Penny Lane

I love to walk down Penny Lane
Because I enjoy the pain
Of seeing you walk by with
a distant hate, like a dead mate.
On the sidewalk I stop dead
As you walk towards me
blonde and blue,
you walk right through me
I am a ghost to you.

Echoes in the pavement.
Dream of a single moment
When we used to talk
I, in-step with your walk.
You were my friend and I saw
a soul in your awry smile.
Over a coffee in a cafe
Together for a little while.

I was too mean, with a heart
Unclean. You saw
What I tried not to see in myself.
The shame and the glory
That could send me to hell.
I begged you to look closer and
See something else.
A lover, a friend, an angel from hell.

I am unholy, that is the way that God
made me. I was hoping that you
Were the Jesus to save me.
I could sit with you as we
Brew over coffee, talk like a man
I didn't cry when you shot me
Down in the gutter you walked by
and you left me.

The first thing I noticed was that you start out with the narrator on the bus and then, for some reason, a couple lines later he seems to be on the sidewalk. I like the, kind of ambiguity in the line, "You walk right through me, I am a ghost to you," because it leaves it open to the reader to decide whether or not he is a literal ghost or whether he is simply figuratively dead to the girl in question. The next three lines, "Echoes in the pavement. Dream of a single moment when we used to talk," were probably the strongest in this poem to me. I think, perhaps, some different vocabulary could make this a little stronger-- I'm not saying bigger words, because those don't always have the best impact, but a stronger word than mean. If that made any sense. I was a little confused at the ending because it seemed sort of abrupt and left me hanging a bit, so perhaps there should be some sort of a gradual build-up to that?

Oh no, haha it says I get the bus to Penny Lane, I'm not actually on the bus as the poem progresses. I'm on Penny Lane. Thanks for your review!! I'm glad you liked those lines

Spoiler

(before I review, I just wanted to say, that even though when you think about it, you are not ON the bus, it's not very obvious to some people, I would suggest changing it to make it more obvious. Maybe you shouldn't mention the bus at all, because after that line,you just walk along penny lane, it might avoid confusion for some people. Perhaps 'I walk along Penny Lane' instead. Oh, I don't know o.o I got it.

Here to Bamboozle you! ^_^

First off, this poem in all it's simplicity and beauty, was brilliant, really, I loved it. It was bitter and cynical in a way, but then kind of sad and romantic too...

The only thing I would suggest you look at is the rhyme scheme, choose one and stick to it. Just to show you where you're going wrong, I'll show you the pattern.

A,
A,
B,
C,
D(but the words hate and mate in this line rhyme),
E,
F,
E,
F

A,
A,
B,
B,
C,
E,
D,
E

And then you go on to have no rhyme at all, but I think if you sorted your structure/layout there would be some in-line rhymes...

Favourite line:

popatemyheart1994 wrote:Echoes in the pavement.
Dream of a single moment

Line that could do with some work:

popatemyheart1994 wrote:a distant hate, like a dead mate.

Keep up the writing,

~Tinkem

Wow, in some way I feel I can relate to this all too well. This was very moving to me somehow. The flow was excellent. Not too difficult to interpret. The metaphor was good as well.