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You say that I don’t lie,
But can’t you see?

I’m innocent you say,
But I just don’t care.

You are the one who, you think,
I’m worried about;
Can’t you see that I’m scared,
For me…

I’m alone in this;
You can’t see me,
All you see is a good, innocent, naïve, girl.

I’m ready to scream,
Maybe cry;
I really can’t tell.

You play a different part for everyone,
I play one part for all.

I’m hiding beneath this smile.
On the out side, I’m fine,
Inside, I’m scared, confused, and alone.

I’m here child, cry into my shoulder. I love you and can hold you. I’ll hold you and never ever ever let go. I'll be here for you.

I like that. I love you God.

I love you too child. More than you can ever imagine.

Hey! JaneAusten fan? =) I thought this poem was really good. You put a lot of feeling in which is great because thats what poetry is about =D I like the last three lines, it makes you happy where before the poem was sad. Actually I find nothing wrong with it at all =3 I think a lot of people will relate to it. Hahaha I think its great =D Keep me posted on more of your works =)

Yes! Amen. This reminds me SO much of my poem. Seriously. It really does. It's talking about a mask that you both put on. Although your mask stays the same everywhere.

JaneAusten wrote:I’m here child, cry into my shoulder. I love you and can hold you. I’ll hold you and never ever ever let go. I'll be here for you

Best part, by far!

JaneAusten wrote:You say that I don’t lie,
But can’t you see.

Maybe put a question mark instead of a period after this. It's a question.

JaneAusten wrote:You are the one who,
You think, I’m worried about.

These two lines took me a while to understand what you were meaning. But, I understand what it's saying now. So, I think you might want to reword this so that the reader can understand what you are saying much faster.

JaneAusten wrote:Can’t you see that I’m scared,
For me…

Wonderful line!!!!

JaneAusten wrote:I’m alone in this,
You can’t see me,

I think a period might be better for both of these, or a semicolon, instead of a comma.

JaneAusten wrote:I’ll like that.

I kind of stopped after this sentence, and was wondering. Now, umm, what? haha.
I think it might be better if you said...
"I like that."
But, I'm not sure if that's what you mean. Correct me if I'm wrong please.

Overall, this poem is GREAT!!!!!!!!! LOVED IT!! loved it loved it. I am so excited that you could express your feelings through poetry. You did a fabulous job, and keep it up! I would love to hear more of your great work.

I love this. It's so in depth, and it really talks about a relationship with God. He always loves us and is there for us, no matter what. Great job!!

Hi there JaneAusten. Nice username by the way Now let's get to the review part.

A) Stay away from stops. I noticed that you used a lot of periods, and that really makes everything choppy. Poems are supposed to be fluid, unless otherwise specified. Usually poems take up the use of the comma (,), the semi-colon (;) and ellipses (...) among others. You've inserted periods where perhaps some other, less STOP types of punctuation.



I found one:

All you see is a “good, innocent, naïve, girl”.

The quotation marks make this piece seem more like a PhD paper than a light poem.

Yours,
Lavvi

nice poem!!! you should consider to take out the comma's in the last sentence:

I’m alone in this;You can’t see me,
All you see is a “good, innocent, naïve, girl”.

I love how it starts so sad and then ends so great and happy!
nice work!!
qara

Everything I noticed was pretty much cleared up. Other than that you are really good at the soft touchy sorts of poems if that is what you were aiming for. Nice job, great job, awesome job. Keep writing, and I also love your enthusiasm for God!!!!

This is really good!

You are the one who, you think,
I'm worried about;
Can't you see that I'm scared,
For me...

I'm just a little confused here. I don't understand who "you" is. I'm guessing at that point you are not talking about God, but I don't know who.

You play a different part for everyone,
I play one part for all.

This part also didn't make sense to me...

I'm hiding beneath this smile.
On the out side, I'm fine,
Inside, I'm scared, confused, and alone.

I love this part, and I think a lot of people can relate to hiding behind a mask of happiness. I know at least I can. It's so easy to put on a smile.

I'm here child, cry into my shoulder. I love you and can hold you. I'll hold you and never ever ever let go.

I'll be here for you. I think this should have been broken down into separate lines.I like that. I love you God. Comma before God. I love you too child. More than you can ever imagine. Great way to end it! Great poem, great message!