of the sentences together. For example:

As the oxygen
And cheap light
Suffocates you,

Grammer mistake.

How about: "As the oxygen and the cheap light,
Suffocate you,
..." And the poem goes on.

This way, it gives more feeling, and more place to add new sentences. Sure, you can emphaise, but not so much, because then it gets tiring.

Over all, I really liked your plot. It is true. As we grow up, we change, our taste change, and we start ignoring people at first and then we forget them. So, fits perfectly well.

Keep it up.
-JT.

Hi!

I think that this is a rather good poem. Although I'm not too sure how some of the stanzas relate to each other. Like the first two. In the first stanza, you talk about buckling seat belts and closing doors, which I presume it means that people are moving away from you (forgive me if I'm wrong) and then the second stanzas goes on about oxygen and suffocating. It might just be me, but I'm not too sure how those two relate. I think that it would be better if you make the transition smoother a little smoother by linking the topics more clearly.

Some nitpicks:

Because the skin is too tight

I would suggest putting 'your' instead of 'the' since you're writing in second person. Also because it fits better with the first line, since you mention 'you' in the first line.

And You have tried to clean your ears,

I'm sure this is just a typo, but the 'you' in there don't need to be capitalised.

You wander through the question:
is it me, or them that is moving?

I really like this part. It presents a rather puzzling question and... well, I like it.

Overall, definitely not a bad poem. Although I don't think it'll hurt if you make the transition between the stanzas a bit smoother and define the link between those a touch clearer. Other than that, this is pretty good. Keep it up!

One by one
Your neighbors,
classmates,
friends,
and family,
And people who never saw you there
Buckle their seat belts
And close the door.

As the oxygen
And cheap light
Suffocates you,
You wander overthe question: THROUGH didn't really fit...over makes it feel like the question is a bridge of something, or a cliff.
is it me, or them that is moving?

--

You have tried to unbutton your chest
Because the skin is too tight
For the monster that beats underneath
You have tried to unclog your throat
Of the small claws that can’t decide which way to go Up until here this stanza was pitch perfect.
And You have tried to clean your ears,
mouth,
and brain,
Of the oil that pollutes them oil? I don't get it...
But sometimes, the passion
Isn’t there. What passion? Passion for what?

You drink the tea
That weighs you down,
And chew on the things you’ve forgotten. Love this line.
You turn the volume up,
But it’s just sound I would stick with the "chewing". You've switched from a perfect metaphor to a another one about the same topic - memories. Am I right?
It can only cover your ears
Your mind.
But you’re still here.

--

People
Walk down the streets,
Weaving their bread crumb trails
Through malls, offices, kitchens, and schools.
So you gnaw at your mind,
Picking away at the flesh,
Chipping and peeling off memories,
Trying to remember when you forgot to follow the path,
Or walk,
Or dance.

Everyone you knew
Drives farther away.
You wonder if they’re the only speck in the distance,
Or if you’re one, too. I don't get this bit.

Then you reach the end of the question
And you look over the edge
Just enough so you can see the answer:
i am sinking. This final stanza needs fine tuning - the imagery isn't as nice as in other stanzas. Here you're telling instead of showing.

Alright - soooo I think a rewrite is necessary. But - you have the potential for an honestly great poem here. There were parts in this I loved, and other bits not so much. Get rid of the bits that bloat this baby, and keep the things that keep it alive.

Please rewrite this, I'd have a look again if you would!