my life be like a theme park

My life be like a theme park;

My life be like a theme park..
im bein fo serious.
what i be doin?
bein all mysterious

people all pukin'
heaps of fat kids on my right
skinny asians on my left
and i be drinkin ma sprite

my head feels hell weird
like i've been smokin a joint
smokin some penguins
you must get the point?

my life like a theme park
wheres my dad and mum?
i need to find a toilet
this is so much fun!!

From mrpunctuation

Hey there!

Ah, first of all, when your talking about yourself and you use "I", please put them in captials! Where its, I, I'm, I've, etc. it must be in captials.

My life be like a theme park..
im bein fo serious.
what i be doin?
bein all mysterious

Bein? You either use "Being" or "Bein' "
Fo? Whats "Fo" supposed to be?
What I be doin? Either use Doing, or Doin'. Also, this sentence's grammer is very wrong and it doesn't make any sense.

people all pukin'
heaps of fat kids on my right
skinny asians on my left
and i be drinkin ma sprite

No "Ma" is allowed for "my" here! Its an English site! Use proper English. "Ma" is understandable for mother, not for my.

The idea was good and worth a shot, but you need to improve on your grammar! The rhyming was good, though I didn't see the point of the third paragraphs third line. Just to make something rhyme, you don't add something useless and unneeded. Try reading some of the other poems and posts of other people and observe how they write.

-Justtrying.

i dont think you realise.. my name is mrpunctuation... irony? dont u see it...

Hi!

I don't think the repetition in the beginning was necessary, as it didn't really add anything to the poem. If I were you, I'd only use that line once.

im bein fo serious.

fo? Is that meant to be so?

Another thing is, the last two lines in the fifth stanza seems a bit random to me:

i need to find a toilet
this is so much fun!!

You've been talking about all these random things around you, but then you go on about the toilet and then about how fun it all is. Is that how it's supposed to be, random? Because I don't think it really works, there's some random things that work, but there's some that just looks really...random. In this case, yours was somewhere in between I guess. I would find something else to replace the first line to make the transition smoother.

Yet another thing:

From mrpunctuation

I do realise that you're trying to point the irony out. But, usually when you put 'from' in the end it has to be a form of letter or at least the poem has to to have a message for other people to read. With your poem, I don't think it was either of them. Which makes me wonder why this line is present.

So, nitpicks aside, I kind of like the tone of this poem, there's some slang in there, which is quite uncommon amongst poems as most of them are grammatically pristine. Nonetheless, I liked the language in the poem. I noticed how you incorporated rhyme in the poem. That was very well written as it doesn't sound force. In fact, it was so flowing that I didn't notice it when I first read it. Good job on that.

I'd recommend you to watch out for the some little things, like the ones mentioned above. But, good job all around. Keep writing!

Um. This sort of drove me nuts.
First: The title. It needs capitalized.
Second: Your grammar is off. A lot.
Third: You didn't capitalize I hardly ever.

Those are the bigger mistakes that I've found. But your grammar in this piece makes it look rather unprofessional, and that might make readers turn away from it.

Well, I liked what you tried to do with this poem. The slang makes it original though we should show that you did it on purpose by putting apostrophes like for doin'.

Miracles wrote:

You've been talking about all these random things around you, but then you go on about the toilet and then about how fun it all is. Is that how it's supposed to be, random? Because I don't think it really works, there's some random things that work, but there's some that just looks really...random. In this case, yours was somewhere in between I guess. I would find something else to replace the first line to make the transition smoother.

I agree. I didn't understand the link between the fact that you're going to the toilet and that this is so much fun. Did you mean like you need to go to the toilet and then come back to enjoy the fun??

Okay, and I have a problem with 'fo' did you mean 'f*****g' ? Or so? Or we're you trying to do the 'fo shizzle' thing?
(Please tell me because I'd really like to know.)

So that's it from me. I quite like the style --I've seen it with Maya Angelou--Keep writing!

hey, nice poem its very funny and original welldone just put in the ' next time
p.s i dint know how to spell it so i had to do ' haha and i get the - i need to find a toilet
this is so much fun!!- bit

HaHaHaHa I thought this poem was hilarious! I like the use of bad grammar, you still understand the poem, but it's not all proper. I like it.

My life be like a theme park;

My life be like a theme park..
im bein fo serious.
what i be doin?
bein all mysterious

people all pukin'
heaps of fat kids on my right ----- hahaha
skinny asians on my left ----------- a bit racy, but alright
and i be drinkin ma sprite

my head feels hell weird
like i've been smokin a joint ------- that's exactly what this poem tells me.
smokin some penguins -------------- hahahaha
you must get the point?

my life like a theme park
wheres my dad and mum?
i need to find a toilet
this is so much fun!! ---- wow. Just wow.

Anyways, great job! I like it!
Love,
LittleLionWoman

Ahaha - mrpunctuation you've done it again. I thought it was hilarious =)
The irony and the bad grammar just make it so much funnier. And yes, I do think it is quite like you've 'been smokin' a joint'.
Thumbs up!

what can i say, i can write a hell of poem

what can i say, i can write a hell of poem

what can i say, i can write a hell of poem

Hello, I am going to review your poem.
Red- corrections/errors/opinions

My life be like a theme park.. 'be' should be 'is'.
im bein fo serious. Are you trying to say for? or so?
what i be doin? Capital I, and 'doin' is spelt doing.
bein all mysterious Being.

people all pukin'
heaps of fat kids on my right
skinny asians on my left
and i be drinkin ma sprite It's spelt 'my'.

my head feels hell weird
like i've been smokin a joint smoking
smokin some penguins
you must get the point?

my life like a theme park
wheres my dad and mum?
i need to find a toilet
this is so much fun!!

Okay, this poem is completely random, there really isn't a point to it. Your punctuation and capitalism is terrible, sorry. This poem needs lots of work. Hopefully in the future you improve... Also I might add that i didn't correct your capitals, fullstops and commas as there was to much to correct.

Good luck, you need it!
,writingaway

this is good! It defenitly caught my atention, It's funny! the grammer was well as well as spelling. if i where a teacher i would give you a+