Forsaken

My God, why have You forsaken me?
When I stumble on a twisted path of darkness,
I feel as though all hope has left me,
And that is when You rescue me.
You are the light that shatters the dark.
Your hand guides me and protects me.
I have faith in You and love You,
And I know You will never forsake me.

At long last, a brave soul to utter the name of God! I applaud you Now, to the review!

mellophone7 wrote:My God, why have You forsaken me? Good first verse. Nice and strong.
When I stumble on a twisted path of darkness,
I feel as though all hope has left me, I like the path you are going down with this part but then you cut it off. I want to know more about your inner turmoil. We'll get to the rescuing later . I want to know how far you sank before God stopped you from drowning.
And that is when You rescue me.
You are the light that shatters the dark.
Your hand guides me and protects me. Again, I love where you are going, now keep going there. Elaborate! What God to you?
I have faith in You and love You,
And I know You will never forsake me. Not as strong as the beginning but well enough. maybe you want to use "leave me or forsake me". Just a thought.

Awesome stuff, God bless you for your courage. I'd like to see the elaboration and how it turns out if you decide to change it. Great job!

Veritas

A nice enough piece of work, but there's that something missing for me. It just feels understated, ordinary almost - you use poetic techniques perfectly well and you've got a great grip of grammar and punctuation, but the emotion in it feels a little bit too subtle for me and it just doesn't put across enough power for me to really understand what you're feeling. Aside from that, it was still a good poem technically, and fairly sweet emotionally.

First, the title of the poem does not match the poem itself. Next this poem was not that great. Even for a religious poem this seems a bit too "Hallelujah! God is the greatest. There is nothing but he and us, and he will protect us from everything."

Ideologically I do not agree with this poem, but from a poetic standpoint this poem was not delivered very well.

My God, why have You forsaken me?
When I stumble on a twisted path of darkness,
I feel as though all hope has left me,
And that is when You rescue me.

The highlighted part is a bit too abrupt to begin with. If you believe you have been forsaken, and at the first sign of darkness you are saved that is not forsaken. The abruptness destroys what the meaning of the poem is, that you have found God. The feelings of abandonment should be present, and the essence of feeling forsaken is meant to teach a lesson, that "God" is not the only entity you must rely on. In fact what I see as the first line of the poem does make a good start, but the rest goes down hill.

I would re-write this poem, and if you ask, yes I am an Atheist.

Amen. It's all so true. Not bad for your first religious poem. I would have loved to see a little rhyme in it, but hey, that's just my personal opinion

Well, I liked it.
It was good but as some people were saying it was missing some description. I LOVED though the message through out it!!!! I can totally relate to it!!!! I know that my poems are really that good so you may think that I don't know what I'm saying. I don't think I'm doing a great job on mine but you are soooooooooo great at writing things so I know you can do great things with this great of a start!!!!!!!!!
I love your love for God and your want to praise him! God bless you and have fun writing more!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I really enjoyed it. I love the way you tie the 2nd line to the last line. Well done!

Hi mellophone7,

Generally, it's a good thing to get the reader to question a poem. However, when this question is "Does the narrator have a personality disorder and is just ranting?" then you know you have a problem.

Short poems are always hard to do, and this one falls into the pit of completely reversing its position in the span of less than fifty words, speeding off and leaving the reader way behind. What makes you embrace God after believing that He abandoned you? Where is the conflict here? Is this poem supposed to mean... anything except that you really, really love God?

Answer those questions and you can probably start figuring out what makes this stanza so unworthy of being read.

Hope that helped,
Galerius