Regection (contest entry)

Spoiler

Link for the contest I'm entering this in is herehttp://www.youngwriterssociety.com/contests/viewcontest.php?id=63 Please, check out the link for the contest and then see if you can guess what I am basing my poem around.

The small long, skinny object lay forlornly,
on the crisp, new sheet of paper.
Waiting to be picked up by a hand,
just waiting for someone to experience the joy.
Lying nervously waiting,
impatience a common flaw.

The scribbling flurry of a writing,
the joy that the wand knew one would experience.
The ink is a soft, royal navy blue,
simple yet so perfect at once.
Just waiting for one to capture the beauty,
that he knew one could create.

The end had several bite marks,
from the previous one, the creator.
Initials written carefully on the end,
the mark of the creator, the one that captured beauty.
Waiting for the mad scribbling,
the warm feeling of delight.

The creator enters the room,
tossing his rucksack on the floor and groaning.
"Tidy your bedroom, now,"
orders a higher pitched voice.
This is greeted by more theatrical groans,
he walks over to the desk,
excitement washes over me.

He screws up some paper and chucks it into a black basket,
his hand wavers over my head.
He picks me up curiously,
remember, creating, I pray.
He examines me and then tosses me into the bag,
I fly through the air and land dizzily between a tissue and a bit of gum.

I don't know if it's right or not but I got the feeling you're writing about a pen? And someone enjoying being creative/writing? I thought it was good, but could be a lot better. There wasn't much emotion in it, or maybe there was but I just didn't feel it.

Hm... I think, like the previous reviewer that this piece has got alot of potenital but that it misses that... touch that makes you swoon. I don't know what's missing though, maybe, if it's a pen you're writing about try expressing its feelings more than just let us follow through a certain event. Also, you've written the entire poem as if though the pen (or feather or whatever it is) has been spoken of in third person but then at the last line you write in first person;

"I fly through the air and land dizzily between a tissue and a bit of gum."

Also, the flow was a bit choppy at times, probably because of the different amount of length at each line.

Overall... I like what your trying to say, and it's got loads of potential, just... try blow some emotion into it!

Good Luck & Keep Writing

// Demoness

I came second in the contest that I entered this in!