Sinking

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Spoiler
This story is meant to be a cautionary tale which is a unrealistic and really childish poem, but there is always a moral. Think of it in the childish way... please.. and oh, enjoy! :D


There once was a girl,
Whose hair was in swirls,
Who was very naughty indeed.

The teacher announced,
Which no one could denounce,
That everyone should keep fit.

So after school every Thursday,
Without excuse or delay,
Be at the pool on time.

But that little girl,
Whose hair was in swirls,
Did not like swimming one bit.

She thought she would fail,
As her body was frail,
And was not up for much exercise.

So she missed,
Every lesson, which was absolute bliss,
At least from her point of view.

But one fearful day,
The teacher started to say,
We will have a swimming test now.

She tried to hide in a bin,
But she had to join in,
Even though swimming was not her thing.

So in the end,
She swam round the bend
And slowly she started to sink.

She screamed and she yelled,
It was a sad story to tell,
Because that day she sadly drowned.

This is a story,
That may seem gory,
That happened to the girl with the swirls.

Learn from this tale,
That it is alright to fail,
But make sure you always try.
Trust in God and all else follows.

Deanie, dominating the world since it was cool @Pompadour, 2014
Your username reminds me of a hotdog @Stegosaurus, 2015
Tried to make puns out of your username, but every attempt has been Deanied @Candywizard, 2015




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The little girl died? Horrible! But I loved the poem and it made me laugh. It teaches a wonderful lesson. Your rhyme is good, even with the few words that only almost rhyme. You pulled it off very well. There are a few places where your rhythm is weird, and interrupts the flow of the poem. It's just some of the lines seem too long to me. I didn't notice any grammar or spelling mistakes, so good job. It was a cute poem.
A non-writing writer is a monster courting insanity. -Kafka

Look: A Link! https://caijobetweenthepages.wordpress.com/




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Gender Female
Points 2046
Reviews 131
Very cute poem! I think the message is great as well. The one thing that bugged me was the rhyme scheme. It was annoying to get through because some parts rhymed while other stanzas did not at all. I like the repetition of the girl with the swirls, it's euphonic. Keep up the good work! :D




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Points 552
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This poem i believe has great potential but it also has a few faults which i think makes it quite difficult to follow.
Before i go on with the faults i do want to say that the concept of the story is quite amazing and very imaginative
but what messes up the overall value of the poem is rhyme scheme you have chosen which is quite irritating because on some lines you fail to rhyme which can be quite irritating because it disturbs the flow which can change a persons mind about this poem, however your message is what i believe turns this poem in one to remember because the concept is fantastic as it allows the reader to feel different emotions such as sympathy and sorrow
Well done and keep it up.



I feel like it will be absolute hotdog water, but oh well. It's just a draft.
— Charm