Puppy Love

Hey everyone! I had to write this for school last month and I'm pretty proud of it so I wanted to enter it in a contest so I hope you like my story!

I walked into the classroom and sat down at the same chair I always sit in. Then Adam walked in and sat in the desk next to me. I tried not to turn and look directly at him but I watched him out of the corner of my eye. The bell rang and Mr.s Discala, my third grade teacher, talked on and on and I tried to listen to her boring story about math. I tried hard in order not to get into trouble, but I always watched him out of the corner of my eye. I wonder if he notices. I wonder if he's doing the same thing. Maybe he likes me. We talk sometimes.
We played a game with flash cards and then Mrs. Discala suddenly said somethings I was interested in. "Everyone pair up and work on the homework."
Then someone tapped my desk. I turned to my right as Adam asked me, "Want to work with me Bella?"
"Okay," I blurted excitedly. Of course I wanted to work with him.
He scooted his chair next to mine and we started working on our homework. "This is very boring,"he complained.
"I know but let's just hurry up and finish," I told him. Maybe that wasn't such a good idea I don't want him to move away from me when we're done with this.
We continued doing our math homework until we got stuck on a problem. I sat there clicking my pen and thinking. All of a sudden he snatched the pen out of my hands.
"Hey! Adam, come on," I whined.
"Stop clicking it then," he said and stuck his tongue out at me.
"Come on Adam," I whined again and tried to take it back.
All he did was put it above his head which forced me to have to grab his arm. Not that I minded that. I pulled his arm down and grabbed my pen from his hand. I stuck my tongue out at him and he stuck his out at me too. We both laughed and continued to do our work.
"Hey Bella what are you doing at recess?" he asked me bumping my knee with his. Wait a minute did he do that on purpose? Probably not. Well maybe he did.
"I don't know," I said looking hopefully into his eyes. Adam has very nice green eyes and straight, shaggy brown hair. I like that a lot.
"Want to play with me today?" he asked.
"Yeah," I said excitedly.
"I like you a lot Bella," he told me as he bumped my knee again. This time it had to be on purpose. That's what I've been waiting to here for forever. I bet he's the love of my life.
"I like you too Adam," I smiled at him.
We finished our homework with hardly any time before the bell rang. I got my lunch out of my cubby and excitedly skipped to lunch. I told all my friends what happened with a big grin on my face.
When the bell rang I went to the door to go outside for recess where Adam was waiting and he took my hand as we walked onto the playground.

Okay.

I like the idea that they're in third grade - I was guessing high school from the title and the description and the style of writing, so then when Bella said, "my third grade teacher," I just had to laugh. I think writing a "love story" about two third graders is an awesome idea.

Now, to make this work, though, you have to write as if you are a third grader. Sometimes you manage to do that really well - like, Adam says he likes her and wants to play with her, and that makes her think he's probably the love of her life. Little kids don't really understand yet how complicated love and relationships are, so this makes sense to me. Also, Adam stealing her pen is a classic symptom of a third-grade boy "in love," since boys of that age generally tease or are mean to girls they like. (Cute to us older ones, but irritating at the time, eh?)

However, like I said - at first I thought this was a high schooler narrating. If Bella is fifteen now and just looking back on a grade school crush, that's fine, but I don't think that's what you were going for. Her thoughts to need to be a little less cohesive. Children tend to ramble and get distracted, they fly from one thought to the next, and they also don't understand a lot of what they talk about - they'll repeat things they've heard adults say (or think they've heard adults say, like "idol" becomes "eye doll") without really knowing what they mean. (All just part of the learning process.) A good book to read for reference is "Poisonwood Bible" by Barbara Kingsolver. Her character, Ruth May, is five, so all her chapters are written in the perspective of a five-year-old.

Some examples of stuff you don't really want:

" "Sure Adam." I tried to say it as casually as possible although the words had just blurted out of my mouth. Of course I wanted to work with him." A child would probably not "try to say it as casually as possible" - they wouldn't think to. An eight-year-old child might be shy about this, or excited, or she might actually think he's gross and not want to work with him, but she would not think to try to sound casual. These are things you learn to do more in middle school. Also, I think a third-grader would probably be less sedate about her crush. She might giggle more, talk about it all the time to her friends, slip him a valentine, try to talk to him all the time, chase him around the playground trying to get him to kiss her, etc. On the other hand, a third-grade boy would tease more, pull her hair a bit more, steal her things... Maybe they'd play house together and end up sharing a peck on the lips (that's how my youngest sister got her first kiss). Plus, yes, kids may not usually like math, but generally elementary school kids are more excited about school than older kids are, and for math they're teacher would probably have them do some sort of fun activity with blocks or something, if she wanted them to work together.

I love the idea of this - you just have to get a handle on how kids act.

As for the title...I wish I could give you a better suggestion, but I've been really bad with titles lately. Sorry...

Anyway, I hope this helped!

~Blue

No, don't change the title. I think it is so cute. I think this story is so cute, the title fits it. You have a few spelling errors though but it can be fixed.

This is a really cute story. To me it somehow seems to tell a lot with so little words.I think maybe you could have used a little more detail like maybe go into depth of the conversation with her friends, but I really did like your story. It was cute and I think it perfectly explains puppy love at such a young age. I also like how you made the story 3rd graders because kids at the age don't know that much but if they know one thing it's that they like each other. I hope you do more great stories because this was great.

I agree, don't change the title!! Your title is what inspired me to read this in the first place. When I read this, I somehow missed the third grade part, so I had no clue how old they were supposed to be until I read the other comments. Anyway, I think they sound older, more like fifth graders. So, you really should try and find some way to add a few details about how young they are. Like the first person said, you could make her thoughts more distracted and changing. Also, in elementary, when a guy likes someone, they almost always are super mean to the girl. So the pen was a good touch, but you could add some more. Maybe when he asks her to play he does it almost rudely? And, you do have some typos, and in the beginning there are some frases that just sound out of place. Just read this out loud once or twice, and you will be able to fix up the mistakes. But, all in all, cute story! Good job!

Awh, they're in third grade!
So, yeah, I'm not American, I have no idea how young they are (or not young), but from the way she narrates and speaks, I'm guessing about 7-8?
I like the characters. Especially Bella. I also like how they act with each other. They're adorable! I love the clicky pen part.

Also, great idea with the third-gradey-ness. I like it, it made me really interested, because I like reading things that are different.

All I have that is a tad negative, is there were a couple errors in the grammar and such. Not a big deal, just tiny little things which aren't noticeable.

I really liked this

Good Day !

I like the idea of innocence of these two cute little kids. What a puppy love! Anyway I think the girl is too matured to think for a third grader but I hope you did it with purpose. Another one is that, it was short detailed, I dont know why but I felt that something was missing or maybe it was just the effect of a very short short story well that was just for me haha.

Some typos asnd misspelled words but its ok... I love the IDEA anyway continue writing !

Holy crap! My name is actually Adam, so this is a massive coincidence. Aww, this is really sweet. You should continue it. It would make a great romantic novel. Yeah, I would say try to go into more detail with the conversations between her and her friends. Other than that, really sweet. You have made all Adams in the world happy, including me

Heya

That was so cute, it gave me a really nice warm feeling! Anyway, You're probably aware by now, as everyone else has said it but, yes there are a few grammatical errors, but apart from that It's really good, I like the style in which you've written it.
Also, I really like the title, it really gives off an innocent.. well puppy love!

Aw, this is so cute! I like it! I think, though, that you should've worked on making them sound more like the eight-year-olds they are. I assumed at the beginning that they were high-schoolers for a bit. I do like how essentially simple the plot was, and it was really sweet and believable. Your only problem was the dialogue, which I already mentioned. Keep up the good work, you're great!

This kind of romance is new for me. Very unique. In fact, I can see no fault in here. Good work! I like it, it adds uniqueness to love story this days when love story is nothing about teenagers and vampires.