Hole in the Heart

Ok... I had this spaced really cool in the shape of a heart with a hole in the middle of it... but obviously it didn't work. Hope you can enjoy the words though. It looked so much cooler with the spacing though!!!!! Gah... this makes me mad.


Hole in the Heart

Two lovers’
Minds converge joining as one
Hearts speak in one understood language of love
They writhe in pain together upon discovering a flaw
A life flaw both share both bring together
It appears as a hole as an empty space
A clear and gaping space in the heart
And in the mind, tearing apart more
Each added day that it is ignored
Gushing more blood and gore
Not of flesh but of feeling
Its need of healing
Calls out but it is
Ignored
Once
Mo-
re

Oooh... I like it. The heart idea is a nice effect so it bites that didnt' work. Once you mentioned it, though, I can see how that would have worked. "Language of love" was a bit too trite for my taste, but I did like the way you broke up the poem toward the end, since it slowed it down nicely.

Well, as soon as I saw it I thought "that's half a heart!"

Just as effective as an entire on with a hole, I think.

And, what's more, I also like the imagery - top points all round, especially for the structure; excellent stuff.

I liked this. Nothing really stands out to me that needs fixing... but for anyone that would like to see the orginal format, you can just click on the quote button at the top of yoha's post and it shows up correctly there.

There's a hole, all right. A line like the following:

"A life flaw both share both bring together"

is repetitive within itself and incomprehensible to most everyone but you.

This reminds me a great deal of slam poetry -- if it is such, you have a nice piece on your hands that, nevertheless, would benefit from some rounding of the edges --, but since you didn't necessarily call it that, I'll treat it as a "real" attempt at poetry (if there actually is such a thing).

Either way, you are definitely lacking in the realms of imagery, metaphor, and allusion. It seems rather prosaic at current, so poeticize your ideas! Romanticize! If you care, as an aside, your poem would benefit from punctuation marks, as well. Perhaps the aforemention line reads like garble because it is due to a lack of punctual commas and periods.

Good Luck With This One!

i like it, very passionate. i can never relate to these kind of poems since ive never been in a relationship... but still, its moving.

I loved it. It wasn't really your standard kind of poem, which was cool.

Haha! I have never been in a relationship either RiverGirl. I was basically BSing it, off of dumb sappy movies I guess. And thanks who fate loves. I'm surprised in myself in how good it turned out...

Hey- the poetry was good, but I liked the format best. You win. (and thanks to Dusky for pointing out that we can see it all pretty). Yup, its all good here.