Patio - HayesTheHayes

I'm not sure I want to keep this title of "Patio";
By Hiadel, HayesTheHayes



Come out to the light
I swear we will not fight

There on the patio
Smoking your last breath
Kissing a cigarette

Looking for a fire
In search of high desire

Out there in the dark
Dancing naked all alone
Can I join you?

This was very raw and free flowing and I think i like it that way. Nothing fancy but it still has an effect. The rhyme is a bit off but reading it aloud really helps. Not sure why you dropped the rhyme altogether in the last stanza as i was quite enjoying it. Still, regardless it was a good poem and an enjoyable read.

Veritas

Nice. I like how straightforward and to the point this is! I found it interesting that you dropped the rhyme scheme in the final stanza - whether it was intended to have this effect or not, I thought it truly complimented the change in tone at the end.

I agree with Legolas, or Veritas. I think that the first two lines of the last stanza should rhyme.

Hiadel wrote:Out there in the dark
Dancing naked all alone
Can I join you?

You could always do

Out there in the dark
Dancing all alone stark
naked. Can I join you?

That is a weird place to put the word naked, but the last line is so enticing that I think it would be cool if it was the only line that didn't rhyme instead of the entire last stanza not rhyming.
Besides that, it was a neat little poem with good imagery, a nice rhyme and a dark but playful mood to it. Great job.

I don't get every single line that I read in this but the message is overall clear. You have
good beat and style that works great. I like the last three lines too. I can picture it in my head. It makes
me think of two people in a relationship and they were in a fight. After they have had time apart she is
asking him to give it another try. To make things better again. Making up is always the best part of fighting. Good job