Four Walls... Four Walls...

4 posts

Did you Like it?

Yes
4
80%
No
1
20%
 
Total votes : 5


Random avatar
Gender Male
Points 1050
Reviews 6
I sit, the middle being my friend.

Four walls, four walls, and they speak,

saying I’m trapped saying I wont breath.

Their eyes! They grow, they pierce,

they read my very lips that crave freedom!

Four walls! Four walls!

Your outstretched arms pour out

stitched dementia that craves me…

But I’m content for just a second

as I take a mere look at the door…

Four walls! Four walls!

Don’t consume the door!

Don’t talk to me! Don’t kill me!

Leave me… Leave me!

Four walls! Four walls!

Your hands abuse my being,

your words are muted by nothingness…

Four walls… entrapped by you

is the destiny that consumes me…

Freedom is the myth that keeps me living,

freedom is the desire that hooks me

to the fabric that will destroy the boundaries

of inequality and numbness.

I wish, I just wish, that the fabric

would tear down the four walls

that mute the thoughts of change…
MBK




User avatar
Gender Male
Points 625
Reviews 286
This isn't too bad, it's emotional and what not.

My problems with this is that there's no imagery.
[quote]If it's arguable, then it probably is." - Xeriana X

Link to my will review for food thread: topic71713.html




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 5736
Reviews 84
I sit, the middle being my friend.

Four walls, four walls,

this should be a different lineand they speak,

saying I’m trapped,

this should be a different linesaying I wont breath.

Their eyes!

New lineThey grow, they pierce,

they read my very lips,

New line that crave freedom!

Four walls! Four walls!

Your outstretched arms pour out

stitched dementia that craves me…

But I’m content for just a second

as I take a mere look at the door…

Four walls! Four walls!

Don’t consume the door!

Don’t talk to me! Don’t kill me!

Leave me… Leave me!

Four walls! Four walls!

Your hands abuse my being,

your words are muted by nothingness…

Four walls…entrapped by you

is the destiny

New line that consumes me…

Freedom is the myth

New line that keeps me living,

freedom is the desire

New linethat hooks me

to the fabric that will destroy the boundaries

of inequality and numbness.

I wish, I just wish, that the fabric

would tear down the four walls

that mute the thoughts of change…


Overall this was pretty good, and it has a really good voice. I like it. Keep up the good work!
Live, Love, Laugh




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 20503
Reviews 370
Ellipses.
I don't know what their purpose is as a punctuation, but I don't appreciate them. Please eliminate them from your poem.
Mikkiestash wrote:stitched dementia that craves me…

Here it kind of makes sense to have an ellipses, because I see the paused, drifting effect.
Mikkiestash wrote:as I take a mere look at the door…

Comma.
Mikkiestash wrote:Four walls… entrapped by you

Comma or dash.
Mikkiestash wrote:Leave me… Leave me!

Period or exclamation point or even a comma.
Mikkiestash wrote:your words are muted by nothingness…

Period. there is nothing drifty about that, that is a complete sentence
Mikkiestash wrote:Four walls… entrapped by you

Semicolon or comma or period.
Mikkiestash wrote:is the destiny that consumes me…

This whole phrase is kind of weird; I say turn it into a functioning sentence and change that ellipses to a period.
Mikkiestash wrote:that mute the thoughts of change…

Anything; a picture of your dog. An emoticon. Anything but an ellipses, dear lord please.
And in your title!? I'm going to be honest, that was a pretty solid little poem but between the ellipses in the title and the poll at the beginning; I'd seen this poem a few times but never bothered to read it. We all judge books by their titles and covers and we certainly judge poems by their use of ellipses.
And after all that, I think you could amp up the crazy a little bit. I'm sensing a little Poe here, a little bit of that delusion being projected unto inatimate objects, but if you could descend into full fledged hysteria, I think it would do wonders for this poem.
Naked I came from my mother's womb, and naked I will depart.
*Le Bible
Royal Reviews Here!



*Sad football bagpipes*
— DougalOfBiscuits