Shattered Shards of a Broken Girl

This broken girl
Just trying to find
Her place in this world
I see her there everyday
Walking with her head down
Hiding not her smile
But instead a frown
I know she needs help
I try to tell her
"You're not alone"
Hoping to see her
But she screams
"You don't know me!"
I don't, she's right
But I know she won't
Sleep tonight
Easy to tell from the
Dark circles under her eyes
Under her breath she says
"I just want to die..."
She needs help
She's in pain
But all I know about her
Is her name

The cuts on her wrists
She can no longer hide
Getting deeper and deeper
They scream suicide
I worry one day
Ill find that she died
With an empty bottle of pills
And a knife by her side

I need to help her
Before it too late
Show her she's not
Subject to this fate
Tell her she can pull through
But she screams
"I don't even know you!"

Eyes lost in tears mist
She swings at me
Hands balled in a fist
Glass shatters
Shards in my hand
...Mirrors in my room
Really should be banned

In the shattered shards

I see a broken girl
Just trying to find
Her place in this broken world

Great poem. I'm going to recommend this to my friend, because this really relates to her and I think this can help through some of her problems. Thanks a lot for writing this! Please keep writing more.

Amboskeewatt wrote:This broken girl
Just trying to find
Her place in this world
I see her there everyday
Walking with her head down
Hiding not her smile
But instead a frown
I know she needs help
I try to tell her
"You're not alone"
Hoping to see her
But she screams
"You don't know me!"
I don't, she's right
But I know she won't
Sleep tonight
Easy to tell from the
Dark circles under her eyes
Under her breath she says
"I just want to die..."
She needs help
She's in pain
But all I know about her
Is her name

The cuts on her wrists
She can no longer hide
Getting deeper and deeper
They scream suicide
I worry one day
Ill find that she died
With an empty bottle of pills
And a knife by her side

I need to help her
Before it too late
Show her she's not
Subject to this fate
Tell her she can pull through
But she screams
"I don't even know you!"

Eyes lost in tears mist
She swings at me
Hands balled in a fist
Glass shatters
Shards in my hand
...Mirrors in my room
Really should be banned

In the shattered shards

I see a broken girl
Just trying to find
Her place in this broken world

This has many punctuation errors. I'ma fix it for you:

ToKillAMockingjay wrote:This broken girl
Just trying to find
Her place in this world.
I see her there everyday,
Walking with her head down.
Hiding not her smile,
But instead a frown.

I know she needs help,
I try to tell her.
"You're not alone"
Hoping to see her.
But she screams,
"You don't know me!"
I don't, she's right.

But I know she won't,
Sleep tonight.
Easy to tell from the
Dark circles under her eyes.

Under her breath she says,
"I just want to die..."
She needs help,
She's in pain.
But all I know about her
Is her name.

The cuts on her wrists
She can no longer hide.
Getting deeper and deeper ,
They scream suicide.

I worry one day
I'll find that she died.
With an empty bottle of pills,
And a knife by her side.

I need to help her,
Before it too late.
Show her she's not,
Subject to this fate

Tell her she can pull through.
But she screams,
"I don't even know you!"

Eyes lost in tears mist,
She swings at me
Hands balled in a fist.

Glass shatters,
Shards in my hand.
Mirrors in my room
Really should be banned

In the shattered shards,
I see a broken girl.
Just trying to find
Her place in this broken world.

I liked the poem! Just fix it the way I did, and it'll be perfect.

- Ariel<3

This is a really great poem. These are the only things I saw:

Before it's too late
Hands balled into a fists

Great job!

This broken girl
Just trying to find
Her place in this world
I see her there everyday Okay, so this part through me for a loop because of lack of punctuation. At first it had an okay flow, but then that came to a sudden stop because of the run-on. Breaking this into stanzas would also help.
Walking with her head down
Hiding not her smile
But instead a frown
I know she needs help
I try to tell her
"You're not alone"
Hoping to see her
But she screams
"You don't know me!"
I don't, she's right
But I know she won't
Sleep tonight
Easy to tell from the
Dark circles under her eyes
Under her breath she says
"I just want to die..."
She needs help
She's in pain
But all I know about her
Is her name Where did the rhyme scheme come from? It actually works better than the free-verse in this case, I feel. But you have to make the consistent decision, it cannot be half and half!

The cuts on her wrists
She can no longer hide Ugh, a little overworked.
Getting deeper and deeper
They scream suicide
I worry one day
Ill find that she died
With an empty bottle of pills
And a knife by her side

I need to help her
Before it's too late
Show her she's not
Subject to this fate Lost the rhythm on these lines.
Tell her she can pull through
But she screams
"I don't even know you!"

Eyes lost in tears mist
She swings at me
Hands balled in a fist
Glass shatters
Shards in my hand
...Mirrors in my room
Really should be banned

In the shattered shards

I see a broken girl
Just trying to find
Her place in this broken world

So I liked the end more than I liked the beginning. I feel like you found what you were trying to say once you started rhyming, and that's where the poem took off. Before that it was just a little dry and bland. If you ask me, you should sort of scrap this and rewrite it with the same concept and some of the same lines, but finding a new beginning for this.
Keep writing,
StoryWeaver