The Slaughterhouse

Spoiler

The title might've been a bit of a give away. But anyways...
Feel free to tear it apart.
*Edited*

Welcome, unknowing tourists!
We have all sorts of beautiful trees here,
Come closer, have a look,
Yes, see the exquisite, lavish colours?

Well, come on!
You won’t see anything that far away.
Come and have a walk with me.
Yes, yes it is mesmerising.

Hmmh?
The lights are dimmer?
Haven't you seen the electricity bills?
The nerve of them!

This way, we have more this way!
No, don’t stray away from the path,
You’ll get lost. Not to mention-
This way.

What?
Why is there a maroon stain there?
Oh that,
Must be some careless tourist.

That’s all, nothing to worry about.
Keep coming.
Yes, yes that is a steel door.
With more wonders behind it.

Hear that? The whirring machine?
The spinning, wicked blades?
No, no, no, you can’t go back now.
There’s still so much more to see.

Yes, that’s it.
Jumped into it bravely.
Well done.
Who’s next?

Ooh. Creepy. XD
I like the way it was built, and how you repeated words to give it a special affect. Liked reading it.
Loved the "Who's next?".

Not me! XD

Whoa, I found this really...creepy, but sort of humorous. I don't really know. It was epic. Here's what I noticed:

Welcome, unknowing tourists! Beautiful opening.
We have all sorts of beautiful trees here,
Come closer, have a look,
Yes, see the exquisite, lavish colours?

Well, come on, I'd put a ! here.
You won’t see anything that far away. And here.
Come and have a walk with me.
Yes, yes it is mesmerising.

This way, we have more this way. !
No don’t stray away from the path, Semicolin?
You’ll get lost.
This way.

What?
Why is there a maroon stain there?
Oh that,
Must be some careless tourist.

That’s all, nothing to worry about.
Keep coming.
Yes, yes that is a steel door.
With more wonders behind it.

Hear that? The whirring machine?
The spinning, wicked blades?
No, no, no, you can’t go back now.
There’s still so much more to see.

Yes, that’s it.
Jumped into it bravely.
Well done.
Who’s next?

Okay, well, the bell just rang, but I really liked this!!! Keep up the great work!!

Can I say creepy much? Very well written, indeed. You have a nice nonchalant feel to it, especially for such a grim idea.

Hi Miracles! Here to review as requested! ^.^

First of all, I'm just going to say that I really actually did like this poem. (It surprised me at first, because the title sort of threw me off. ) I think that one of my hooks personally was that it reminded me of one of my characters. xD He's one of my favorites, personally...

But anyways, there was definitely, as the previous reviewers mentioned, a bit of a creepy feel to it, and the nonchalance of your voice in the poem adds a lot to that. The way that this poem was written was simple and easy to follow, easy to understand - which is all fine and dandy. (Actually, it's quite wonderful.)

But the thing is - some of it just seems a little too... easily read in some parts. It has that creepy factor, but it lacks the chilling feeling. One way to grab that chill-factor would probably be to play around with your wording and phrasing a little, add something darker-sounding to the mix. At the same time, I really don't want you to get rid of all of the simplicity - just spice it up in some areas.

Now, avoid cliches at the same time - don't go around mentioning 'crimson-red' anything, for starters. And don't put too much drama and 'terror' in it, either - just sprinkle a few lines here and there, where they fit and make sense. The ending of the poem was what grew more intense, which I'm sure is what your intentions were - it's where the poem nears the middle that could use a little more 'dark.' Where you mentioned the maroon stain was excellent, by the way. That's the kind of thing I'm talking about.

Anyways, please note that this review is all based on my own opinion, and you definitely don't have to change anything here unless you think that it'll help. xD

Keep writing,
~~Ish.

Creepy. XD I'll just go over the poem, stanza by stanza.

Welcome, unknowing tourists!
We have all sorts of beautiful trees here,
Come closer, have a look,
Yes, see the exquisite, lavish colours?

That was an awesome opening. The nonchalant way you write about this eerie subject is awesome.

Well, come on,
You won’t see anything that far away.
Come and have a walk with me.
Yes, yes it is mesmerising.

Once again, well written stanza. The only thing is that there should be another comma after the second yes in the last line of this stanza. Other than that, awesome.

This way, we have more this way.
No don’t stray away from the path,
You’ll get lost.
This way.

The one thing about this stanza is that after the No in the second line, there should be a comma.

What?
Why is there a maroon stain there?
Oh that,
Must be some careless tourist.

Ha! This stanza's quite comedic in an odd way. Awesome job.

That’s all, nothing to worry about.
Keep coming.
Yes, yes that is a steel door.
With more wonders behind it.

A steel door. Nothing to worry about there. XD

Hear that? The whirring machine?
The spinning, wicked blades?
No, no, no, you can’t go back now.
There’s still so much more to see.

I love it!

Yes, that’s it.
Jumped into it bravely.
Well done.
Who’s next?

What a strangely comedic way to end off a strangely comedic poem. Well written, and I really enjoyed it . There are a few things I'd like to point out about it, though. Like, the rhythm seems a bit off to me. I'm not really good about that type of thing, though, so it might very well sound right out loud. I really liked it, though. It's unique, different in a good way. I love the way you wrote it in an eerie, nonchalant kind of way. This was definitely an interesting poem. The plot seemed creepy, but still good. And your punctuation and grammar was stellar. Awesome job on that. Like I said, I really enjoyed this poem. Awesome job.

I usually don't like creepy things, but this one I liked. Only two negative things: dried blood is brown (but maybe it wasn't dried yet, but then it wouldn't be a stain), and jumped into what? Other then that, really good job. Just the right amount of creepy without it being gross and gory. I also enjoyed the moral, although I'm not certain you intended it to have a moral...

Hey, wow
This is really good! I love the style, the structure, and the subject (yes... please, don't ask)
All'st I would suggest is making it a bit more bloody; and trimming up the ending a bit more.
But only if you were planning on editing it. It doesn't really need it.
I love these kinds of poems - well done, well done *Follows!!!*

This was awesome. It started so simply that I thought I would be interested, but you lead my interest in a rising climax all the way to the end. Creeped the hell out of me too, which was the point I suppose. So overall, pretty darn amazing.

This is great.

Really spooky and haunting.

I love your use of a single dialouge here, and the sort of faulse cheerfullness. It really adds to the scary in this poem. I love the kind of coldness this narrator gives off it is really very creepy.

So really good job.

*Scream* I don't wanna be eaten!!!!!!

Very nice poem, dark and sinister and eeeevil. I liked it.
I saw no mistakes and the whole thing flowed really well, so there's nothing to nitpick - hooray!
So, great poem, no nitpicks, congrats on giving me the shivers *shudder*.

Keep writing,
Alzora

This is not bad, not bad at all.

"You’ll get lost. Not to mention-"

lol'd at that bit.

I didn't think it was as creepy as everyone else did. See...I just thought it was about cows getting slaughtered. Maybe it was?

Overall, it was pretty cool, if a little short.

Hello there
Haha I think you have a good few reviews, so I'll spare you the essay, but that's a kick ass little piece you have there. Its good that you have a title that sort of sets your mindframe up for reading it. I was halfway through going "no no no I'm going to die must turn around must stop reading I'm going to die!" Haha, but I couldn't! Because it was good, haunting and it made me panic but good!
Well done

Creepy, but very good! I liked the casual attitude of this, as if the person had been through the process a billion times. Here we go- my comments will be blue:
[/quote]Welcome, unknowing tourists!
We have all sorts of beautiful trees here,
Come closer, have a look,
Yes, see the exquisite, lavish colours?<- I liked this. It seemed to take the focus off, to distract the "unknowing tourists" from what was really happening.

Well, come on!
You won%u2019t see anything that far away.
Come and have a walk with me.<- Seemingly friendly; definitely a red herring! (look it up. ) Good.
Yes, yes it is mesmerising.

Hmmh?
The lights are dimmer?
Haven't you seen the electricity bills?
The nerve of them! <-Great excuse!

This way, we have more this way!<- I actually don't like the repetition of this; I see what you're saying, but it's a little confusing and could mess with the flow.
No, don%u2019t stray away from the path,
You%u2019ll get lost. Not to mention-
This way.<-I liked this! How the speaker stopped short... very good

What?
Why is there a maroon stain there?
Oh that,
Must be some careless tourist.<- Ooohh...

That%u2019s all, nothing to worry about.
Keep coming.
Yes, yes that is a steel door.
With more wonders behind it.He's so uncaring, even though he knows what is to come!

Hear that? The whirring machine?
The spinning, wicked blades?
No, no, no, you can%u2019t go back now.Can't turn back now?
There%u2019s still so much more to see.Not neccesarily bad, but why say there's still more to see when no one will be seeing anything else besides death?

Yes, that%u2019s it.
Jumped into it bravely.
Well done.
Who%u2019s next?<- Spooky ending! I liked it though.[/quote]
This was very attention- keeping. It could be slightly confusing at parts (before I reread it), but it was still a good poem. The way you made it sort of a monologue was interesting and sort of new, so... good job here! My only critique would be, try to be a bit more descriptive. Altogether good work, though.