Ego

Wow, this poem is really deep.

The point you were making was definitely coming across to the readers i.e. me.

You should be proud of yourself!
Well done.

,writingaway

Hello there!
I think your poem is very good, but while reading I felt like i was reading a story more than a poem. Your ideas and the way you were able to make it feel real was very good. I think it needs more rhyming though.

First of all, not to disrespect past reviewers but in the name of god and/or Ryan Renolds, do not turn this into rhyming poetry.
The only thing I have to say about this poem is, unlike so many others on this site, it deserved to be published; either in a collection with other poetry from you or in some sort of poetry anthology.
The only critique I have would be to caution you against falling back on Shakespeare references too often-- he is an artist, but referenced a bit too often.
This did hit a chord with me. Especially striking was
"and his brother bemoaned
he hadn't killed himself naked."
Basically, it was really beautiful and you should keep doing what you're doing.

I told you I'd be here. Sorry it took me so long to settle down and get to it!
Now, this poem is really clear and easily followed up to the fourth stanza. I love the rhythm and the diction in the first three stanzas. It's a gentle introduction in feeling, but not in the imagery. I love that instead of saying "he killed himself in his clothes" and remind us of the blood stained clothes, you instead chose to say "he hadn't killed himself naked", which brings not only the imagery of the man naked, but STILL reminds us of the blood and the pants. Brilliant.

But then --

“He did this to bury,
his tombstone ego,
so why have us family,
gather here at all?”

and on...

I feel like in the remaining stanzas, there are several points at which you sandwich a couple words together in the hope of evoking something new, but they fall flat. For example: tombstone ego. It could mean the ego that was driving him to death, or the ego that was so heavily placed like a tombstone, or he thought highly of death, or something. It gives me so many unfamiliar and unpalatable reactions that I'm not sure what it was "supposed" to mean or even what it suggested.

This happens again in the next stanza: what is denim supposed to suggest, and tinnitus ear? and exhuming words?
I feel like the second line there would make sense: then the words came back to him, if the following stanza sounded like it was coming from the live brother at all.

Mmm, and from then on I can't grasp anything in what you're saying. There aren't even any quick images to give me a last pat on the back, even if your underlying message escapes me, so I am left feeling that this poem went nowhere.

Consider reworking the second half and leave us at least a small thread through it.

Let me know if you have questions.

Hannah