Dark Secrets chapter 1

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Chapter 1

I stopped in front of my aunt’s house my red curly hair danced with the wind making me look even more like a tourist if that at all was possible. It wasn’t the Scottish accent that made me stand out no I was relatively white in a tanned world, oh heavens help me, I sent a silent plea as I memorized the house I would be calling home for a month or two. It was a two story Victorian home with a beach front property that gave me great access to do my summer shots. My Nikon camera hung loosely on its strap as I bit my lip I hadn’t seen my aunt Sara in over 10 years it was strange that after all those years of hating her brother she would contact us at all.
I walked up the steps taking a deep breath calming the nervous butterflies in my stomach, this is really happening, I told myself pausing in front of the large wooden door that separated me from the life I was going to have here while my parents went on vacation. Sighing I lifted my finger up to the door bell and rang it twice hearing heavy foot falls headed her way I instantly wanted to dive in a bush or something. To late, the door swung open wide exposing a Skinny woman with light brown hair that was pulled into a bun and thin glasses that slid down her narrow nose, “You must be Megan McLain.” the woman said her light brown eyes flickering over my bags.
“Yes I am and you are?” I questioned I didn’t want to be rude and not ask.
“Call me Beth your aunt is waiting for you in the library.”
Ok… way to go on friendliness here. I thought to myself wondering how I could survive here without being my usual chatty self, though I only really ramble when I’m nervous or in my head. I watched Beth walk into the house then turn towards me beckoning me in. picking up my bags I followed her in glancing around warily I wasn’t used to going into peoples homes I usually stayed to myself. I stopped just inside the door placing my bag down clasping my hands together behind my back.
“Well come on girl she isn’t going to wait for you forever.” Beth called from the end of the hall in front of a door. Jumping up I quickly walked over to her pausing just a foot away as she stared me down fixing what ever she thought was wrong with me with her eyes. I frowning I stared back at her, what was her problem? “Well don’t just stand there, go in,” she gave me a light shove which I answered with a glare; she was already pushing my buttons.
I walked in or was pushed in technically; stumbling over my own feet I steadied myself then glanced up at an elderly woman with surly white hair that was in a loose ponytail and her icy blue eyes that seemed to watch my every movement. “Megan how was your trip?” she asked her posture gave the look of a woman who wasn’t dared to be disobeyed or refused no matter what.
Standing up I tilted my chin up in defiance, “It was great thank you Sara.” I replied looking around the huge library that was filled with books, old books with leather bindings that sparked my curiosity immediately.
“You have everything in order?” she asked her eyes narrowing in on my clothes, a light gray sweater and regular jean with flats.
“Mom and Dad are doing fine you know how it is, Dad wanted me to go to Hawaii with them, but was thrilled that you invited me here instead.” I replied knowing she wasn’t really asking about them, but I wouldn’t dare leave them out when I had a bitter aunt.
“Is everything in order?” she asked again her eyes glinted with annoyance.
“Yes.”
Seeming to know that’s all she was going to get out of me she rose up, to my surprise she was only a few inches taller than my 5’6 height. I was surprised my dad was an inch shorter than me and a few inches shorter than his sister. “I will show you to your room.”
Soon I realized that Aunt Sara didn’t use the words ‘would you like’ or ‘please’ no instead she used words like ‘I will’ or ‘I won’t’ well so much for thinking she might actually be nice. I followed her out back into the hallway picking up my bags as she went up the stairs onto the second floor on the way I noticed a family picture hanging on the wall, my dad a stunningly cute little boy I smirked as I thought of him now what happened since then? Besides him was uncle Marcus who looked the same as he always did I’d have to tease him about that later, then there was aunt Sara she was the eldest of them but in this picture she looked about my age with black straight hair and an easy smile that made me smile in response only then did I really wonder what happened to her. Of course since then uncle Tom died, he was her husband and that must’ve hurt her deeply wounds like that don’t heal. She paused in front of a door opening it after letting out a soft sigh; I followed her into the room surprised that it looked well normal. A single bed with plaid covers and light green walls with a fish tank against the wall. “Thank you.” I stammered out not really knowing what I was expecting for a room, what ever it was it was nothing compared to this.
“Dinner is at seven I expect you to be there on time.” she replied stiffly walking out the door, this was going to be the longest month of my life. Placing my bag in front of the dresser I grabbed my camera and began my pictures one of the rooms then I moved to the window loving the view of the beach. Done with part of my subject I put my camera on the bed and went to the mirror above the dresser and pulled out my brush. I looked for a moment my dark green eyes looking tired though I was sleeping most of the way here. I shook my head running my brush through my wild curls, already the sun seem to be setting. I glanced over my shoulder to see something dart across. I choked back a scream, looking directly at a woman with raven black hair and icy eyes, but looking extremely translucent. “W-who are you?” I asked making a slow step towards the door.
“You can see me?”
I blinked, “It’s kind of not hard to not see you since you’re in my room and all.” I replied shakily.
The woman smiled clapping her hands together, “Yes! Finally someone to talk to, and my name is Annie Marie, you are?”
“Extremely freaked out that you’re in my room,” I replied staying still, watching her warily, “why are you in my room?”
“I was just passing by, going through walls secretly haunting my fiancé who I have found out is a cheating whore monger.” Annie replied casually shrugging as if it a normal conversation.
“Going through walls? Haunting your fiancé? You sound like a ghost.” at my words she stared blankly at me, I finally got it. “No way in hells fire are you a freaking ghost!” I exclaimed warily this was all too much for one day.
Annie raised a perfect eyebrow at me then grinned wickedly, “I can prove it,” in a blink of an eye she was standing in front of me smiling triumphantly, “nothing alive can move like that.”
I shivered lightly she was right nothing could just be one place on second then another place the next second. She held up her hand and put it through my shoulder, she wasn’t just looking translucent but she could actually go through things, for a moment I relaxed noting that she wasn’t going to hurt me until she coughed. I glanced at the clock by the bed stand noticing it was 6:50, dinner is at seven. “No one so far has seen you right?” I asked moving to the door again.
“…Right none so far, other than you of course, why?”
“I was just wondering what would happen if you went all over this house.” I replied noting that my aunt didn’t like anyone leaving the house unless she knew and well part of my segment was Rock Port, Texas revealed. I opened my door and smiled warmly at my new ghost friend. “Stay here please.” I didn’t give her a chance to reply as I slammed the door shut and raced downstairs and into what could possibly pass as the goriest dinning room in history. I chocked back my horror as I stared at a deer head that looked back at me with those glassy eyes all the time screaming murder at me. I glanced at the table to see Aunt Sara was already seated and waiting for meal, which I hoped wasn’t me. “Well sit down.” she commanded staring me down.
Not giving her the satisfaction of knowing she scared the crap out of me I calmly sat down staring down at my glob soup. Hesitantly I picked up my spoon and poked at it wondering just what my aunt was serving.
“Eat your too skinny for any man to want you, best get your body filled with some meat.” Beth came in disturbing my thoughts I wasn’t that skinny.
Smiling as convincingly as I could I put my spoon down, “Well that maybe true, but you’re as skinny as me right Beth?” I replied shooting her a knowing glance.
“Bah, I’m too old to worry about those silly things a girl like yourself should though,” she sat next to aunt Sara placing a bowl in front of her, “now eat your oyster soup before it gets cold.”
I gulped looking down at the presumably oyster soup, “Uh not that I’m against tae or anything, but is fish…”
“Yes,” Aunt Sara cut in, “down here in Rock Port that’s all we have is fish now eat.”
I looked longingly at a plant on the other side of the room, lucky it doesn’t have to eat this. Picking up my spoon I jabbed it into the bowl taking a deep breath I put the glob into my mouth it slid into my mouth causing my gag reflex into full swing, keeping it in I swallowed scrunching up my face in distaste.
“That has to be the most disgusting soup I’ve seen anyone eat, girl.”
I sat up straight looking at Annie who was walking around the room, no one but me noticed her at all, but they did notice my reaction, “Are you alright Megan?” Beth asked smirking at me as if she thought I couldn’t handle the glob soup.
Annie smiled brightly, “Aha so your name is Megan well Megan I’ll see you tomorrow I have things to do tonight.” then with that she made a mad dash out of the room my eyes following her warily.
Someone cleared their throat grabbing my attention back to the two ladies staring at me as if I was insane, “Right uh actually I’m not all that hungry,” I stood up forcing a smile on my face, “thank you for the meal.”
No one objected only when I grabbed my plate did Beth stand up and say to leave it, chastising me for about to waste food. Already impatient I left Beth to talk to her self to go to my room closing it firmly behind me. “Annie,” I hissed angrily no way was she backing out tonight.
“Yes Miss Megan?”
I jumped at her voice near my back placing a hand over my now racing heart I heaved a heavy breath, “Hell Annie didn’t anyone tell you sneaking up on people isn’t good?” I whispered knowing all too well how paper thin these walls where.
She frowned lost in thought for a moment then shook her head sighing, “I was busy doing something, now what do you want?” she asked obviously annoyed.
“What are you doing that is so important?” I asked curiously watching her eyes flicker with deep unreadable emotion.
“I answer with this, none of your damn business.” she stuck her tongue out at me then swiftly disappeared.
Grumbling a few choice words I jumped into bed falling asleep before my head hit the pillow and didn’t wake up until 12:00 p.m. the next day. “WAKE UP MEGAN!”
I sat up quickly looking around for who called me awake a heavy case of whiplash hit me making my head drop back against the pillow after a few moments the world wasn’t spinning anymore so I sat up, slowly this time. Sleepily I wiped the sleep from my eyes with the back of my hand and yawned, “Who’s there?” I asked sleepily peering around the room. Annie was sitting on my dresser looking annoyed at me while humming some tune I never heard of before, “oh, it’s you.”
A small smile spread on her glossy red lips, “Yeah, I know bummer right? Anyways let’s go to the beach like right now before I lose my mind in this god awful house.”
I rolled my eyes shifting off the bed placing my feet on the floor unfortunately I forgot to take off my shoes in my haste to sleep, “You know you could go yourself…”
She laughed, “Yeah, right now get changed now so we can go please.”
Rolling my eyes I took off my shoes and put on my sandals glancing at the amber stone in the middle I sighed stretching then putting my Nikon camera strap over my shoulder then hustled down the stairs and outside into the blinding sunlight instantly I cursed Annie for making me go outside. “Hurry up Megan I want to actually enjoy the waves up close not at a distance.”
Shaking my head I walked out into the back of Aunt Sara’s yard and into the beach loving how close I was to it already I smelt the saltiness of the ocean and the winds brushing my red hair back, “I could go for a tan,” I muttered taking in the greenness of the ocean and the people paddling around in it, “hey what’s the main language here?” I asked walking out farther letting my sandals stay behind.
“English and Spanish here usually you run into both more often then not.” she replied looking more translucent out here than inside which reminded me not to talk aloud unless I wanted to look insane. Smiling I dug into my pockets pulling out my phone’s Bluetooth and putting it into my ear.
“Right, ok so I’m not getting into that water I’m just here for pictures need I remind you.” I replied a bit louder as she walked into the water she threw me a startled gaze which I returned with a turn of my head exposing the device.
“Good thinking Megan.” she called out coming closer again as I crouched down picking up a shiny shell with tiger markings. “ignore the boy who comes up to you he reeks of danger trust me on that.” she warned taking on a protective stance on my side, thinking about what she said I put down my shell and cleared the sand drawing a heart the putting the shell in the middle, smiling to myself I grabbed my camera and took a quick shot.
“Hey there, girl.” a voice called out sounding unbearably sweet and soft like caramel on chocolate, a sound of pure fury escaped Annie’s lips as I stood up looking at a very white, very handsome male walking towards me with the grace of a hundred gazelles. I stared at him trying to find some kind of flaw in his flawless beauty it was almost blinding to look at him. He stopped in front of me his eyes a dark brown that seemed to have a timeless wisdom to them. “I’m Tim, you must be new here.”
“Don’t go with him if he asks you to go to the other side of the beach don’t do it.” Annie warned glowering at Tim with so much hate I was sure on look from her would kill anyone.
“Why not,” I replied frowning as I looked at him, his brows furrowed in confusion until he noticed what I was on did he take a step back, “Sorry Tim right?” I smiled at him finding him way to beautiful to ever want to be around.
“Megan, this guy is extremely dangerous, yes he is hot, but don’t fall for his looks please don’t go with him.” Annie pleaded turning her attention back on me.
“Yeah well I noticed y-”
“Tim, how rare it is to see you.” another voice came sounding husky yet very pleasant.
Turning I saw a golden skinned colored guy walking towards us steadily with purpose a scar going up his arms screamed danger, but drew me in the longer I looked at last I looked up into his tiger eye colored eyes that seemed so endless I just wanted to keep staring, in turn he studied me as well his lips tilting into an easy smile. “Finally.” Annie murmured looking happy at his arrival.
“I’m Paul, and you are?” he asked looking at me when he was close enough the scent of the fresh mountains and forest radiated off of him.
“M-Megan McLain.” I replied wondering why I was drawn to him, but not drawn to the flawless beauty of Tim, weird.
“Back off Paul I saw her first,” Tim growled out looking extremely pissed. “Claim is mine.”
“This isn’t your land so you back off, Tim.” Paul replied tension rolled off both of them in gigantic waves nearly crushing me with its sheer force.
Anger rose up in me as his words sunk in, “I’m sorry, but I’m not a toy no one owns me so you can just shut up and leave me the hell alone.” I replied glaring at him with what I’m sure paled next to Annie’s glares still it was something. Pissed off and a bit cranky from not having eaten anything I stormed off from both of them leaving Annie to follow me as I walked back to the house.
“I sense a sick version of twilight coming on.” she muttered.
Not understanding why she would say that I kept walking keeping my mouth shut secretly wanting Paul and yet I wanted nothing more than to get away from him, from the danger he seemed to radiate and those massive arms he had that I found extremely appealing, no keep your head straight a small voice in my head whispered, you’re only going to be here for two months at the most you don’t need any ties here. Mentally I cursed myself knowing that was all too true.
Last edited by DarkShadow on Sat Jun 11, 2011 3:35 am, edited 1 time in total.
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it wus good.but you had alot of errors and i wuz confused on a few things. and plus what hppnd to the other version you had? i like that one better than this one. keep writing!!
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Kayla here! :D

Alrirghty, I really liked your opening, about her red curls dancing in the wind. It gives the reader a really awesome mental image. The way you described the beach house was pretty cool, I liked how you portrayed the scene.

I really liked your characters, it was great. I liked how the characters were deep and pensive.They all had a good back ground and great description.

I think this could make a really cool story and I''m looking forward to reading more! Just let me know!

:D--Kayla!
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Hello there. :)

I see you have punctuation mistakes, so I'll quote the whole thing to make it easier to correct.
DarkShadow wrote:Chapter 1

I stopped in front of my aunt’s house Period. My red curly hair danced with the wind comma, making me look even more like a tourist if that at all was possible. It wasn’t the Scottish accent that made me stand out comma, no comma, I was relatively white in a tanned world, oh heavens help me Period. I sent a silent plea as I memorized the house I would be calling home for a month or two. It was a two story Victorian home with a beach front property that gave me great access to do my summer shots. My Nikon camera hung loosely on its strap as I bit my lip period. I hadn’t seen my aunt Sara in over 10 years and it was strange that after all those years of hating her brother comma, she would contact us at all.

I walked up the steps comma, taking a deep breath comma, calming the nervous butterflies in my stomach Period. This is really happening, I told myself comma, pausing in front of the large wooden door that separated me from the life I was going to have here while my parents went on vacation. Sighing comma, I lifted my finger up to the door bell and rang it twice Period. Hearing heavy foot falls headed her way comma, I instantly wanted to dive in a bush or something. To late, the door swung open wide comma, exposing a Skinny woman with light brown hair that was pulled into a bun and thin glasses that slid down her narrow nose Period.
*Space*
“You must be Megan McLain comma,” the woman said comma, her light brown eyes flickering over my bags.

“Yes I am comma, and you are?” I questioned Period. I didn’t want to be rude and not ask.

“Call me Beth Period. Your aunt is waiting for you in the library.”

Ok… Way to go on friendliness here. I thought to myself comma, wondering how I could survive here without being my usual chatty self, though I only really rambled when I was nervous or in my head. I watched Beth walk into the house then turn towards me comma, beckoning me in. Picking up my bags comma, I followed her in comma, glancing around warily Period. I wasn’t used to going into people's homes comma, I usually stayed to myself. I stopped just inside the door comma, placing my bag down andclasping my hands together behind my back.

“Well come on girl comma, she isn’t going to wait for you forever comma,” Beth called from the end of the hall in front of a door. Jumping up comma, I quickly walked over to her comma, pausing just a foot away as she stared me down comma, fixing what ever she thought was wrong with me with her eyes. I frowned and stared back at her, what was her problem?
*space*
“Well don’t just stand there, go in Period.” She gave me a light shove comma, which I answered with a glare; she was already pushing my buttons.

I walked in or was pushed in technically; stumbling over my own feet period. I steadied myself then glanced up at an elderly woman with surly white hair that was in a loose ponytail and her icy blue eyes that seemed to watch my every movement.
*space*
“Megan how was your trip?” she asked comma, her posture gave her the look of a woman who wasn’t dared to be disobeyed or refused no matter what.

Standing up comma, I tilted my chin up in defiance, “It was great thank you Sara.” I replied looking around the huge library that was filled with books, old books with leather bindings that sparked my curiosity immediately.

“You have everything in order?” she asked comma, her eyes narrowing in on my clothes, a light gray sweater and regular jean with flats.

“Mom and Dad are doing fine you know how it is, Dad wanted me to go to Hawaii with them, but was thrilled that you invited me here instead comma,” I replied comma, knowing she wasn’t really asking about them, but I wouldn’t dare leave them out when I had a bitter aunt.

“Is everything in order?” she asked again comma, her eyes glinted with annoyance.

“Yes.”

Seeming to know that was all she was going to get out of me comma, she rose up, to my surprise she was only a few inches taller than my 5’6 height. I was surprised my dad was an inch shorter than me and a few inches shorter than his sister. “I will show you to your room.”

Soon I realized that Aunt Sara didn’t use the words ‘would you like’ or ‘please’ Period. No comma, instead she used words like ‘I will’ or ‘I won’t’ comma, well so much for thinking she might actually be nice. I followed her out back into the hallway comma, picking up my bags as she went up the stairs onto the second floor Period. On the way comma, I noticed a family picture hanging on the wall, my dad was a stunningly cute little boy Period. I smirked as I thought of him now Period. What happened since then? Besides him was uncle Marcus comma, who looked the same as he always did I’d have to tease him about that later, then there was aunt Sara Period. She was the eldest of them but in this picture comma, she looked about my age with black straight hair and an easy smile that made me smile in response comma, only then did I really wonder what happened to her. Of course then uncle Tom died he was her husband and that must’ve hurt her deeply Period. Wounds like that didn't heal.
*Space*
She paused in front of a door comma, opening it after letting out a soft sigh Period. I followed her into the room comma, surprised that it looked... well comma, normal. A single bed with plaid covers and light green walls with a fish tank against the wall.
*Space*
“Thank you comma,” I stammered out comma, not really knowing what I was expecting for a room Period. Whatever it was comma, it was nothing compared to this.

“Dinner is at seven and I expect you to be there on time comma,” she replied stiffly comma, walking out the door Period. This was going to be the longest month of my life. Placing my bag in front of the dresser comma, I grabbed my camera and began my pictures one of the rooms comma, then I moved to the window comma, loving the view of the beach. Done with part of my subject comma, I put my camera on the bed and went to the mirror above the dresser and pulled out my brush. I looked for a moment comma, my dark green eyes looking tired comma,though I slept most of the way to get here. I shook my head comma, running my brush through my wild curls, already the sun seem to be setting. I glanced over my shoulder to see something dart across. I choked back a scream, looking directly at a woman with raven black hair and icy eyes, but looking extremely translucent.

“W-who are you?” I asked making a slow step towards the door.

“You can see me?”

I blinked, “It’s kind of not hard to not see you since you’re in my room and all comma,” I replied shakily.

The woman smiled comma, clapping her hands together, “Yes! Finally someone to talk to, and my name is Annie Marie, you are?”

“Extremely freaked out that you’re in my room,” I replied comma, staying still, watching her warily Period. “why are you in my room?”

“I was just passing by, going through walls comma, secretly haunting my fiancé who I have found out is a cheating whore monger comma,” Annie replied casually comma, shrugging as if it a normal conversation.

“Going through walls? Haunting your fiancé? You sound like a ghost.” At my words comma, she stared blankly at me and I finally got it. “No way in hells fire comma, are you a freaking ghost!” I exclaimed warily period. This was all too much for one day.
Annie raised a perfect eyebrow at me then grinned wickedly, “I can prove it Period.” In a blink of an eye she was standing in front of me smiling triumphantly Period. “Nothing alive can move like that.”

I shivered lightly Period. She was right comma, nothing could just be one place on second then another place the next second. She held up her hand and put it through my shoulder, she wasn’t just looking translucent but she could actually go through things Period. For a moment I relaxed comma, noting that she wasn’t going to hurt me until she coughed. I glanced at the clock by the bed stand comma, noticing it was 6:50, dinner was at seven.

“No one so far has seen you right?” I asked moving to the door again.

“…Right none so far, other than you of course, why?”

“I was just wondering what would happen if you went all over this house comma,” I replied noting that my aunt didn’t like anyone leaving the house unless she knew and well part of my segment was Rock Port, Texas revealed. I opened my door and smiled warmly at my new ghost friend.

“Stay here please.” I didn’t give her a chance to reply as I slammed the door shut and raced downstairs and into what could possibly pass as the goriest dinning room in history. I chocked back my horror as I stared at a deer head that looked back at me with those glassy eyes comma, all the time screaming murder at me. I glanced at the table to see Aunt Sara was already seated and waiting for the meal, which I hoped wasn’t me.

“Well sit down.” she commanded comma, staring me down.
Not giving her the satisfaction of knowing she scared the crap out of me comma, I calmly sat down comma, staring down at my glob soup. Hesitantly comma, I picked up my spoon and poked at it wondering just what my aunt was serving.

“Eat comma, you're too skinny for any man to want you Period. Best get your body filled with some meat comma.” Beth came in disturbing my thoughts Period. I wasn’t that skinny.

Smiling as convincingly as I could comma, I put my spoon down Period.

“Well that maybe true, but you’re as skinny as me right Beth?” I replied comma, shooting her a knowing glance.

I didn't finish your story because it's getting late here, and I think that if you edit it yourself, it's less probable that you'll do the same mistake. So, for the punctuation, I recommend you read your story aloud a few days after you've actually written it. That way, you'll see most of the punctuation mistakes and typos you've made. Normally, when you read aloud, you'll see when a sentence needs a comma (when you read it and you make a pause) or when you need a comma (when you read it and you change subjects and context, and you make a pause.)

Also, for dialogue thing. Normally, there's a comma when the sentence after the dialogue gives details about the dialogue itself. When the sentence doesn't talk about the way the character talked or even when there isn't a 'said', there should be a period. Normally, you'll see the reactions, the emotions, the character description...

That being said, I think you're plot looks good. It's a great beginning, and I'm looking forward to reading the next chapter. :)

Keep writing!

-Other One
Behind every mask, lies a man that can't live in his own skin. - Woe is Me <3
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