Troubled Sage and Sweet Caroline

PROLOG 0.1: SWEET CAROLINE

I met Caroline on the day I thought I was about to die. I had planned it for weeks; it was all supposed to go down during Marcus Allens famous Christmas party. I was going to jump down the roof of their ridiculously big house, break my neck and go to heaven.

And I was up there. I stood on the fucking edge of that house, looking down at the snowy ground beneath me, knowing that in a few seconds it would all be over. I could hear the muffled sound of people having a good time inside the house. It was very cold outside, my breath turned into small grey clouds in front of my lips, and I think I even cried. I never cry.

I was the tough guy. I played football, beat up nerds, slept with every girl in school and I sure wasn't supposed to cry. But I did, I cried like a little baby. And through my tears I looked up to the skies. Even though it was snowing heavily i could clearly see the bright stars up there. When I was a kid, my dad and I used to look at the stars trough this big telescope. One day the telescope broke, and my dad and I never looked at the stars together again. Fact is that after that day I didn't spend much time with my dad, ever actually. Except those unusual times when he would found out that my grades were shitty or when I got into a fight… My dad wanted me to live the life he never got the chance to live. He wanted me to get into a great school, get great grades, meet a great girl and get a great family. I wanted to be a rock star, fucking my way through life! I didn't give shit about school, grades or families, so my dad didn't give much shit about me either.
I lowered my head from the dark sky above me and looked down toward the ground as I took a step closer to the edge of the roof. The tip of my worn out converse were sticking out in the air in front of me. And just as I was about to push off the ledge of the ceiling, break my neck and go to heaven I heard the front door, and the sound of someone going down the stairs that led up to the house. That’s when I saw her. Caroline. Sweet Caroline.

When she got down from the stairs, she stopped in front of the house, lit a cigarette and blew a cloud of warm smoke out in the cold air. Snow fell from the sky and landed in her dark, wavy hair. She had a way too big jacket on her tiny body, and she looked in the direction of the empty road ahead. Then she turned around. First she looked at the door she just came out from, and took another puff from the cigarette. I couldn't take my eyes of her. And I slowly moved my right foot back a bit, so I could watch her for a little while longer before i took off from the roof, broke my neck and went to heaven.

But then... Then she looked up. And she saw me. I don't know how. Because the house is so big and it was so dark outside. But she saw me, I know she did. She looked straight through me, and I still couldn't take my eyes of her.

I couldn't do it, I couldn't jump. And to that day, i owe sweet Caroline my life.

First let me begin by saying work such as this should be must berated. I lost count of how many four letter words made me double take. F-Bombs and S-Bombs generally warrant a +16 Rating. If the S-Bomb appears once or twice over the span of a novel than perhaps a +13 rating. So please adjust that.

sidewalkrunner wrote:PROLOG 0.1: SWEET CAROLINE

I met Caroline on the day I thought I was aboutgoing to die. I had planned it for weeks; it was all supposed to go down during Marcus Allens famous Christmas party.

Good.

I was going to jump down the roof of their ridiculously big house, break my neck and go to heaven.

Not so good. Now, a moment ago we learned he had planned it for weeks, now we see he is going to simply jump of a roof. I would like to see how that process of planning went? I guess I take issue with the word 'planned' it implies creative input, a process almost. I would suggest have him 'toil it over' for weeks. Something that suggests anguish, introspection, wonder about whether he was doing the right thing.

And I was up there. I stood on the fucking edge of that house, looking down at the snowy ground beneath me, knowing that in a few seconds it would all be over. I could hear the muffled sound of people having a good time inside the house. It was very cold outsideIt had been a cold winter, my breath turned into small grey clouds in front of my lips,with every breath grey clouds formed and I think I even cried. I never cry.

You do a lot of telling and not much showing, well no showing at all. My suggestions are italicized and I never cry should be italicized as you are going from past tense to present tense to provide use with the narrators inner voice, you need to distinguish this, italics are fine.

I was the tough guy. I played footbalI was a tough football player who beat up nerds, slept with every girl in school and I sure wasn't supposed to cry. But I did; I cried like a little baby. And through my tears I looked up to the skies. Even though it was snowing heavily I could clearly see the bright stars up there.

Good imagery at the end of this paragraph. Also needs a coma after heavily.

When I was a kid, my dad and I used to look at the stars through this big telescope. One day the telescope broke, and my dad and I never looked at the stars together again. Fact is(coma here) that after that day I didn't spend much time with my dad, ever actually. Except in those unusual rare times when he would foundfind out that my grades were shitty or when I got into a fight…(one period would do, ellipses can appear really amateur, especially when they add nothing to the piece) My dad wanted me to live the life he never got the chance to live

how does he know this? and why isn't he showing us this? I mean one, he's speculating really so he can't be sure and two, you can be subtle about this. Here is a good opportunity to show us his dad has a heart.

"Dad would often talk about growing up in... he never had... his father would..." you get what I mean?

He wanted me to get into a great school, get great grades, meet a great girl and get a great family.

I don't like how this reads. you combine 'get' and 'great' too much. Find another way of saying it.

eg, "He wanted his son to be the top of the class in the type of rich school he had only heard about growing up. He wanted to see me marry the prom queen and give him grand kids."

I like the idea of how these two meet but I don't think you handled it that well. You need to build up that tension a little more. And you really need to get into the habit of showing.
Other than that this will work well as a prologue but you seem to put a little bit too much emphasise on the friction between he and his father, the less you play upon that now the more you can later.

Hope that helps.
JP

Ok, mostly I agree with the comment before, but I have a few other suggestions. Well, first of all, suicide is kinda a touchy subject and I think it is one of the most controversies ever, because nobody really knows what happens to them after death. So, I congratulate you for choosing this topic. Okay, here is my suggestion, don't drop the "F" bomb the first page of your book. You almost lost me there and I couldn't really get back into the story. You may decide to keep it, and that's fine, I just think that you might loose a big portion of your audience for keeping it, but I might be wrong. It's just a thought. Otherwise, it looked good! Keep writing!

Alright! Thank you all for your reviews. English is my second language so the grammar and stuff might be a bit off. And in Sweden we're pretty... Loose on the whole swearing thing so it's not that big of a deal for us. But I'll keep it in mind, and make sure to put a rating on it!

Thank you very much.