Breaking Me

My writing has become less and less coherent over the past couple of days.




My mind is a blistered crusade,
vengeful to the words you speak and the
tones in which you say them--
you hold ideas in your indifferent skepticalities
and shove them into my closed palms,
breaking and prying fingers open like a wrench--
tirades of untruths and losing track records
are pressed into my ears with a perpetual tenacity,
buzzing and bulging and burning
like an untuned guitar on fire;

soon, the lies become more plausible than the lines
in my palms and irises,
and your confidence spearheads into my ideals
like a viking ship through tepid water that’s too lazy
to put up a fight, that doesn’t even splash as it’s cut with
a wooden smile, perpetuated into a smirk;
you always did have a silvertongued wit,
and it seems that you’ve put it to good use,
at least when it comes to
breaking me.



I really don't like this end, and am actually thinking of scrapping the entire piece. Thoughts?
Thanks for reading!
-Coral-

Hi,

Actually I quite like this. The opening caught my attention and was very powerful.

My mind is a blistered crusade,
vengeful to the words you speak and the
tones in which you say them--
you hold ideas in your indifferent skepticalities nice word!
and shove them into my closed palms,
breaking and prying fingers open like a wrench--
tirades of untruths and losing track records I'm not sure about the second half of this sentence
are pressed into my ears with a perpetual tenacity,
buzzing and bulging and burning
like an untuned guitar on fire;

soon, the lies become more plausible than the lines
in my palms and irises, I love this description--I can just see it, and I like the personal feel you give it by discussing palms and irises--things everyone can relate to!
and your confidence spearheads into my ideals
like a viking ship through tepid water that’s too lazy the last three words disrupt the flow of your poetry
to put up a fight, that doesn’t even splash as it’s cut with
a wooden smile, perpetuated into a smirk;
you always did have a silvertongued wit, nice descriptions in the last two lines
and it seems that you’ve put it to good use,
at least when it comes to
breaking me.

As a matter of fact, the end of the poem, the last four lines, were my favorite part. I think it's beautiful and meaningful--a message everyone can relate to portrayed in a new and creative way. This is the same message portrayed in every pop song ever written, but I like your way of saying it better than any of theirs!!!

Awesome job and I look forward to reading more of your poetry!

Sarebear

Coral. Coral, Coral, Coral, Coral, Coral.

Persephoneia wrote:My mind is a blistered crusade,
vengeful to the words you speak and the
tones in which you say them--
you hold ideas in your indifferent skepticalities I like the word, but not here. It sounds a bit too sophisticated in light of the destruction and crumbling feel of everything else.
and shove them into my closed palms,
breaking and prying fingers open like a wrench-- love love love.
tirades of untruths and losing track records this is going to sound really stupid, but I've never heard/read that word before until now. It's so... awesome
are pressed into my ears with a perpetual tenacity,
buzzing and bulging and burning What the heck. Why are you so awesome?
like an untuned guitar on fire;

soon, the lies become more plausible than the lines
in my palms and irises, You've already used "palms" in the poem, and I think it'd be helpful to fill in the space you have in this line. It's really the only line that's so small in length, and it doesn't hold enough power to just stand alone against the longer lines of the rest of the poem. In my opinion, at least.
and your confidence spearheads into my ideals
like a viking ship through tepid water that’s too lazy
to put up a fight, that doesn’t even splash as it’s cut with though you'd probably have to rearrange the lines a bit after adding a longer word, "cut" doesn't really fit in with the rest of your beautiful word choice.
a wooden smile, perpetuated into a smirk;
you always did have a silvertongued wit,
and it seems that you’ve put it to good use,
at least when it comes to
breaking me. as you've already said yourself, the ending could definitely use some work. You have this gorgeous chain of images and detail weaving through your piece, but the ending... is like a mouse against a lion. Your words roar with excellence, but you cut them off with a tiny squeak.

Overall, I loved this. Please, pleeeaaase don't trash it. Because you know that you're awesome, and how could anyone let something like this go? It could just use some polishing, is all. We all need polishing, yeah? Awesome work, as always.

This is really good:) very emotional and i love the use emotive words it just adds to the feeling of the poem and brings the reader into the poem and lets them feel what you are feeling. great poem:)

I loved the depth and meaning you used in this story. I thought the flow was nice and that you were telling a great story. Over all i thought you did a great job. Keep up the great work and keep writing

I actually like the last four lines and the imagery was very good. I could feel the agony and despair, awesome! It does need a little work, but not much. Maybe you should write a second piece to go with it? Like, an after?

I've gotta say, I genuinely enjoyed reading this! Maybe it was because I have a poem fairly similar to this, at least in subject matter. But it was fantastic. I know you said at the beginning of the post that it wasn't your best work, and if that's true, I'd love to read what you think is your best! Seriously, there's some LOVELY imagery. Well... lovely is relative, I suppose, given the fact that the imagery is almost brutal. But that's part of what makes it so lovely. You take something that would seem almost subtle in reality, and give it a violent and forceful twist. What I look for in poetry is something that people can grab onto, and RELATE to. I know too many people, myself included, who suffer from the oppression and lies of others. So reading this sort of stuff helps me to be able to put words to my emotions. It's awesome to find pieces like this. You hit the nail right on the head! Good work! Definitely keep it up.
~Molly

Wow! I can't actually believe you said this wasn't one of you best pieces! I could only gaze in awe at the way you mastered your words in this poem. From the first line, to the very last , the voice of the poem was loud and clear. You turned a theme that is so common, into something so rare and distinct. I also love your choice of word, quite sophisticated making the imagery of the poem vibrant to visualise. Very nice style indeed! Keep it up!

To be very honest with you, I didn't understand it. The only thing that I got from it was the mind that is hurt, but in what way? I can't say how to improve because I don't understand it enough to give you any advice. But one thing I'd say, try to make it clearer what it is about. There is beautiful language in this piece but I can't get to the core. I make the same mistake in my writing so it's easy to fall into that trap

Anyways keep writing

This was an amazing poem. You have a great vocabulary and your similies and metaphors are phenominal.