[Contest Entry]

8 posts
User avatar
Gender Female
Points 1236
Reviews 15
Silence lingered in the midst of the ocean,
The waves crashed undetected.
The mist settled on its chaotic surface,
Portraying a masquerade to the sky,
That stood obliviously above it,
The wind swept by and agitated the sea,
Still silent the waves swelled.

It triggered a spark somewhere in the distance,
A tree stood in solitude,
Tall on the hill,
It ignited the fuel and spread like poison,
Like the waves crashing down,
The flames consumed the tree,
And danced in the wind,
It tormented the vines,
And the fuel seeped into the ocean,

As the wind continued,
So did the flames,
They rolled into the sea,
And destroyed the masquerade,
Evaporating all existence,
Of the previous form,
All remaining laid the bed,
A bed of thorns.


Grapevine Fires - Death Cab For Cutie
Last edited by MeganWeaver on Thu Jun 30, 2011 6:22 am, edited 1 time in total.
Keep your face to the sun,
That way you never see the shadows. :]




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 1147
Reviews 374
I like your voice and imagery. I think you should break it up into more than one stanza. It's a good poem and I like it. I think you could work on the flow and teeny tiny bit more.
When I was young, I admired clever people. Now that I am old, I admire kind people.
-Abraham Joshua Heschel




Random avatar
Gender None specified
Points 1209
Reviews 15
My opinion is pretty much the same as the last review.
Work on flow . . . seperate into stanzas . . .overall nice :)
~HopeisPeace




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 2664
Reviews 113
I absolutley loved this! At first, I was kind of confused at what it was about, but then when I read the name of the song, I understood. So, yeah, I think you really only need to split this into three stanza's. One from the first line to the word swelled. Then from it triggered to the fuel seeped into the ocean. And then as the wind continued to a bed of thorns. I really liked the imagery in here. Except there is one problem. I feel like there may be a little too much imagery. Its all imagery and though it sounds good, it all kind of blends together, at least for me. Although maybe splitting it into stanza's would help that. Anyways, I hated two words. First, i hate dthe word obliviously because at first glance it looks like obviously. That may need to be changed, I don't know. The other word I hated was actually a whole line. It tormented the vines alight. Personally, this line really doesn't make much sense. The word alight shound definatly be replaced, perhaps with...I don't really know. Just something else.

Other than that, this poem was magnificently magnificent.
Emmy
When all you have is nothing, there is alot to go around.




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 1236
Reviews 15
Apologies for the delayed replies everyone, I haven't had time to sit on here and do so.

tgirly - Thank you for your comment :] I hope you feel the stanza's are appropriate now :]
Hopeispeace - Thank you for your comment also. :]
Emmylou - I have replaced the line you didn't like by taking off the alight. However I couldn't think of a good enough word to replace obliviously for so I have left it.


Thank you all again for your lovely comments I hope you enjoyed my poetry as I will be posting more soon hopefully :]
Keep your face to the sun,
That way you never see the shadows. :]




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 1147
Reviews 374
Your welcome, it definitely has more flow now. Good job. I LOVE your avvie! :P
-tgirly
When I was young, I admired clever people. Now that I am old, I admire kind people.
-Abraham Joshua Heschel




Random avatar
Gender None specified
Points 1080
Reviews 6




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 1236
Reviews 15
Thank you tgirly :D I thought I'd put it up because i've recently got the pajamas that have that on xD
Keep your face to the sun,
That way you never see the shadows. :]



As a writer, I'm more interested in what people tell themselves happened rather than what actually happened.
— Kazuo Ishiguro