All is Calm

All is calm.

Moonlight shines a motherly comfort,
preening the iridescent water
as the ocean rolls in it's bed.
Saltwater sheets drift over the sand,
constellations a complex mobile in the sky--
they dance with the palm trees' sway--
a dolphin's fin emerges gleaming with water,
then cuts a thin line: air and sea.

For a moment, all was well and sweet,
a substitution for home in this cruel place;
the moon commands all that is seen.
A deep breath let in the tang of salt
high tide pulling the peace away--
the waves crash into the walls,
seaweed slaps fear into dreams,
imagination floods with crazy images
of man-eaters and death;
a face appears in the sand,
a scream pierces the silence
and echoes off the turbulent waters.

Time drips off the wet balconies
one a.m., then two, and three,
yet no sleep follows behind
just fear, just a hint of insanity
tugging at an already churning stomach,
becoming sea-sick without even braving the waters.
The dark, monstrous bodies attacking the land
by command of the once motherly moon.

White sheets of rain pour down,
attacking the windows-- rap ra-rap rap,
fervent wind howling at the moon,
an ugly screech scratching the walls--
it yells across the ocean--
the water hisses as it hits the sand.

The chaos cumbersome, the moon overwhelmed;
she calls for a decrescendo of rain.
Her eyes fog the beach and the windows
to the diffuse pitter-patter of her tears.

The moon begins to sink into the water,
and the sun emerges,
awoke by the chaos that reigned with the moon.
He demands the ocean behave with a blinding brilliance,
and myriad waves nod in conform;
the presence in the sky re-instates peace to the water.

All is calm.

Hi, Icanbefixed!

So, I completely love this. Your imagery is wonderful and the narrative you tell with it is excellently done. You’re describing everything that happens with such a precise turn of phrase that it all fits together so that the larger picture is just as fascinating as the smaller snippet events. I feel somewhat that it is a little long, but I have a love for short poetry so this may only be my own bias stepping up to the plate. Something I have noticed as I wrote the next paragraph wandered away for a moment and returned is that this is not memorable. This sounds odd, considering I rather love it, however it is true. I could easily forget – and almost have already – the imagery you’ve used and the words you have. I know that it is good, that the imagery is wonderful and your language is great but I only vaguely recall the feeling of reading it and the emotion in the poem. This is something I think you should consider. While the poem is technically good, it’s missing some very important something in there. I say something rather than a specific element because I am as yet unsure of what makes a poem memorable. It should be excellent writing and wonderful content, but you have these while your poem is regrettably forgettable.

Consider reading this aloud. Then, pull it apart until you have bare bones and remake it from the bottom to the top – or top to bottom, middle to sides, whatever works for you. This should make it clear what phrases stick in your mind and which ones work best with what you’re telling us. I feel horrid for suggesting you break such a wonderful poem apart but I also condone keeping ALL versions of a poem you make, every edit. Seeing the process helps, and knowing where you’ve been does as well.

I am very interested, though, how you came about creating this poem, and whether you get sea sick yourself at all? This feels like sea sickness, to me, the roiling underbelly of the ship seems to be what your body is made of, and you are forever drowning in the slam of waves against your bow. Ah, you inspire the random prose from me! It’s wondrous and I am very glad you posed this.

If you have any questions or comments or want to chat, please pm me!

*Hearts* Le Penguin.

The one issue I had with this poem was the irregularity of the punctuation. You seem to have an aversion to periods, and while I can understand why you'd leave out full stops (since it ties into the flowing theme of the water), you also drop a lot of commas in some areas, yet include them in others. It really distracted me, and it was a bit confusing in places, especially at the last three lines of the second stanza; I originally read them as a list, so when I came across the last line, I did a double take, and not in the good way. Being a bit more generous with the commas (at least; some more semicolons/m-dashes wouldn't hurt) or playing with the stanza breaks would help make the meaning of various lines much clearer on the first read-through without sacrificing the chaotically flowing feel of the poem.

As far as your imagery goes, you have a very good base, but it's made a bit bland and forgettable by your use of bland and ordinary words, such as "well", "sweet", "cruel", etc. Using more specific, colorful words scattered throughout would make the descriptions more interesting to read, and more vivid. Right now, while you did a good job of including vivid verbs, your vivid adjectives and nouns are quite lacking. The more vivid an image is, the more memorable, but right now, you're lacking a bit in the vivid-imagery-enhanced-by-vivid-vocabulary department. Try experimenting with more specific synonyms for those common words, but be careful not to go too overboard or too obscure. You want just enough to add flavor, but not so much that it's overpowering.

I have to agree with my predecessor here - your punctuation use was very scattered and not altogether great. I loved all the deep and intense imagery you conveyed, and you used some unconventional images which made the poem that much more interesting, so I congratulate you there. Just fix the issues with grammar, etc. and apart from that, there's little that needs to be looked at again.