Sometimes (working title) Chapter two

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So thank you to everyone who either read or commented on chapter one! I'm really starting to like writing this story so I'd really appreciate any feedback at all - good or bad. Again, I'm sorry it's so long.



Brownies from Keke’s are amazing. They’re all, melt in your mouth and moist and sugary. I could probably eat four in a day, even more if I’m on one of my chocolate kicks. I’d just popped the last crumbs into my mouth as I stepped into the hallway of the house I shared with my mum, dad and older sister, Leanne. I kicked off my boots before padding across the carpet and into the kitchen where I almost bumped straight into Mum.

“So that’s why you’re home late,” she said, eyeing the brownie wrapper that I had in my hand.

I shrugged. “Cassie made me go with her to get her belly pierced and I was hungry on the way home so we stopped off at Keke’s.”

At the sound of Cassie’s name, Mum’s eyebrows raised and I had to stop myself from smiling; she knows better than to get involved where Cassie is concerned. Besides, Cassie will tell her mum eventually. Be it by accident.

“And what did you get me from Keke’s, sis?”

Mum had gone back to cooking tea and I turned around to face Leanne.

“An empty wrapper,” I said with a smile, offering her the green plastic wrapper in my hand.

“Well that’s an anti-climax,” Leanne said. “I’m starving.”

“Tea will be in half an hour,” Mum said from behind me. “I hope you eat yours, Harriet.”

I rolled my eyes and shoved the wrapper into my jeans pocket. “I will.”

“Do you wanna see the top I brought to wear to the gig tomorrow?” Leanne asked, following me up the stairs and on to the landing.

“Sure. Let me dump my bag in my room and then I’ll be in.”

Leanne was waiting for me by her wardrobe when I entered her room a couple of minutes later. Cassie had text me to say that she was tempted to take the plaster off of her stomach already so I’d replied saying that she’d be a fool if she did. My phone bleeped again from my room but I ignored it and took a seat on Leanne’s bed.

“Show me then.”

Leanne rifled through the masses of clothes stored in her wardrobe before pulling out something dark purple. She held it up in front of her so that I could get a better view.

“It’s really nice,” I said, feeling a little jealous. Leanne always seemed to have better clothes than me and this new top, complete with sequins, chains and glitter, didn’t help to ease my jealousy. “You’ll look amazing in that.”

Leanne grinned. “Thanks. I was thinking of wearing it with a pair of black shorts and my tights with the holes in. Or maybe my studded leggings.”

“You’ll look amazing whatever.”

She tilted her head to the side and raised her eyebrows at me. “What’s up with you?”

I sighed, realising my jealousy must have leaked into my voice. “Nothing.”

“It can’t be nothing.”

“But it is,” I replied, getting up from her bed. “I’ve got to go text Cassie back.”

“What did that Barbie doll want?”

I rolled my eyes at Leanne. “I wish you wouldn’t call her that.”

“I can’t help it. She looks like a Barbie wannabe so that’s what I’m gonna call her.”


“Well, Cassie got her belly button pierced today.”

Leanne hung her new top back in her wardrobe before turning to face me. “God help us. Let me guess, she didn’t ask her mum first?”

I shook my head. “This is Cassie we’re talking about.”

“Well you better go and text her back before she thinks you’ve died or something.”

I waved a hand lazily at Leanne before heading back to my room.

Throwing my hair up into a pony-tail, I gazed out of my bedroom window at the next door neighbours cat. Arnie was stretched out along the three foot high brick wall, basking in the last of today’s rays of sunlight. Leanne had joked numerous times that the tabby cat and I shared the same hair colour and it was only now, with the sun shining down on him, that I could see the resemblance. Cassie had been adamant when she first met me that I dyed my hair to get it both light and dark brown, but now after six years of friendship, she seemed to have dropped the idea that it wasn’t natural. Besides, she was the one who dyed her hair blonde every other week.

My phone bleeped again and I realised that I hadn’t text Cassie back yet. I hurried over to my desk to reply; the last thing I wanted was her mad at me because she thought I was ignoring her.

“Hey, Harriet.”

I spun around, phone in hand, to see Leanne standing just outside my bedroom.

“Do you want this? I was going to give it to you the other day but forgot.”

A smile stretched across my face as I saw what she was holding out in front of her.

“You’re giving my your ‘Haunted Vegas’ t-shirt? Really?”

Leanne nodded. “It’s too small for me. Besides, they’ve got a new line of merchandise coming out soon.”

“Thanks, Leanne.”

She smiled before throwing the t-shirt at me. “Just don’t wreck it.”

“I won’t,” I replied, shaking my head.

Leanne disappeared from view and I heard her footsteps descending the stairs, just as I held the t-shirt up in front of me. I’d fallen in love with this top ever since Leanne had come home from a gig with it almost two years back. It wasn’t as vibrant a blue as it had been back then and the logo was a little faded, but it still seemed to make the jealousy I’d been feeling disappear in a flash. And that is why I could never, ever, hate Leanne.

“Is it supposed to hurt like this?”

I lifted my gaze from my History assignment for what felt like the hundredth time since class had begun half an hour ago. I shrugged.

“Because it really hurts. It stings and burns and I think it’s infected.”

“Don’t touch it then.” I raised my eyebrows pointedly at the sight of Cassie’s hand on the plaster that was covering her piercing.

“I can’t help it,” she replied. “It’s like when you get a giant zit and you can’t help but pick it.”

I grimaced at the image Cassie had just forced into my mind. “Maybe if you picked up your pen and did some work, you’d be less likely to touch it.”

She pouted. “Get you, miss stroppy.”

“I’m not stoppy,” I insisted. “I’m just bored of hearing how much pain you’re in. Have you told your mum yet?”

Cassie gaped at me as if I were mad. “Of course not. I don’t want my head bitten off.”

“Well what are you going to do when she finds out about it?”

My question hung in the air for a moment while Mr. Henderson fixed the two of us with a ‘Get on with your work’ look.

“We’ll figure that out when the time comes,” she said, looking satisfied with the answer she’d given me.

I rolled my eyes at her choice of words. It always seemed to end up as ‘we’ where Cassie’s plans were involved.

Thankfully by lunchtime, Cassie seemed to have forgotten about how much pain she was in. Instead, she was intent on getting me to give Brandon a chance. She’d given me a death glare when I’d shot him down earlier when he’d stopped me outside English.

“You’re such a liar.”

I exhaled deeply. “No. I am working. Just not on Wednesday night.”

“Well you can go with him then.”

“Cassie.”

She pointed her fork at me. “Harriet.”

“You can’t make me go on a date with him.”

“Maybe not. But I can keep on and on until you give in and go.”

I cocked an eyebrow. “Yeah?”

Cassie hovered the fork less than an inch from my nose. “Trust me.”

We had a mini stare off for a brief moment until we both noticed someone standing at our table.
I surveyed the girl wearing the chequered shirt for a second, before realising who it was.

“Hey, Lara. You’ve had your hair cut.”

Lara’s hand flew to her dark brown hair. “Do you like it?”

I nodded.

“It looks like someone cut it with blunt scissors,” Cassie muttered.

I kicked her under the table and she pinched my leg in return.

“I hope I’m not interrupting something,” Lara said and I noticed her gazing warily at Cassie and I.

“No, we’re just eating lunch.” I gestured to my unopened lunch box with an awkward smile. “Sit down. There’s plenty of room.”

Lara shifted on the spot. “Thanks but I’m actually on my way to the library.”

Cassie laughed under her breath. “Figures.”

I slapped her leg. “Oh.”

“Yeah, I just wanted to give you the heads up actually. Apparently Mr. Lloyd’s planning a major shake-up where the seating plan’s concerned. Something about too much chatting and not enough working.”

“Sounds about right. Thanks for the info.”

Lara smiled. “No problem. See you around.”

Cassie waited until Lara was just out of ear shot before she dropped her fork and punched my arm. “I thought we agreed not to talk to her?”

I studied Cassie’s frown and tried not to laugh. She looked like a toddler that was being denied their favourite toy.

“Really? You’re still on this?”

Cassie stuck her nose in the air and flicked her hair, wafting her sickly sweet perfume my way. “Umm, yes. Harriet, she stole my boyfriend.”

I almost let my forehead smack into the metal lunch table. “He wasn’t your boyfriend.”

“I practically had him in my clutches. Seriously, if she’d have stayed ugly for another week then Mike Finnegan would have been mine. But no! She had to go abroad and come back looking all tanned and lovely.” Cassie picked her fork back up and began stirring her lunch around her plate. “I hate her.”

“She did nothing wrong,” I said, sneaking a look over at the canteen doors just in time to see Lara leaving with Mike in tow.

“Nothing except steal the only thing that can ever make me happy.” She pouted “What does she have that I don’t?”

I shut my eyes. “Please don’t start.”

Cassie shook me. “H. This is serious.”

“Can’t I eat in peace?”

“You have your eyes shut. You can’t eat with your eyes shut.”

“Yes I can,” I replied, feeling around for my lunch box.

“Harriet! You’re supposed to be my friend.”

Here we go again...

I don’t usually like English with Mr. Lloyd on a Friday afternoon, but today I couldn’t wait to get inside. Not if it meant two hours away from Cassie.

I waved to Lara as I joined the rest of the class at the back of our English room.

“Now. When I call your name, I would like you to step forward and I will assign you your new seat,” Mr Lloyd said. He had a clip board held out in front of him and he was wearing his reading glasses.

Someone behind me swore loudly.

Mr Lloyd appeared not to have noticed. “Patrick Hill. Front, right hand side with Janie Kingly.”

Someone wolf whistled as Janie begrudgingly followed Patrick to their newly assigned seats.

“Nina De’Campo and Ross Healy. Next desk back.”

I shuffled on the spot .

“Fredrick Patterson and Kelley Fitzgerald. You know the drill.”

I gazed around at the remaining students standing up, then at the already occupied desks. And then it hit me. We were being seated boy, girl. How old are we? Thirteen. I sighed to myself and allowed my mind to wonder over the possible contenders for a new desk buddy, until I reached a certain someone that I definitely didn’t want to be seated next to.

“Brandon Smith.”

I held my breath like my life depended on it.

“And Hilary Swath.”

I breathed out in relief, just as Brandon passed me by, looking a little put out. I gave him my best sympathetic smile when inside I was jumping for joy. Then I heard my name being called.

“Harriet Collins.”

I glanced at the boys standing around me. Please don’t be an idiot.

“And Aiden Jackson.”

Hmm. Aiden Jackson. Where do I start? Well, actually, I don’t know. He was in my science class in year eleven, but I never spoke to him. He, like me, is an average, blurs into the background kid. He’s not immensely popular, but he’s not a geek either. Appearance wise, he’s a skinny jeans, band tee, chequered shirt kind of guy. Like most of the guys in my college year. Apart from Brandon of course, who’s the English version of what American’s would call a jock; designer jeans and polo shirt wearing athlete.

It was only when I heard Mr. Lloyd calling out the next set of names that I realised I should probably take my seat. I wandered slowly over to the desk that I’d been assigned and awaited the cringe worthy, first impression. Just don’t fall over and you’ll be fine. Thankfully, I made it to the table still in one piece and took my seat without doing anything stupid.

I was just arranging my notebook and pen when a tingle down my spine informed me that I was being watched. I looked wearily to my left to see what appeared to be my new desk buddy, staring at my chest. Yay! A pervert. I coughed to try and break his gaze. It worked.

“My face is up here.”

Aiden flushed almost immediately, realising that he’d been caught. “I wasn’t. I mean. I was looking at.”

“I get it,” I said, lifting my hands to shoulder height. “You’re a teenage guy. But can you please try and keep your eyes off.”

“I was checking out your t-shirt actually.”

I raised my eyebrows and tried to keep a sarcastic smile from crossing my face. “Sure.”

He shook his head forcefully which resulted in his mop of dark blonde hair looking messier than before. “No. Honest. I just couldn’t believe you had a ’Haunted Vegas’ t-shirt on.”

“Oh.” I wasn’t sure whether to believe him or not, so I decided to just forget about it.

I gave him a slight smile before picking up my pen to write today’s date at the top of my page.

I heard him clear his throat. “Have you seen them live?”

Looking back up, I was pleased to find his eyes focused on my face this time. “No. I want to though, but their tickets always sell out too fast.” I pointed to the material of my t-shirt with my pen. “This was my sister’s. She’s seen them twice.”

Aiden looked impressed and I couldn’t help feeling a little pride towards my cooler sister. “Lucky her. What band’s have you seen then?”

I was saved the embarrassment of replying ‘none’ by Mr. Lloyd announcing that class was starting.
'Stop wishing for the sunshine. Start living in the rain.' - Kids In Glass Houses.

'Would you destroy something perfect in order to make it beautiful?' - MCR artwork.




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She pouted. “Get you, miss stroppy.”

“I’m not stoppy,” I insisted. “I’m just bored of hearing how much pain you’re in. Have you told your mum yet?”
Not sure if it is supposed to be that or not. A few mistakes you will find on the re-read, but overall good.
when you grow up you realize that Prince Charming is not as easy to find as you thought. You realize the bad guy is not wearing a black cape and he's not easy to spot; he's really funny, and he makes you laugh, and he has perfect hair and isnt wearing a black cape and easy to spot Lots of Love Jenn




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Sorry it's taken me a while, but finally, I'm hereeeeee. :P

Okay, so I like this so far, Dudette! It's a really nice, easy novel to follow actually. You seem to have a good balance of things here, so really well done for that. I'm liking your characters, so they're keeping my attention and I'm interested in what will happen to them. I'm a fan of 'High School' books, even though I suck at writing them myself... so this is right up my street.

To be honest, I don't really have much else to add since my last critique. The things that stood out to me here were similar to the things I noticed in the first chapter, the main one being that this has a telly kind of feel to it in places. The good thing is that by having the same thing for me to critique in this, I did notice a pattern. What I notice is that when you introduce characters, you tend to tell us a pile of information about them. In the last chapter, I remember you telling us quite a bit about Cassie, and in this chapter, for example, you told us quite a bit about Aiden and Brandon when you introduced them. You told us how Aiden is one of those rocker kids, went into some detail, then went on to say that Brandon was like the British version of a jock. It just seemed... out of place, I guess.

Instead of telling us that Aiden's the kind of guy who wears skinny jeans and what not, show us. Describe his clothes: us readers are smart enough to figure out what kind of people wear certain clothes. Don't just tell us that he's the kind of kind who blurs into the background, but show us that through his personality. You could even do something like have Cassie ask Harriet who she was sitting by later on, then when Harriet tells her, it takes Cassie a while to figure out who the guy is. That's a pretty bad example, but do you get what I mean? Just make sure you never use phrases like He She's the kind of guy/girl who does... and He/She is... If you have a phrase similar to those in your writing, it's rarely a good sign.

There is one last thing that's bothering me, but the thing is, I can't 100% say what it is... >.< It's kind of like a niggling at the back of my mind, you know? I think it has something to do with Harriet's life... Hmmm, okay. In ways, her life seems too... perfect? She doesn't seem to have any goals or anything. I mean, there are negatives to her like the way she's jealous of her sister, but other than that, she's very... normal. Too normal, I guess. I don't expect you to make her parents wild alcoholics and make her have a dead twin or something... but I don't know, maybe you could add something to her that makes her especially interesting or different. The main problem with it right now is that I think it's almost making this feel a bit slow. I want something to happen. :P

Also, on a side note, what happened to Sonny? He wasn't mentioned here, not that I expect him to be mentioned everywhere in every chapter, but hey, you get what I mean.

Overall, so far, so good!

Keep writing,

xoxo Skins
I didn't know what to put here so I put this.




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Hello Dudette, I'm here for another review. :)

I didn't think I found any nitpicks in this chapter. There's the transitions again, they could be a little more slick, but it's a little better then the first chapter.

I don't have anything to say plot wise either. It's doing great! Sonny wasn't mentioned, and I'm not saying I wanted to see him, or even see her obsessed with him. BUT, I'm hoping we see him in the next chapter because we don't want to forget about him, do we? Also, the first chapters are crucial for us to understand her relationship with Sonny, plus his personality and stuff.

Last but not least... Aiden, is he important? He looks awesome and gorgeous. LOVE him! And Sonny with his lip ring... Mmm. ;)

Keep on writing!

-Other One
Behind every mask, lies a man that can't live in his own skin. - Woe is Me <3
Need a reviewer? I don't bite, I promise. :) ---> viewtopic.php?f=188&t=76466




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Ooh Harriet and Aiden?
That is cute I think they are going to be together :P
Cassie sounds like a stuck up b****h!
I don't like how she treats Harriet.
Please put me in the story so I can hit her
or something :D
I love these series~
Keep writing
<3
Linger on, your pale blue eyes




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Welp Kayla here!

I will admit I am a sucker for stories with good bands, guys in skinny jeans, and sarcastic main characters :D You nailed it my friend. I am looking forward to reading more.

but here is the review.

The "yay, a prevert" made me chuckle to my self. I love the plot of this so far. It seems like there is going to be a ton of drama. I love drama!! The only thing I can really say is, more description? make your story come to life! LIke a movie, just make it pop!

--Kayla!!
The closest friends are the ones you'd take a bullet for, but they're the ones you constantly feel you could put a bullet in as well<33--Alex Gaskarth

"So take my life I'll had it to you, you can try on these clothes but you can't fill these shoes,"-- Poison-All Time Low




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I read a lot of it. I think that afternoon makes me a little overly critical or something, because I'm not warming up well to this segment.

I'll try reviewing this later, when I'm less biased. But just so I don't forget, I'm gonna leave myself a note on this work to talk about descriptions.

NOTE TO SELF: Talk about descriptions.

OK. I'll come back to this later!



Perfection is lots of little things done well.
— Marco Pierre White