Kyle

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Kyle

The music sounds and the dancers prepare. I stand in the corner alone as the first measure plays. I watch, envious, as my friend dances away with the man of her dreams in the dimmed light.

“Would you like to dance?” I hear a voice behind me. I turn, and in the semi-darkness, his blue eyes twinkle. I nod slowly and take his offered hand. He brings me to the center of the dance floor and bows like a gentlemen. I smile as I curtsey and put my hand on his shoulder. He waits a moment for the beat of the song before beginning to sway me.

“What’s your name?” he asks in a kind voice.

I look away from his face down at my feet. “Nella, short for Janelle,” I say as I look back up to his eyes. “What’s yours?” My voice barely carries over the sound of the slow music.

“I’m Kyle,” he says shortly. Kyle continues to sway me for a moment while he looks around at the other dance. He smiles mischievously and leans forward to whisper in my ear. “Do you want to make all the other dancers jealous?” he asks. I think of my friend and her partner. I would love to, only one problem.

I shake my head. “I can’t dance very well,” I say quietly.

Kyle smiles. “Then I’ll dance for you,” he says. He takes my hands and twists them over my head. I somehow end up facing the opposite direction with my arms crossed in front of my chest. We sway for a second before he lets go of one hand and spins me out. He pulls me back in slowly and once again he is holding me closely.

“Let the music flow through you,” he whispers. And, I do. The music picks up speed and Kyle moves me to match it, using methods from every type of dance I can think of. Once or twice he picks me up. We spin on the dance floor, pushing many couples to the side. I twirl and Kyle spins until the song ends abruptly.

We stop and look at each other breathless. I am leaning on one foot, the other in the air, Kyle holding me by my back, our faces so close. We look at each other for a moment or two while the next song begins to play. Kyle blinks and pulls me back up into a standing position.

“Thank you for dancing with me,” he says quietly, his hands resting on my hips.

I smile. “No, thank you,” I say. I want to keep talking, and to keep dancing, but my eyes dart behind Kyle. The entire room is looking at us. I drop my arms and turn to leave. I walk away only a few steps. But then my hand is caught. I turn to talk to Kyle, but my lips are suddenly caught.

I open my eyes wide to see Kyle’s face. His breath fells warm across my cheek and neck. His hand leaves mine as he gently reaches up and brushes the hair away from my face. I stand frozen for a moment before my hands reach up to his face. We pull away and smile.

“Just in case I never see you again,” he says with a laugh.

I shake my head. “No, I’ll be back next month.”

Kyle nods. “Then I’ll be here too.”

I smile and drop my hands. I turn and walk back to my friend who stares at me in shock, her mouth wide open.

“Are you ready to go?” I ask, ignoring her look. She nods slowly and follows me out. I look, one last time to Kyle, who smiles, before I leave. Until next month, I think as I turn and leave.
Last edited by VuzzyCat on Mon Jul 25, 2011 9:44 pm, edited 1 time in total.
I'm the author of my own life. Unfortunately I'm writing in pen. Mistakes I make can not be erased, the only option is to turn the page and start a new chapter. <3

I'm single because God is busy writing the best love story.
<3 VuzzyCat




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That was beautiful and mesmerizing. It was poetic and melodious. I myself am not a good dancer, so I usually love these situations when a not-so-good dancer wins over a good dancer. :-P And what made the write-up more attractive was the sentence construction. Short and brief sentences always make the writing more interesting. Good work.
Imperfection is beauty,
Madness is genius,
And it's better to be absolutely ridiculous
Than to be absolutely boring... :-D




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Hai!

I didn’t like this that much; not just because I’m not keen on romance, but because—well, because nothing much happened. I wasn’t expecting car-chases and sudden development of super-powers (though that would have been nice), but all that happened was: girl is at dance, girl meets guy, girl and guy dance, girl and guy manage to stun everyone with their mad dancing skillz even though girl’s lack of dancing ability should have meant she falls flat on her face, girl makes to leave, guy kisses her, girl and guy promise to meet again.

On reflection, I like the ending. The ambiguity was realistic, and the vague promise of meeting again next month which they may or may not keep set up a kind of uneasy conflict that stopped it from being too mawkish.

It’s just that nothing much happened before that. I would have liked a bit more development, the examination of a theme or something—something for me to take away afterwards to think about by myself, you know?

Some of your wording could be improved as well.


I watch, envious, as my friend dances away with the man of her dreams in the dimmed light.

This isn’t very emotional, and “man of her dreams” is a cliché.

I turn, and in the semi-darkness, his blue eyes twinkle.

Really not a fan of twinkling eyes, and if it’s dark, how can she see what colour his eyes are anyway?

He brings me to the center of the dance floor and bows like a gentlemen. I smile as I curtsey and put my hand on his shoulder.

I found this phrase a bit odd. She doesn’t describe herself as “like a lady” when she curtseys to him.
“What’s you name?” he asks in a kind voice.

Typo: you = your. Saying “in a kind voice” makes him a little patronising, imho.

“I’m Kyle,” he says shortly.

Now he sounds cross.

“Then I’ll dance for you,” he says. He takes my hands and twists them over my head. I somehow end up facing the opposite direction with my arms crossed in front of my chest. We sway for a second before he lets go of one hand and spins me out. He pulls me back in slowly and once again he is holding me closely.

This could be why the rest of the narrative feels a little bland. All your sentences are the same; same length, same structure. Try and mix it up.

“Let the music flow through you,” he whispers.

How, exactly, does one let flowing music completely compensate for lack of dancing skill?

We spin on the dance floor, pushing many couples to the side.

Man, that would annoy me so much...

I smile and drop my hands. I turn and walk back to my friend who stares at me in shock, her mouth wide open.
“Are you ready to go?” I ask, ignoring her look. She nods slowly and follows me out. I look, one last time to Kyle, who smiles, before I leave. Until next month, I think as I turn and leave.


There’s another song going on though—why doesn’t she stay and dance some more?

-

I hope this helped you! As I said, I don’t really like romance, so I’m bound to be overly critical, but I hope some of what I said was halfway useful. PM me if you have any questions.
"TV makes sense. It has logic, structure, rules, and likeable leading men. In life, we have this. We have you." -Abed Nadir




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Hi, VuzzyCat!

Aw, this was sweet. You obviously have a way with words. I kind of liked how we're thrown in the middle of the scene, without unnecessary explanations about where they are and why they are there. This all felt realistic and believable, and your use of "body language" and expressions shows that you can see what you write - what the characters do and how they look when they do it. It's good, because when the author sees their text, it's much easier for the reader to be able to see it, too.

I can't bring myself to find any particular problems with this, other than the fact this is very short, and it's more like a singular scene rather than a whole story. However, I think you executed it well, and everything doesn't always have to be serious or have a deeper meaning. This is a light-hearted story about two people meeting and apparently impressing each other, and I'm fine with that. Short experiments like this one are good for keeping up writing, if one doesn't have any useful ideas that would make a good long story.

See you around!


Demeter
x
"Your jokes are scarier than your earrings." -Twit

"14. Pretend like you would want him even if he wasn't a prince. (Yeah, right.)" -How to Make a Guy Like You - Disney Princess Style

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Hello! I'm Born, and I'll be reviewer for today. (:
First off, NAAAW! The cuteness factor has flown through the roof. <3 I could really feel the emotion in this very well. The feeling of being swept off your feet by a stranger, literally.

His breath fells warm across my cheek and neck.

*feels, I'm assuming this is meant to be

I shake my head. “No, I’ll be back next month.”

Next month?! Why, I ask, would someone say that? Now, I'm not trying to be mean. I'm getting the idea that you're going for a cute, we'll see where fate takes us, kind of thing. Like, will we meet again in a month? Y'know, mysterious. But, if you met some hunk of a guy at a club, would you let him slip away? I sure wouldn't. It just seems more realistic if she gave him her number, or something. (:

“I’m Kyle,” he says shortly.

This makes him sound as though he is angry. Do you mean, ""I'm Kyle," he said, soon after" ? Shortly being 'soon after.' If so, you'll have to change that. Because when one says "shortly", it usually means that he's snapped, said it fast, angry, upset..etc.

I hope I have helped! If you need anything else, don't be afraid to ask.
Born. :D
:D



I wish literally anything else I ever said made it into the quote generator.
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