Thine Eyes

Spoiler

A very old poem of mine from when I was 15, a tribute to the passage Song of Solomon, possibly the most breathtaking lines of prose within the Bible.

In thine eyes I see a swirling ocean.

Deep pools of ambrosia,

gathering by my waist,

swallowing me in their path.



From thy lips I taste divinity.

The goddess beauty

glorified by Apollo's rays.

Ravager of mankind.



Thy breasts be as pillows.

Thy skin of spun silk.

Thy breath, the word of God;

through it passes the life of being.



In thine eyes I see the window to your soul,

a blazing ember of light,

golden as the gates of Eden.

The purity of thy love.

Oh gosh...

Which was my first thought just when I saw the title of this, so then of course I had to read it...and sorry, I hope you won't take any offense, but after all your story-writing kick-butt awesomeness, I have to say that this made me laugh a little. o.0

Quite a bit of this was bordering on cliched, although probably you meant to make it more of an old-timey Romantic poem. But...ambrosia? And...divinity? And..."the goddess beauty?" And I know you could come up with a comparison more original than breasts=pillows.

There were a few things I really liked:

The line "ravager of mankind," although it doesn't work by itself - consider a comma at the end of the previous line, rather than a period, and that should fix it. I like "thy breath, the word of God;" I feel like that's a bit more original of a comparison than "thy breasts be as pillows." Most romantic poets didn't go quite that far just about their lovers' breath, so well done there.

I also think the last stanza is good - again, more original than the rest of the poem, and some nice imagery. I love "a blazing ember of light," not just for the imagery but the way it sounds.

But the first three stanzas, especially the second and third, I think need to be reworked. You are a really original and talented writer, so I know you can come up with something more your own and more surprising and more new than this. Sorry if I sound harsh, but now I understand better how my creative writing professor felt when he said more or less the same thing to our class when we got into poetry, after he'd gotten to read our (generally much better) fiction and creative nonfiction.

Revise and let me know so I can read it again!!!

~Blue

I loved your poem, it flowed very beautifully. Sorry I can't really help much with this because I am not very good at poetry (even though I write a lot of it, I'm not good at revising and editing other people's poetry. I loved the old fashioned writing of it, and I want to see MANY more poems that you write

Hello,
I feel like this poem is a little schizophrenic. I love what you're doing with the metaphors but if you kept it with one theme, either biblical or Greek-themed, I think it would strengthen the imagery throughout.
And I think you should go with the Biblical theme, because the Greek-themed metaphors aren't working for me.

mikepyro wrote:Ravager of mankind.

This line was beautiful; but I think it would be even better if it was likened to the person you're writing the poem to, not to Apollo.
I honestly think this poem needs a major rewrite. I think if you focused on the Biblical things, you can pull from Samson and Delilah, you can pull from the classic Adam and Eve, you can speak of the Virgin Mary.

mikepyro wrote:Thy breath, the word of God;
through it passes the life of being.

This line is gorgeous and has great potential.
I think if you can take this idea and work off of it, you can do something fantastic with this poem. As it is, the images and ideas are a tad hackneyed, as someone above said. But don't despair, sometimes you just need to re-evaluate.
Best of luck to you.