Shoulder The Veil

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Gender Female
Points 1193
Reviews 262
Shoulder the veil, the thin
lacy shroud, hiding my face
from the many on-viewers;
carry it away on a white horse
at sunset; kiss it so sweetly, like an
elegant swan.

Perhaps you’ll find love with it,
the symbol I hold; perhaps
you won’t regret the time
you’ve taken to smooth
its creases and edges,
to iron its back; perhaps
you can hold it at night, whispering
soft words, stroking its fabric,
dreaming of a world better for all.

Maybe one day you’ll reach an agreement,
a place near the middle where it’s
not a mistake to
pick apart the catalogue, searching
the pages, selecting the beautiful piece;
maybe one day the veil won’t resent you,
will come to love you,
will stop dreaming of a world left behind;
maybe one day it won’t be about lust,
but a love gently kindled,
smoldering until the ashes go bleak.

But until that day, don’t expect a
warm welcome, a kiss on arrival, kind
eyes of approval; endangered hearts are fragile
to the touch, so don’t play around, don’t tip the
scales, don’t bounce the rug around the den;
wrap that thin veil in a veil of its own,
a veil of tenderness despite the rough edges;
a veil of loveliness despite ragged tears;
a veil of oneness despite separate lives.

Shoulder the veil, or please, my dear, run;
bury the satin dress bought at expense;
burn down the flowers you chose for
they bring out my blue eyes and brown hair and
glowing white skin; shoulder the veil, because without it
you’re alone; for I won’t be bought,
not a mail-order bride.

"Veil" made me think of "Bride".
"Blah blah blah. You feel trapped in your life. Here is what I am hearing: happiness isn't worth any inconvenience."

~asofterworld.com




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 1711
Reviews 103
Alright, I think this is fantastic, but I do have some reservations as to the use of so much enjambment. I don't know, maybe that's just me, but I've never been a fan of leaving lines unfinished.
Apart from that, wonderful flow, good structure and effective imagery. Not much else I can critique you for.
Being children of a cruel reality, we fall prey to the greater powers.
To envy.
To madness.
Betrayal.
Love.
And yet without these things, we cannot remain human. Without these things, we are nothing.
But it is the greatest sacrifice. To envy. To be mad. To betray. To love.
To be human.




Random avatar
Gender Female
Points 12193
Reviews 275
Hey, what is this for? *hint, hint, nudge, nudge* O.K. yes I admit I know exactly what it is for, but come on. You should tell people so the contest gets more entries! It is mandatory - well, almost mandatory.

To be honest I really never got into the rhythm of this poem. As I read I would pause for your commas and semi-colons and at the end of your lines. Because I paused for all it kind of just sounded really choppy. I'm not sure what you were going for. That is what I think your biggest problem is. Besides that there is nothing really wrong with this poem.

It doesn't evoke a lot of emotion in me, but I'm not how sure you can change the poem to do that. I think fixing the rhythm might help with that too.

The only nitpick I found was:

Maybe one day you’ll reach an agreement,
a place near the middle where it’s
not a mistake to
pick apart the catalogue, searching
the pages, selecting the beautiful piece;
maybe one day the veil won’t resent you,
will come to love you,
will stop dreaming of a world left behind;
maybe one day it won’t be about lust,
but a love gently kindled,
smoldering until the ashes go bleak.


This should be spelled catalog as far as I know.

Oh and I know this is a really crummy review... :P




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 1126
Reviews 6
'ello, I'm Soul.

To start off I'd like to say that, overall, I really liked the poem.
You have really good imagery through out the entire poem. Not to little, or to much. It's quite the accomplishment so give yourself a pat on the back. I was able to keep a good image in my head as I read it. :) awesome job.

Secondly, even though the rhythm is choppy, some lines flowed really well, while others didn't. I don't know if it's the way you like to write or not, but I would suggest you go over it. Read it out loud the way you have it now. Maybe you'll notice somethings yourself. If it is just the way you write and aren't able to work it out, and are willing to see if changing things will make it better, send me a PM and I'll attempt to help you out.

Bringing this little review to an end, I'd like to again say, really good poem.
Hope to see more of your work soon.
--Soul
There are two kinds of writer: those that make you think, and those that make you wonder.
- Brian Aldiss



I know history. There are many names in history, but none of them are ours.
— Richard Siken