"Fight Alongside Me"

Spoiler

So-so. Needs work. Maybe inspired by Disgrace to Wolf.

I can hear your rasping breath
just barely
over the screams of footsteps
and my own dying lungs.

I’m running for you
to you
even as resentment surrounds and
lighting strikes where I’ve been.


I used to die on my own
to bleed on my own
to feel pain and cry all alone
but now you cry alongside me.


In your shadow I hesitate.
Your light is shining so brightly
and I’m terrified that if I embrace you
I’ll smother it.

But your bright arms reach out
and I am pressed against your heart
and I am healed
because even if there’s fists pounding against my back
my front is pressed against yours.


I used to endure on my own
to be bruised on my own
to fall and rise all alone
but now you rise alongside me.


I won’t be right behind you,
I won’t let you protect me.
If you get hurt
it is better if we’re hurt the same.

You run with me in the storm
and your hand clasps mine.
Even as the world turns against us,
we’ll say, together,

“I used to hurt on my own
to suffer on my own
to struggle and fight all alone
but now-

You fight alongside me.”

Can't offer much in terms of advice, but I just wanted to say that I really liked your work!

In your shadow I hesitate.
Your light is shining so brightly
and I’m terrified that if I am embrace you
I’ll smother it.

This was a favorite line of mine, I guess because I feel like I can relate to it a bit.

I won’t be right behind you,
I won’t let you protect me.
If you get hurt, it is
better if we’re hurt the same.

The only thing with this verse was that the last part of the third line seemed to belong at the beginning of the forth line, but I can see how that wouldn't work so well either. It just seemed a little out of place to me, but I don't really know much about poetry and overall it turned out very nicely.

<..> Kat

This is really good. It has a lot of feelings to it, and it gives you a thought of how much these two people love and care for each other. I really like the lines,
"because even if there’s fists pounding against my back
my front is pressed against yours."
It really shows me that even against all the world that as long as these people have each other they will always live on. Excellent!

I really, really like this beautiful piece! It says so much about friends and comrades that everyone can relate to, and yet it sets a goal to think like that and be the person to fight alongside someone else. (I really hope that just made sense.)

Since I can't come up with anything you could really to make this whole piece any better, I'll try being super picky and point out the one thing I noticed:

I used to endure on my own
to get bruised on my own

I don't know if it's just personal preference or what, but I would have put 'to be bruised on my own'. 'Get' somehow breaks the mood. I really didn't notice anything else, other than what I believe is a typo or human error ("and I'm terrified that if I am embrace you...").

Again, this is absolutely beautiful - keep writing!

This was really good! It had feeling and the word choices were nice. Well, now for the full review. As always, my comments will be in blue.

I can hear your rasping breath
just barely
over the screams of footsteps
and my own dying lungs.Not your strongest stanza in my opinion, but still really good.

I’m running for you
to you
even as resentment surrounds and
lighting strikes where I’ve been.Good metaphor, really!


I used to die on my own
to bleed on my own
to feel pain and cry all alone
but now you cry alongside me.This is so sweet, and strong. Very good!


In your shadow I hesitate.
Your light is shining so brightly
and I’m terrified that if I embrace you
I’ll smother it.

But your bright arms reach out
and I am pressed against your heart
and I am healed
because even if there’s fists pounding against my back
my front is pressed against yours.This is definitely my least favorite stanza. The flow doesn't seem right, and it isn't as powerful to me. :/


I used to endure on my own
to be bruised on my own
to fall and rise all alone
but now you rise alongside me.You picked it back up again with this- really great! Probably my favorite part...


I won’t be right behind you,
I won’t let you protect me.
If you get hurt
it is better if we’re hurt the same.

You run with me in the storm
and your hand clasps mine.
Even as the world turns against us,
we’ll say, together,

“I used to hurt on my own
to suffer on my own
to struggle and fight all alone
but now-

You fight alongside me.”

The last stanza then this line make an excellent ending.

This was actually better than you gave it credit for. Sure, every poem has a few kinks to work out, you know? But this was very attention-grabbing, and I found no major mistakes at all. Great work! Never stop writing!